If you’ve ever tried to comfort someone who’s grieving, you know it can be a delicate task. The wrong words, no matter how well-intentioned, can escalate their pain rather than soothe it.
Sometimes, we may unknowingly say phrases that can hurt more than help. It’s not intentional, but the impact can be profound.
Dealing with mourning is not something that comes naturally to all of us. It’s a complex emotional process and psychology has a lot to say about it.
Navigating these conversations requires understanding and sensitivity. This is where psychology can be your guide.
This isn’t about blaming or shaming anyone for their choice of words. It’s about learning how to better support those in mourning.
In the following article, we’ll explore “8 phrases you should never say to a person in mourning, according to psychology.” This knowledge could provide you with the tools to help, rather than unintentionally cause further pain.
1) “At least they lived a long life”
This is a common phrase many of us resort to when we’re trying to comfort someone who’s lost a loved one. We say it with the best intentions, hoping to provide some perspective or silver lining in the midst of their sorrow.
This phrase can be more harmful than helpful. By focusing on the age of the deceased, it can unintentionally minimize the person’s grief. It’s as if we’re saying their pain should be less because their loved one lived a long life.
The reality is, grief doesn’t work that way. The depth of our sorrow isn’t measured by the number of years our loved one lived. It’s about the bond we shared with them and the void their absence leaves in our lives.
So when we say, “At least they lived a long life,” it can come across as dismissive, even if that’s far from our intention. It can make the mourner feel like they aren’t entitled to their feelings of loss and sadness.
Instead of this phrase, try acknowledging their pain and expressing your sympathy in a genuine and empathetic way. This could look like: “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I’m here for you during this difficult time.”
These responses validate their feelings and show your support, which is what someone in mourning truly needs.
2) “They’re in a better place now”
While this phrase is often said to provide comfort, suggesting that the loved one is now free from suffering or pain, it can sometimes have the opposite effect.
For the person mourning, the ‘better place’ they desire most might be here, with them. The phrase can inadvertently imply that being deceased is preferable to being alive and sharing experiences with the mourner – which can be a difficult concept to grapple with when already dealing with loss.
This well-meaning sentiment might not resonate with everyone’s beliefs about life after death either. It’s a deeply personal topic, and assuming what someone else believes can unintentionally cause more distress.
Instead of trying to paint a picture of where their loved one might be, it can be more comforting to simply let them know you’re there for them in their grief, offering love and support in the here and now.
3) “Don’t cry, it’s what they would have wanted”
Telling someone not to cry can be more damaging than comforting. Grieving is a natural process that involves expressing emotions, and crying is a part of this process. It’s a cathartic way for the body to release pent-up emotions and stress, and it can provide a sense of relief.
Inhibiting this natural response can actually prolong the healing process. When we tell people not to cry, we’re asking them to suppress their feelings, which can lead to further emotional distress down the line.
Instead of encouraging them to hold back their tears, it’s more beneficial to let them know it’s okay to cry, to feel the pain and sadness. Offering a comforting presence without judgement allows them to grieve in their own way and at their own pace, which is a crucial step towards healing.
4) “I know exactly how you feel”
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, it’s important to remember that every person’s grief is unique. The relationship they had with the person they lost, their personal coping mechanisms, and a myriad of other factors make their experience distinctly personal.
When we claim to know exactly how they feel, we might accidentally belittle their unique experience or make them feel that their pain is not unique or important. It also shifts the focus from their feelings to ours, which is not what they need in this moment.
A more supportive approach could be to say something like, “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you in any way I can.” This acknowledges their unique pain while assuring them of your support and willingness to be there for them.
5) “Everything happens for a reason”
This phrase is often used with the hope of providing comfort and perspective. But when someone is in the thick of mourning, it can be hard for them to see – or even want to see – a ‘reason’ behind their loss.
The search for a ‘reason’ can sometimes cause additional stress, as it may not align with their current feelings of grief and sadness. It could also make them feel pressured to find a positive or meaningful takeaway within their pain, which isn’t always possible or necessary.
Instead, consider saying something like, “It’s okay not to have all the answers right now. This is tough, and I’m here for you.” This validates their feelings and avoids imposing any expectation of finding meaning or understanding in their loss.
6) “Time heals all wounds”
We often say this with the intent of providing hope. However, when someone is freshly grieving, time might feel like an enemy rather than a healer. The idea of having to wait for an unspecified amount of time to feel better can seem overwhelming.
I recall a friend who lost her father suddenly. When she was told that “time heals all wounds,” it felt to her as if she was being asked to fast-forward through her grief. She felt pressured to ‘get over it’ quickly, which was not only unrealistic but also added to her pain.
Instead, a more comforting approach might be to say, “It’s okay to take your time with this. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and no timeline you need to follow.” This allows them to process their grief at their own pace and in their own way, which is ultimately the healthier path towards healing.
7) “You need to stay strong”
This phrase often comes from a place of concern, but it can unintentionally pressure the person mourning into feeling they have to put on a brave face or suppress their emotions.
Grief can be messy and showing vulnerability is an integral part of the healing process. It’s important that they allow themselves to feel their feelings fully, rather than trying to appear ‘strong’.
Instead, it might be more helpful to say something like, “It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to put on a brave face. I’m here for you, however you’re feeling.” This gives them the permission they may need to express their grief openly and honestly, without judgement or expectation.
8) “Life goes on”
While this phrase is undeniably true, it may not be what a grieving person wants or needs to hear in the midst of their loss. It can feel dismissive and rushed, as if they’re expected to move on quickly.
Remember, the most important thing when comforting someone in mourning is to acknowledge their pain and offer your presence and support. It’s about them, not us. It’s about their timeline, not ours.
Instead of telling them “Life goes on,” consider saying something like, “Take all the time you need. I’m here for you, no matter what.” This assures them that they can take their time to grieve and heal, without any pressure to ‘move on’ before they’re ready.
Conclusion
Journeying through grief is a deeply personal and unique experience for every individual—and it’s a journey that requires empathy, understanding, and patience from those around them.
This article provides guidance on what to avoid saying to someone in mourning.
But remember, the essence of supporting someone in their grief is not just about saying the right things—it’s about being there for them, showing compassion, and allowing them space to navigate their feelings in their own way and time.
The goal isn’t to master perfect responses, but to foster genuine connections and provide comfort during a challenging time.
Here’s to cultivating greater empathy and understanding in our interactions with those who are grieving. Your support can make a world of difference to someone navigating the turbulent waters of loss.
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