As a parent, it is vital that we nurture, love, and treat all our children equally. Yet, in some families, this balance isn’t always maintained.
Parental favoritism refers to situations where a parent consistently prefers one child over another. This could manifest emotionally or physically, leaving the less favored child feeling neglected or less loved.
A psychologist has identified nine key behaviors that parents who play favorites often display. These behaviors can be subtle and might not be apparent at first glance.
In this article, I will shed light on these behaviors to help you recognize if you or someone else might be unknowingly playing favorites in the family.
1) They show consistent preference
It’s natural for parents to sometimes connect more with one child due to shared interests or similar personalities. However, consistently showing preference for one child over another is a different story.
You might observe that a parent always seems more interested in the accomplishments of one child, no matter how big or small. They might always ask about the favored child’s day, their feelings, and their opinions more often.
This continual preference isn’t limited to attention alone. It could also manifest in the distribution of resources, like time spent together, gifts, or even responsibilities around the house.
In some cases, the favored child may also be exempted from rules or discipline that other children in the family are subject to.
This consistent preference can be subtle and may not be immediately noticeable, but over time it can have a profound impact on the self-esteem and interpersonal relationships of all children in the family.
2) They display differential treatment
Differential treatment is another common behavior observed in parents who play favorites. This means they treat each child differently based on their biases.
For instance, a parent might be more lenient with one child’s mistakes while being overly critical of the other’s similar blunders.
Another example could be that one child is always the ‘go-to’ for chores and responsibilities, while the other is often exempted.
Interestingly, this behavior might not be intentional or conscious, but it can create a stark contrast in how each child perceives their worth and value within the family.
The favored child may develop a sense of entitlement, while the less favored one could harbor feelings of inadequacy and resentment.
3) They justify their actions
Parents who favor one child often justify their actions, claiming it’s for the benefit of the other children.
For example, they may give more attention to a child because they believe he or she needs it more, or maybe because that child is ‘more sensitive’.
They might also argue that the favored child is more responsible or more successful, requiring more of their time and focus.
On the surface, these justifications may seem valid and even logical. However, they often serve to mask an underlying bias and can perpetuate a harmful dynamic within the family.
4) They deny the favoritism
This might be the hardest part to swallow, but parents who play favorites often flat-out deny that they’re doing so.
This denial can be so strong that they genuinely believe they’re treating all their children equally, even when it’s clear they’re not.
The denial can be hurtful because it invalidates the feelings of the child who feels less favored.
It’s a bitter pill to swallow when your experiences and emotions are dismissed or downplayed by the very people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally.
This denial isn’t just damaging for the less favored child; it can also create an unrealistic view of the world for the favored child, who may grow up thinking they are entitled to preferential treatment.
5) They struggle with self-awareness
It’s essential to remember that parents are human too, and they’re not immune to making mistakes. Often, parents who play favorites are unaware of their behavior and don’t realize the impact it has on their children.
It’s possible they’re replicating patterns from their own upbringing or responding to unresolved personal issues.
They may be favoring a child who reminds them of themselves, or conversely, they might be favoring a child who embodies traits they wish they had.
Understanding this doesn’t excuse their actions, but it can help us empathize with the struggle they may be going through.
It also presents an opportunity for open and honest conversations about these behaviors, which can be the first step towards change.
6) They overcompensate
In an attempt to balance the scales, parents who play favorites may sometimes swing to the other extreme and overcompensate.
For example, after a period of noticeably favoring one child, they might suddenly shower the other child with excessive praise, gifts or attention.
This could be their way of trying to make up for the imbalance, yet it often comes off as insincere or forced.
The child on the receiving end can easily detect this sudden shift in behavior and might feel confused or even more hurt.
It’s like a roller-coaster ride of emotions where they feel undervalued one moment and overwhelmed with attention the next. This inconsistency can lead to emotional instability and trust issues in the long run.
Many of us have experienced these swings in parental attention at some point, and we know how disorienting it can feel.
7) They have a ‘mini-me’
Let’s face it, as parents, it can be quite endearing when one of our children seems to be a little version of ourselves. They might share our interest in music, our love for cooking, or even our quirky sense of humor.
Parents who play favorites often have a ‘mini-me’ whom they naturally gravitate towards. This child mirrors their interests, values, or personality traits, making them the apple of their parent’s eye.
While it’s perfectly fine to enjoy these shared interests, it becomes problematic when it leads to favoritism.
It’s crucial to remember that each child is unique and should be cherished for their individuality. After all, wouldn’t it be boring if all our children were carbon copies of ourselves?
8) They neglect individual needs
Every child is unique, with their own set of needs, strengths, and weaknesses. Parents who play favorites, however, often neglect these individual needs.
Instead of recognizing and nurturing each child’s distinct qualities, they may expect all their children to conform to a single standard – often set according to the favored child.
This can lead to the less favored child feeling unseen and undervalued.
As parents, we must understand that our children are not one-size-fits-all.
We need to take the time to understand each child individually and provide them with the specific love, attention, and support they need. Anything less is simply not fair to them.
9) They create long-term effects
The most crucial thing to remember is that parental favoritism doesn’t just affect the childhood years – it has long-term effects that can shape a person’s self-esteem, relationships, and even their mental health into adulthood.
The less favored child may grow up with feelings of inadequacy, constantly striving for approval they feel they never received. They might develop trust issues or struggle with forming healthy relationships.
The favored child, on the other hand, may grow up with a skewed sense of entitlement, believing they’re always deserving of special treatment.
This could lead to struggles in their professional and personal life where such favoritism doesn’t exist.
As parents, it’s our responsibility to ensure our actions today aren’t negatively impacting our children’s future.
Recognizing and rectifying favoritism is a significant step towards nurturing a healthy and loving environment for all our children.
Final thoughts
Parenting is an intricate balance of love, discipline, and understanding. It’s a journey with ups and downs, and as parents, none of us are immune to making mistakes.
But it’s crucial to remember that our actions leave lasting impressions on our children.
If you recognize these signs in yourself or someone else, it’s not a cause for panic but rather a call for reflection and change.
Remember, acknowledging the issue is the first step towards resolution. It’s never too late to make changes and work towards creating a balanced, loving environment for all our children.
After all, our children deserve nothing less than our unprejudiced love and attention.
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