For a long time, I was perplexed by the dynamics of arguments and disagreements.
You know the drill:
– Annoying circular discussions
– Constant blame-shifting
– Persistent feeling of being misunderstood
– The exhausting effort to keep peace.
And all of this often leaving me feeling drained, frustrated, and clueless about where I’d gone wrong.
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and a psychology enthusiast.
A few years back, this was my everyday reality. Dealing with people who seemed to be on a completely different wavelength.
No matter how logical or reasonable I tried to be, I always seemed to be on the losing side of an argument.
The turning point came when I realized I was often dealing with narcissists. These interactions were not just simple disagreements; they were psychological battles.
And it was through understanding psychology that I began to see the patterns.
In this piece, we’re going to delve into 7 phrases a narcissist will use when they’re losing an argument. These insights helped me navigate difficult interactions more effectively—I hope they can do the same for you.
So let’s dive in.
1) “You’re overreacting”
The first phrase a narcissist often uses when they’re losing an argument is “You’re overreacting”.
It seems like a simple statement, but what’s really happening here is a psychological tactic known as gaslighting. This is when someone manipulates you into doubting your own feelings, instincts, and sanity.
When a narcissist tells you that you’re overreacting, they’re trying to shift the focus of the argument. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, they’re making it about your reaction. They’re suggesting that your feelings are not valid or rational.
This can be incredibly confusing and disorienting. You might start to question whether you really are being too emotional or unreasonable.
However, understanding this tactic was a game-changer for me. It allowed me to recognize when I was being gaslighted and gave me the confidence to stand my ground.
If you ever find yourself being told that you’re overreacting during an argument, remember that your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Instead of doubting yourself, try to refocus the conversation on the issue at hand.
2) “I never said that”
This was a phrase I heard all too often in my personal life. I would be in the middle of a heated discussion and suddenly, the other person would completely deny ever saying what I clearly remembered them saying. It felt like I was in a surreal alternate reality where up was down and down was up.
This is another classic example of gaslighting, where the narcissist manipulates you by denying their own words or actions, despite your clear recollection of them.
Famous psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of “The Gaslight Effect”, puts it perfectly: “Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another person’s reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.”
Recognizing this tactic was like turning on a light in a dark room for me. It helped me realize that it wasn’t my memory that was at fault, but rather the manipulative behavior of the narcissist.
The next time you hear “I never said that” in an argument, stand strong in your truth. Trust your memory and don’t let anyone make you question your reality.
3) “You’re just trying to make me look bad”
In my personal experience, this phrase cropped up during discussions that were not at all about assigning blame or tarnishing reputations.
I would be simply trying to express my feelings or discuss a problem, only to be accused of having ulterior motives.
What I came to realize is that narcissists often project their own insecurities onto others. Their ego is fragile, and any perceived attack on their image can trigger defensive maneuvers like this.
It’s a way for them to divert attention away from the issue at hand and put you on the defensive. Suddenly, the argument isn’t about what they did wrong but about your alleged intent to harm them.
Learning about this tactic helped me to stay focused on the topic during discussions and not get sidetracked by false accusations. If you ever hear this phrase being thrown at you, remember it’s not about you or your intentions.
It’s a deflection strategy. Stay calm, stay focused, and don’t let it distract you from what you were trying to express or resolve.
4) “Everyone agrees with me”
In my past interactions, I’ve often been surprised to hear this claim.
Usually, it would come out of the blue, and I would be left wondering who these ‘everyone’ were and why their opinion was suddenly relevant to our discussion.
This is a tactic known as consensus validation or bandwagoning. The narcissist is trying to undermine your confidence by suggesting that unspecified others share their viewpoint, making you feel isolated or wrong.
However, in an argument, it’s not about who has the majority on their side, but about understanding each other’s perspectives and finding a resolution.
So next time you hear “Everyone agrees with me”, stay firm. Remember that the ‘everyone’ might not even exist and even if they do, their opinions do not invalidate your feelings or viewpoints.
5) “You always…” or “You never…”
In my experience, these phrases were thrown around when the other person was backed into a corner. By making sweeping generalizations, the narcissist attempts to shift focus from the specific issue being discussed to your overall character or behavior.
This is a diversion tactic. Instead of addressing the problem at hand, they’re trying to paint you as the problem. It’s a way for them to avoid accountability and put you on the defensive.
The truth is, nobody ‘always’ or ‘never’ does something. These absolute terms are usually an exaggeration and a distraction.
When you hear these phrases being used in an argument, try not to get defensive. Stay focused on the issue at hand and avoid getting drawn into a debate about your overall character or behavior.
6) “You’re just too sensitive”
I remember hearing this in multiple discussions and it always left me feeling invalidated and small. My feelings were being dismissed as mere overreactions, my concerns brushed off as unimportant.
This is a narcissistic tactic designed to make you question your emotional responses and to dismiss your feelings as irrational or overly dramatic.
As renowned psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin points out, “Narcissists aren’t afraid of feeling too much. They’re afraid of feeling too little. So they dismiss any emotional expression as ‘overdramatic’.”
Understanding this helped me not to take such comments personally. I realized that my sensitivity was not a flaw but an asset, enabling me to empathize with others and experience deep emotions.
If you ever hear “You’re just too sensitive” during an argument, remember that your feelings are valid.
Don’t let anyone make you question your emotional responses. Instead, stand firm in your truth and continue expressing your feelings honestly.
7) Silence
Yes, sometimes it’s not what they say, but what they don’t say.
I’ve experienced this first hand. In the middle of a heated argument, the other person would suddenly go silent, refusing to respond or engage further. It was baffling and frustrating.
This is known as ‘stonewalling’. Narcissists use this tactic to regain control of the situation. By refusing to participate in the conversation, they’re forcing it to a standstill.
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman refers to stonewalling as one of the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ for communication within relationships. It’s an incredibly harmful tactic as it shuts down any possibility of resolution or understanding.
It’s counterintuitive, but silence can be one of the most powerful weapons in a narcissist’s arsenal.
So what can you do when faced with this tactic?
Firstly, try not to react impulsively. Take a few deep breaths or even step away from the situation for a couple of minutes if you need to.
Then, return to the conversation calmly stating that you notice they’ve stopped responding and that you’d like to continue the conversation when they’re ready. This puts the ball back in their court and shows that you won’t be manipulated by their silence.
Conclusion
Navigating arguments with a narcissist can be challenging, but understanding these common phrases and tactics can equip you to handle these situations with more confidence.
Remember, it’s not about winning or losing an argument. It’s about maintaining your self-respect and standing firm in your truth. Don’t let anyone manipulate your feelings or make you question your reality.
Above all, it’s essential to surround yourself with people who respect and value your feelings. Healthy relationships involve mutual understanding, respect, and the ability to communicate effectively, even when disagreements arise.
So keep these points in mind, stay strong, and remember that your voice matters.
Neuroscientist reveals a new way to manifest more financial abundance
Breakthrough Columbia study confirms the brain region is 250 million years old, the size of a walnut and accessible inside your brain right now.
