Growing up with strict rules and constant control, I used to think, “When I have kids, I’ll do things differently.”
But here’s the twist: sometimes we end up replaying those same behaviors without even realizing it.
If you had parents who kept a tight grip, you might notice some of those patterns surfacing in your own parenting—not because you choose to, but because it’s what you know.
In this article, we’ll explore eight common behaviors that parents like us might carry over from our own upbringing.
1) Hyper-awareness of rules
Growing up in a household where every move was scrutinized and every action had a rule attached, it’s no surprise that this behavior tends to spill over into adulthood.
For people raised by overly-controlling parents, rules become second nature.
They’ve been conditioned to see the world in terms of do’s and don’ts. This often results in a heightened awareness of rules and an innate need to enforce them.
As they become parents themselves, this hyper-awareness often translates into stringent rule-setting with their own children.
It’s not that they are intentionally being controlling; rather, they are replicating the environment they grew up in.
It’s important to note that rules aren’t bad per se. They provide the structure and boundaries that children need. However, a balance is necessary. Too many rules can stifle a child’s individuality and growth.
2) Difficulty with spontaneity
When I reflect on my own childhood, one thing that stands out is the lack of spontaneity.
Everything was planned, organized, and followed a strict schedule. There was little room for impromptu plans or last-minute changes.
As an adult, I noticed this pattern surfacing in my own parenting style. A sudden change in plans or an unexpected event would throw me off balance and cause undue stress. Spontaneity was something I found hard to embrace.
This isn’t uncommon for those raised by overly-controlling parents.
We were taught to value order and predictability over flexibility and adaptability. It’s a trait that can seep into our own parenting, often leading us to be rigid and inflexible with our children.
Understanding this habit is important. It means learning to loosen our grip, welcome unpredictability, and trust that things don’t always need to go as planned.
Life is a series of surprises, and when we show our children how to adjust and navigate through them, we’re helping them grow resilient and resourceful.
3) Fear of failure
In a highly controlled environment, mistakes are often viewed as failures rather than learning opportunities.
This leads to a deep-seated fear of failure ingrained from an early age.
The fear of failure isn’t simply in making mistakes; it’s in the waves of shame, embarrassment, and disappointment that were often attached to these ‘failures’ in childhood.
When these individuals become parents themselves, this fear can manifest itself in their parenting style.
They might become overprotective, trying to shield their children from any potential failures or mistakes.
However, psychologists claim that experiencing failure is an essential part of child development. It teaches resilience, problem-solving, and the ability to bounce back from setbacks.
By understanding the roots of this fear, it becomes possible to break the cycle and allow our children the space to fail, learn, and grow.
4) High stress levels
According to psychologists, growing up under constant scrutiny and control can result in anxiety due to high levels of stress.
As children, we may have constantly felt on edge, trying to meet the exacting standards set by our parents.
As adults, we might find ourselves perpetuating this stress within our own families.
We might set high expectations for our children or become overly involved in their lives, which can lead to a stressful home environment.
While setting standards and being involved in your child’s life is crucial, there needs to be a balance. A home should be a place of comfort and relaxation, not constant pressure and stress.
5) Struggle with emotional expression
Living under constant control can often lead to the suppression of emotions.
As children, we might have been taught that showing emotions, especially negative ones, was a sign of weakness or disobedience.
As adults, this struggle with emotional expression can continue.
We might find it hard to express our feelings freely, and even more challenging to encourage emotional openness in our own children.
It’s a heartbreaking cycle because emotions are what make us human. It’s through expressing our feelings that we connect with others, build relationships, and navigate the world around us.
Breaking this cycle means understanding the value of emotions and building a safe space where our children feel free to express themselves.
It’s teaching them that it’s okay to feel—to cry, to laugh, to get angry—and that their emotions are both valid and meaningful.
6) Perfectionism
I remember as a kid, the constant pressure to be perfect – in grades, in behavior, in appearance.
It was a standard set high, one that felt impossible to reach.
Fast forward to adulthood, this need for perfection didn’t fade away. I found myself setting the same high standards for my kids, expecting them to excel in every area.
This is a common trait among those raised by overly-controlling parents.
We carry forward this unattainable quest for perfection into our own parenting, often without realizing the pressure we’re putting on our children.
The reality is, nobody is perfect. It’s important to shift focus from perfection to progress.
Encouraging our children to learn, grow, and make mistakes is a healthier approach. After all, it’s through mistakes that we learn some of life’s most valuable lessons.
7) Overemphasis on approval
Growing up with overly-controlling parents often involves seeking constant approval.
Every action or decision is made with the intention of pleasing or gaining validation from the parents.
As these children grow into adults and have children of their own, this pattern can persist.
They may unconsciously seek their child’s approval or place an unnecessary amount of importance on their child’s opinion of them.
This behavior can lead to an unhealthy dynamic between parent and child. Parenting isn’t focused on seeking approval; it’s rooted in providing guidance, support, and love.
8) Difficulty in letting go
The most crucial thing to understand is that those raised by overly-controlling parents often struggle with letting go.
They might find it hard to give their children the freedom to make their own decisions, explore their interests, or simply be kids.
This difficulty in letting go stems from a childhood where independence was rarely encouraged. It’s a learned behavior that carries over into adulthood and can affect our own parenting.
Our role as parents is not to control, but to guide.
Our children need the space to learn, grow, and become their own person. Letting go can be challenging, but it’s a necessary part of fostering independence and self-confidence in our children.
Food for thought
I’ve come to realize that parenting doesn’t require perfection—it requires awareness and choice.
Yes, we might carry echoes of our upbringing, but recognizing these patterns gives us the power to rewrite the story.
As Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
And isn’t that the beautiful part of this journey? Knowing our past doesn’t have to dictate our future, that we can break cycles and create something new.
So as you reflect on your parenting, remember: it’s okay to let go, to give your kids the freedom we might not have had.
They aren’t just reflections of us; they’re their own stories waiting to unfold. And maybe, just maybe, our role is simply to give them the room to write their own ending.
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