The world would be a simpler place if we could just wear labels.
Not flashy ones, but honest ones—like “kind,” “kind-ish,” or “run-for-the-hills.” But life doesn’t work that way, does it?
People wear masks, and kindness often becomes a costume. It’s not that I’m cynical—it’s that I’ve seen it. The compliments that cut, the favors that come with strings, and the endless “woe is me” routines.
The thing is, spotting a faux-kind soul isn’t as hard as it seems. You just have to look past the surface.
So, let’s talk about those telltale signs—the little breadcrumbs that reveal when kindness is just another act.
1) They’re always playing the victim
Spotting a kind-hearted poser can be as simple as paying attention to how often they play the victim card.
We all face obstacles and challenges. It’s part of life.
However, if you notice someone is always framing themselves as the victim, it could be a sign they’re not as kind as they seem.
Victim mentality involves shifting blame onto others, avoiding responsibility for one’s actions, and manipulating people’s sympathy.
It’s a tactic often used by those who pretend to be kind but are actually far from it.
Genuine kindness doesn’t involve constant self-pity or blaming others. If they’re always the victim in their stories, it might be time to question their true character.
This isn’t to say that everyone who has been a victim is unkind – far from it.
But when someone constantly paints themselves as the innocent party in every situation, it’s definitely a red flag worth paying attention to.
2) They’re insincere with their compliments
In my own experience, I’ve noticed that people who aren’t genuinely kind often give compliments that feel insincere or forced.
For instance, I had a friend who was always full of praise.
At first, it seemed like she was just a very positive person. But over time, I realized her compliments were often backhanded and would leave me feeling worse than before.
She would say things like “That dress is so much more flattering on you than the last one!” or “You’re so brave for wearing such bold colors!”
These comments, though cloaked in compliment form, were actually subtle put-downs.
A truly kind person offers sincere compliments and uplifts others, not subtly tear them down.
3) They’re always surrounded by drama
While chaos and conflict are a part of life, someone who constantly finds themselves in the middle of drama might be less kind-hearted than they appear.
Usually, people who frequently engage in high-conflict situations tend to have higher levels of narcissism.
Narcissists, known for their self-centeredness and lack of empathy, often create drama to keep the attention on themselves.
A genuinely kind person usually tries to diffuse tension and promote harmony rather than stirring up conflict.
When someone is constantly at the center of dramatic situations, it could indicate they thrive on the attention rather than genuinely caring for others’ wellbeing.
4) They’re quick to judge others
A truly kind person knows that everyone has their own story, and they don’t jump to conclusions or judge others harshly.
Kind people practice acceptance and understanding, not judgment and criticism.
On the other hand, those pretending to be kind often show their true colors when they’re quick to judge or criticize others.
Whether it’s about someone’s appearance, choices, or lifestyle, they always seem to have something negative to say.
If you notice that someone is constantly passing judgment on others while maintaining a facade of kindness, this is a clear sign that their kindness may not be genuine.
True kindness involves empathy and understanding, not rash judgments or criticisms.
5) They don’t show empathy
Kindness and empathy go hand in hand. It means understanding others’ feelings and showing compassion during their tough times.
However, some people pretending to be kind lack this crucial trait.
They may say the right things, but when it comes to truly understanding and caring about someone else’s feelings, they fall short.
For instance, if someone is going through a difficult time and a person minimizes their feelings or changes the subject instead of offering comfort, they may not be as kind as they appear.
A genuinely kind person doesn’t just hear you; they listen, understand, and empathize with you. If someone lacks empathy, their kindness could very well be a facade.
6) They only care when it’s convenient for them
I’ve learned that true kindness isn’t conditional. It doesn’t depend on time, place, or convenience.
There was a point in my life when I was going through a rough patch. I needed help, and the people who stood by me during that difficult time were those I would genuinely call kind.
However, there were also others who seemed kind but disappeared when things got tough.
They were there for the good times, the smiles and laughs, but when I needed support, they were nowhere to be found.
Kindness is not only being there only when it’s easy or convenient. It means standing by someone’s side even when things get hard.
7) They use their kindness as a currency
Kindness should be genuine and selfless, but not everyone sees it that way.
Some people use their acts of kindness as a currency, expecting something in return every time they do something nice.
This behavior can be subtle. They might constantly remind you of the times they’ve helped you out or use their past acts of kindness to guilt-trip you into doing something for them.
If a person’s kindness comes with strings attached or is used as leverage, it’s not genuine kindness.
Real kindness is given freely, without the expectation of something in return.
8) They’re not kind to themselves
The way a person treats themselves is often a reflection of how they treat others.
If someone is harsh and critical towards themselves, it’s likely they’ll extend the same treatment to those around them, even if they portray an image of kindness.
A truly kind person understands the importance of self-love and self-compassion.
They treat themselves with the same kindness they extend to others. If someone cannot be kind to themselves, their kindness towards others may not be as genuine as it seems.
Final thoughts
Kindness is tricky. It’s not in the grand gestures or rehearsed words; it lives in the unspoken moments, the ones where no one’s watching.
I’ve come to realize that the truly kind don’t just show up when the lights are on—they’re there in the shadows, too.
So the next time someone’s “kindness” feels off, trust your gut. And maybe take a moment to ask yourself what your own version of kindness looks like.
Be real instead of perfect. Genuine kindness isn’t a performance; it’s a practice. And that’s something worth showing up for every single day.
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