For years, I was trapped in a cycle I couldn’t even see—until it almost broke me.
You know how it goes:
- The constant jabs disguised as “jokes”
- Feeling like your voice doesn’t matter
- Questioning your every move, your every thought
- Slowly losing sight of who you are.
I was walking on eggshells, afraid to breathe too loudly, because I never knew what would set them off.
Hi, I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and someone who’s been through the wringer. I spent some of my darkest days tangled in the web of a narcissist.
At first, I didn’t even recognize the signs. They crept in slowly—small, almost imperceptible—but they left deep scars.
I remember feeling like a ghost in my own life. My thoughts, my feelings… it was like they didn’t exist. I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy, why I felt so small all the time. And then it hit me: I was being manipulated, psychologically played in ways I didn’t understand yet.
This article isn’t just research—it’s personal.
I’m going to walk you through the 7 subtle tactics narcissists use to make you feel like you don’t matter.
1) Subtle criticisms
This may not seem like a big deal at first. After all, everyone has their flaws, right? But the way a narcissist does it is different.
It’s not about helping you improve; it’s about making you feel less than you are. They might make offhand comments about your appearance, your work, and your choices.
It’s never direct enough to be called out as blatant disrespect, but it’s consistent enough to slowly erode your confidence. I remember the narcissist in my life constantly questioning my decisions, even over the smallest things. “Are you sure you want to wear that?” “Why would you do it that way?”
It was like a constant drip of negativity that eventually made me question my own judgment. If you’re dealing with this kind of subtle criticism, remember this: You have the right to trust your own decisions.
You don’t need someone else’s approval to validate your worth.
2) Gaslighting
This is when a narcissist manipulates you into questioning your own sanity. They twist the truth, deny reality, and make you doubt your own memories.
Research found that gaslighting can have significant psychological effects, including lowered self-esteem, increased anxiety, and confusion as victims are manipulated into questioning their reality
In my case, the narcissist in my life would constantly rewrite our shared history. If I ever confronted them about something they did that upset me, they’d simply deny it ever happened or accuse me of overreacting.
It was maddening, like trying to navigate a maze with no exit. I began doubting my own experiences and even my sanity.
Famous psychologist and author Dr. Robin Stern describes gaslighting as “a series of manipulation tactics used to discredit you, keep you off balance, and have you question your reality.”
If you find yourself in this situation, remember Dr. Stern’s words and know that it’s not you – it’s them. You’re not crazy. You’re being manipulated to think you are.
3) Emotional blackmail
In my encounter with a narcissist, it felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. They used guilt, fear, and obligation to manipulate me into doing what they wanted.
I remember one time when I wanted to spend the evening with my friends. The narcissist in my life would not have it.
They guilt-tripped me, saying things like “If you really cared about me, you’d stay home” or “You’re choosing them over me”. It was an emotional roller-coaster that left me drained, confused, and constantly anxious about displeasing them.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, it’s important to remember that these are manipulation tactics. You are not obligated to fulfill every demand or whim of a narcissist.
Your wants and needs matter too and it’s okay to prioritize them. Acknowledging this is a crucial step towards breaking free from the grip of a narcissist.
4) The silent treatment
The fourth tactic is the silent treatment, a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse that narcissists use as a form of punishment.
In my experience, the narcissist in my life would suddenly go cold, ignoring my calls and messages for days without any explanation.
It was their way of punishing me for not behaving the way they wanted. It was confusing and deeply hurtful, leaving me desperate for their attention and validation.
A study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships backs up this point. The researchers found that people who use the silent treatment are trying to avoid confrontation, but in doing so, they’re causing more harm than good.
It’s a form of psychological manipulation that aims to make the victim feel powerless and insignificant. If you’re experiencing this kind of behavior, it’s important to remember that you deserve open and respectful communication.
The silent treatment is not about you but about their need for control.
5) Controlling behavior
In my own experience, the narcissist I knew wanted to control everything: from what I wore, and who I hung out with, to the decisions I made.
It was as if they wanted to be the puppeteer in my life. It started subtly, with suggestions that seemed harmless at first. But over time, it escalated into a relentless desire for control that left me feeling suffocated and trapped.
If you find yourself feeling like you’re losing your personal freedom or constantly second-guessing your choices because of someone else’s influence, know this: You have the right to your own autonomy.
You are not an extension of someone else’s identity, but a unique individual capable of making your own decisions.
6) Narcissistic rage
The sixth tactic a narcissist uses is what psychologists call “narcissistic rage“.
This is when a narcissist’s inflated self-image is threatened, and they react with extreme anger or even violence.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that vulnerable narcissism is associated with higher levels of anger and hostility, particularly when individuals perceive threats to their self-esteem.
I remember an incident where I dared to challenge the narcissist in my life. I had simply disagreed with them on something trivial, but their reaction was disproportionate and terrifying. They exploded in rage, shouting and belittling me, all because their ego felt threatened.
Dr. Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist, described narcissistic rage as “a reaction to a perceived slight, insult, criticism, or disagreement that results in an intense and irrational anger.”
If you’ve experienced this kind of volatile response from someone in your life, please remember: It’s not about you. It’s about their fragile ego.
You’re allowed to have and voice your own opinions without fear of such extreme reactions.
7) False empathy
The seventh and last tactic that might surprise you: is false empathy.
Yes, narcissists can appear empathetic, but it’s a manipulative ploy to win your trust and make you vulnerable to further manipulation.
In my experience, the narcissist in my life would often feign empathy to charm me or others. They would appear understanding and supportive when it served their purposes.
But over time, I noticed this ’empathy’ was only skin-deep. When I needed genuine support or understanding, they were nowhere to be found. Their empathy was a carefully constructed facade aimed at controlling the narrative.
If you notice this pattern in someone you know, it’s important to remember that real empathy is consistent, not conditional or self-serving.
Here’s a practical tip: Next time you perceive empathy from someone you suspect is a narcissist, observe carefully.
Is their empathy consistent? Or does it only appear when they’re trying to win you over?
Conclusion
Dealing with a narcissist can be a draining and confusing experience.
However, understanding these subtle tactics they use is the first step towards safeguarding your mental and emotional health.
In conclusion, remember: You matter.
Your feelings, thoughts, and experiences are valid. Don’t allow a narcissist to make you feel otherwise.
A practical piece of advice?
Establish boundaries. This could mean limiting contact with the narcissist or seeking professional help to navigate the situation effectively.
Remember, you don’t have to navigate this challenging journey alone.
Stay strong and keep believing in your worth. You’re more powerful than you think.
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