Losing someone you love is something you can never fully prepare for. It’s a kind of grief that leaves a hole in your heart, one that can never quite be filled.
I lost my brother when he was a young adult, and that loss has shaped so much of who I am today. There are days when it feels like it happened just yesterday, and others when time seems to have softened the sharpness of the pain.
But one thing remains constant—there are experiences, emotions, and realizations that only those who have walked through the unimaginable pain of losing a loved one can truly understand.
In this article, I’m sharing seven things that, for those of us who’ve known this kind of loss, hit home in ways nothing else ever will.
1) Grief doesn’t have an expiry date
We live in a world that’s always rushing, always moving on to the next thing.
But grief?
Grief doesn’t play by these rules.
In the aftermath of losing a loved one, you might find that the world expects you to ‘move on’ after a certain period. Maybe it’s a year, or two, or even less. After all, life must go on, right?
However, if you’ve been through this, you understand that grief doesn’t have an expiry date. It’s not a cold that will pass with time or a wound that will heal with a few stitches.
The pain ebbs and flows, sometimes hitting you out of the blue on a random Tuesday afternoon when you catch their favourite song playing on the radio.
And that’s okay.
Because grief is not something to be ‘fixed’. It’s something to be lived through, in your own time, at your own pace. This is something only people who’ve lost a loved one will truly understand.
2) Ordinary moments become extraordinary
I remember my brother’s love for coffee. No day would start without his ritualistic morning cup, brewed to perfection.
When he left us, something as mundane as a cup of coffee suddenly took on a whole new meaning.
Every morning, as I’d pour myself a cup, I would remember him. The way he’d take that first sip, the contented sigh that followed, the stories he’d share over that steaming mug…
Suddenly, an ordinary cup of coffee wasn’t just coffee anymore. It was a memory, a moment frozen in time, a tangible piece of my father that lived on even when he didn’t.
Over time, I’ve realized this is a common thread among those who’ve lost a loved one.
Ordinary objects, places or traditions become extraordinary reminders of the ones we’ve lost. They keep us connected to those who are no longer with us in ways that others might not understand.
3) You learn to live with a constant companion: Absence
Absence. It’s a strange thing, isn’t it?
How can the absence of something, or in this case, someone, take up so much space?
But that’s what happens when you lose a loved one.
Their absence becomes a constant companion, like a shadow that follows you around.
It’s there when you reach out to dial their number on autopilot, only to remember they won’t pick up. It’s there when you crack a joke that only they would get, only to remember they’re not there to share the laughter.
But here’s the thing.
Over time, this absence doesn’t become smaller. Instead, you grow around it. You learn to carry it with you, not as a burden, but as a part of who you are.
And while it might seem like a paradox, the presence of their absence is often what keeps them alive in our hearts and minds. They’re gone, but through our memories and emotions, they continue to shape our lives in ways only those who’ve lost a loved one will understand.
4) People’s discomfort with grief is palpable
In my experience, losing a loved one can sometimes feel like I’ve become a walking reminder of mortality.
See, most people are uncomfortable with the concept of death. It’s a topic they’d rather avoid until they absolutely have to confront it.
So when you’ve experienced loss, you become a living embodiment of this uncomfortable truth. And people react in different ways to this, often in ways that can feel isolating or hurtful, even when they don’t mean to be.
Some might avoid you, not knowing what to say or how to comfort you. Others might offer platitudes that feel empty or insincere, simply because they’re grappling with their own discomfort around death and grief.
But it’s through these interactions that you truly begin to understand the depth and complexity of your own grief. It’s an understanding that only people who’ve lost a loved one will truly grasp.
5) The world doesn’t stop, even if yours does
In the immediate aftermath of losing a loved one, it feels like your world has come to a grinding halt. The sun still rises and sets, the clock still ticks away, but for you, everything has changed.
And yet, despite this seismic shift in your life, the world around you keeps moving at its usual pace.
Did you know that every second, approximately two people die somewhere in the world? That’s over 150,000 deaths each day.
Yet for most of us, life goes on uninterrupted.
But when you’re the one grieving, this disconnect can feel jarring. You’re standing still while everyone else is moving forward.
It’s a strange limbo and it’s a reality only those who’ve lost a loved one will truly understand.
This dichotomy between your personal world and the external world can make you feel isolated. But it can also foster a deeper understanding of just how precious each moment truly is.
6) Empathy takes on a new depth
Before my personal encounter with loss, I used to think I was empathetic. I was always there to lend an ear, to offer a comforting word, to share in others’ joys and sorrows.
But after my loss, my understanding of empathy transformed.
I realized that empathy is more than just understanding someone’s feelings. It’s about sharing their pain, carrying a bit of their burden with them, and standing by their side even when you don’t have the right words to say.
Losing a loved one can feel like you’ve been inducted into a club you never wanted to join. But it’s in this club, you find yourself surrounded by others who’ve walked the same path.
They understand your silence, your tears, your good days, and your bad ones without needing any explanation.
This shared understanding fosters a deep sense of empathy that only people who’ve lost a loved one will truly understand. It’s a kindness that stems from pain, and it’s a reminder that even in our darkest hours, we’re never truly alone.
7) Healing is not about forgetting
This is perhaps the most important thing anyone who’s lost a loved one needs to know.
Healing is not about forgetting.
It’s not about erasing the memories, ignoring the pain, or pretending that life can go back to how it was before. It’s about learning to live with the loss, integrating it into your life, and finding a way to honor the memory of your loved one.
It’s about understanding that it’s okay to laugh, to love, to find joy again, without feeling guilty or feeling like you’re betraying their memory.
It’s about realizing that your loved one lives on in you – in your memories, in your actions, and in the love you carry in your heart.
And it’s this understanding of healing that only people who’ve lost a loved one will truly grasp.
Embracing the journey
When I first lost my brother, it felt like a weight no one could understand. I found myself feeling isolated, convinced that no one could truly grasp the depth of my pain.
Over time, though, I began to realize that there are others who’ve walked this path and carry the same heavy heart.
If you’re reading this and feeling alone in your grief, know that you’re not. There’s a whole community of us, and though we may never completely heal, we walk through this together.
Remember to take time for yourself. Reflect on your feelings and experiences. And know that with each passing day, you’re growing stronger.
The pain may not go away completely, but it will change – just as you are changing.
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