As a fellow human being, I understand the need to feel heard, understood, and respected, especially in times of disagreement.
However, in some relationships, instead of open communication and understanding, we are met with silence. This silent treatment can leave us feeling invisible, unheard, and unimportant.
These silent treatments are often given by individuals who resort to passive-aggressive tactics following an argument – a method that can be both emotionally draining and damaging.
In many cases, it can be tough to identify such behavior early on in a relationship as it often intensifies over time.
Drawing on my experience as a psychologist, I have identified key behaviors typically displayed by those who tend to resort to the silent treatment after an argument.
This article aims to equip you with the tools to spot these behavioral patterns and understand the psychology behind them.
1) They withdraw
Withdrawal is not always as clear as someone physically removing themselves from a room.
Sometimes it happens subtly and slowly over time. Often, when it occurs, it’s hard to recognize until you find yourself feeling unheard, unseen, and emotionally abandoned.
You may notice your partner becoming increasingly distant after arguments. Perhaps they’ll bury themselves in work, spend excessive amounts of time on hobbies, or even just retreat into silence.
In some cases, they may seem lost in their thoughts, refusing to maintain eye contact or engage in any form of conversation.
They might turn their attention to their phone or computer, making you feel as if you’re talking to a brick wall.
Their withdrawal is their way of dealing with the aftermath of an argument – a coping mechanism that leaves you feeling isolated and ignored. This is a typical behavior of someone who resorts to the silent treatment after a disagreement.
2) They communicate indirectly
You might start to notice a shift in the way your partner communicates with you. They no longer express their thoughts and feelings openly. Instead, they resort to indirect methods of communication.
For example, they might use social media to express their emotions, posting cryptic messages or sharing posts that indirectly relate to your argument. They might leave notes around the house, expressing their sentiments without having to face you directly.
This behavior is known as passive-aggressive communication. It’s a way for them to express their dissatisfaction or anger without engaging in direct confrontation.
This indirect method of communication is another typical behavior of someone who resorts to the silent treatment after disagreements.
It’s an avoidance tactic that leaves you guessing and creates a cycle of confusion and frustration in the relationship.
3) They seem unusually calm
You might expect someone who resorts to the silent treatment to be clearly upset or visibly angry. However, this isn’t always the case.
In fact, they might appear unusually calm and composed after an argument. They may carry on with daily routines as if nothing happened, completely ignoring the unresolved issue at hand.
This can leave you feeling bewildered and uncertain. You might question whether the argument was a big deal in the first place, or if your feelings are justified.
But remember, this apparent tranquility often masks their true feelings of discontent or anger.
It’s another way for them to avoid confrontation and express their displeasure indirectly – by pretending everything is fine when it’s actually not.
4) They twist the blame
In the aftermath of an argument, instead of self-reflecting or trying to understand your point of view, they may twist the blame onto you.
“You’re too sensitive,” or “you’re overreacting” are phrases you might hear more often than not.
They use these phrases as shields, protecting themselves from taking responsibility for their actions or words.
This blame-shifting is a painful and destructive tactic. It can make you question your feelings and reality, leaving you in a constant state of self-doubt and confusion.
Remember, it’s not about who is right or wrong in an argument. Healthy communication involves understanding each other’s perspectives and feelings.
Blaming and shaming are not part of a respectful dialogue. They are merely tools used by those who avoid responsibility and give the silent treatment after a disagreement.
5) They struggle with vulnerability
Underneath the surface of their silence, there might be a struggle with vulnerability. They may find it difficult to express their feelings or fears, especially after a disagreement.
This struggle often stems from past experiences or learned behaviors. They might have been taught that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness, or perhaps they’ve been hurt in the past when they’ve opened up.
It’s important to remember that this behavior isn’t a reflection of your worth or importance. You are deserving of open and honest communication.
Understanding their struggle with vulnerability can help you approach the situation with empathy. However, it doesn’t excuse the silent treatment or shift the responsibility for their behavior onto you.
It’s essential for them to recognize and work on these issues.
6) They use silence as a weapon
We’ve all been there. After an argument, sometimes we just need a few moments to cool down and collect our thoughts.
But there’s a stark difference between taking time for self-reflection and using silence as a weapon.
When your partner resorts to the silent treatment, it feels like they’re punishing you. It’s as if they’ve built an invisible wall, cutting off any form of communication or connection.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly worrying about what might trigger their next silent episode. This constant state of anxiety and uncertainty can be emotionally exhausting.
Silence is not a solution to conflicts. It’s a destructive behavior that only widens the gap in your relationship. Healthy communication should be about understanding, not winning or punishing each other.
7) They have a knack for dramatic exits
Sometimes, it can almost feel like you’re in a dramatic movie scene. Your partner might have a flair for making grand exits right after arguments.
They storm out of the room, slam doors, or dramatically end phone calls. And then follows the eerie silence, making you feel like you’re waiting for the next episode in a soap opera.
As theatrical and intense as these exits may be, they’re just another way for your partner to avoid dealing with the issue at hand. It’s their way of having the ‘last word’ without actually saying anything.
While it might seem amusing or even absurd at times, remember that this is not an effective way to communicate or resolve conflicts.
In the end, relationships are not about dramatic scenes, but about understanding, patience, and genuine communication.
8) They fail to take responsibility
At the heart of the silent treatment lies a failure to take responsibility.
Your partner might dodge conversations about their behavior, deny their part in the conflict, or downplay the impact of their silence on you.
This lack of accountability keeps the cycle of silent treatment running. It’s their way of sidestepping any potential blame, keeping themselves in a comfortable position while you’re left feeling unheard and invalidated.
While understanding their behavior can provide insight, it’s crucial not to let empathy turn into enablement. It’s not your job to fix them, and it’s certainly not your responsibility to endure the silent treatment patiently.
Remember, you’re entitled to respect and open communication in a relationship. Don’t settle for less.
Reflecting on the silent treatment
If you’re in a relationship with someone who resorts to the silent treatment after arguments, chances are you’ve been through an emotional roller coaster ride.
Dealing with a partner who withdraws, communicates indirectly, and uses silence as a weapon can leave you feeling unheard and unimportant.
Renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman refers to the silent treatment as “stonewalling” and considers it one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for relationships – it’s that destructive.
“You can’t address issues or express feelings while stone-walling. There’s no opportunity for connection when one partner is silent or non-responsive,” says Dr. Gottman.
Essentially, the silent treatment hinders genuine communication, understanding, and connection – all of which are crucial elements for a healthy and thriving relationship.
Remember that it’s not your responsibility to change your partner or endure their damaging behavior patiently.
“You can’t always change someone’s behavior, but you can change how you respond to it. Seek professional help if needed and ensure you prioritize your mental health,” advises Dr. Gottman.
This article isn’t intended to label your partner but rather to help you identify certain behaviors that hinder effective communication and emotional connectivity in relationships.
Reflect on these signs, re-evaluate your relationship dynamics, and think about whether you’re truly happy and heard in your relationship.
Remember, a loving relationship should build you up, not break you down. Your feelings are valid. You deserve respect and open communication.
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