When you yell at your kids, they know you’re upset. When you sigh, they know you’re disappointed.
Ah, the world of parent-child communication.
Yet, navigating this tricky terrain can be tougher than it looks. The trick is learning to pick and ditch certain phrases to keep things smooth.
And guess what? I’ve discovered 8 phrases that are causing more harm than good.
Stay with me as I walk you through them, one by one, in this journey of avoiding unnecessary fallouts with your grown-up kiddos.
1) “Because I said so”
This phrase is as old as parenting itself.
It’s short, it’s snappy, and it’s a quick way to end a conversation. Yet, this seemingly innocent phrase can be a relationship killer when used with your adult children.
Why? Because it dismisses their opinions and feelings. It tells them that their thoughts don’t matter and that you hold all the cards.
So, instead of using this power-play phrase, opt for dialogue. Explain your reasoning and invite them to do the same. This simple switch promotes respect and understanding, which are key pillars in any relationship.
Remember, it’s not about winning an argument; it’s about maintaining a connection with your adult children.
2) “You’re just like your [parent]”
You ever have one of those moments when you say something and instantly regret it? That was me once, when I casually tossed this phrase at my grown-up son during a heated discussion.
I watched his face drop, and immediately knew I had made a mistake.
This phrase, as harmless as it may seem, can be an emotional landmine. It doesn’t matter if you’re saying it in a positive or negative light. To your adult child, you’re comparing them, boxing them into a category they might not want to be in.
And let me tell you from personal experience, it’s not a good feeling – for either party involved.
So take it from me, avoid this phrase like the plague. Instead, acknowledge your children for who they are – unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses.
3) “When I was your age”
We all love a good ol’ trip down memory lane, don’t we? But here’s the thing about this particular phrase: it’s not always as nostalgic as we intend it to be.
When you say “When I was your age”, you’re unintentionally setting up a comparison between generations. And let’s face it, times have changed dramatically.
For instance, did you know that the average age of first-time homeowners in the 1970s was around 25? Today, due to economic changes and soaring house prices, it has shot up to around 34.
So next time, instead of inadvertently setting up an unfair comparison, try swapping this phrase for something more empathetic like “I can see why you’re finding this tough”. It might just save the day – and your relationship!
4) “You always” or “You never”
Absolutes can be absolute trouble, especially when it comes to communication.
The phrases “You always” and “You never” are prime examples of this. They tend to come out when we’re frustrated and feel like we’re not being heard.
But here’s the kicker – they can lead to defensiveness and resentment. When we use these phrases, we’re not only generalizing behavior, but we’re also making accusations.
So, instead of saying “You never call me,” try saying, “I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. I miss hearing about your life.”
It shifts the conversation from blame to understanding, and ultimately, strengthens your bond with your adult child.
5) “I told you so”
Ah, the infamous “I told you so”. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
There’s a certain satisfaction in being right, especially when you warned someone about the potential consequences of their actions. But as satisfying as it may be to say it out loud, it can be incredibly hurtful to the person on the receiving end.
I’ve learned that using this phrase doesn’t foster growth or understanding. Rather, it creates a divide and adds a layer of resentment.
So next time when I’m tempted to throw out an “I told you so”, I remind myself that everyone makes mistakes and my role isn’t to rub it in, but to be there for support and guidance. This, I believe, is the true essence of parenting – no matter how old our children get.
6) “Don’t worry about it”
On the surface, this phrase seems like a comforting thing to say. After all, you’re trying to alleviate someone’s stress. But here’s the twist: it can actually be quite dismissive.
When you tell your adult children “don’t worry about it”, you’re unintentionally minimizing their concerns or feelings. It’s as if you’re saying their worries aren’t valid or important enough to be addressed.
Instead of brushing off their anxieties, try acknowledging them. Phrases like “I understand why you’re worried” or “Let’s figure this out together” can make all the difference in keeping a healthy relationship with your grown-up kids.
7) “What you should do is”
Giving advice is a natural instinct for parents, but it’s not always what our adult children need or want from us.
When we jump straight into problem-solving mode with “What you should do is”, we’re assuming that we know better than they do about their own lives. This can feel patronizing and frustrating to your grown-up children.
Instead, try taking a step back. Ask if they want your advice before giving it. And when they do want it, phrase it gently like “Have you considered…?” or “What if you try…?”
Remember, the goal is to be supportive, not to dictate their lives.
8) “That’s just the way I am”
This phrase, while seemingly innocuous, can be a barrier to personal growth and maintaining healthy relationships.
When we say “That’s just the way I am”, we’re refusing to acknowledge our flaws or the possibility of change. We’re telling our adult children that we’re not willing to improve or adapt for the sake of our relationship with them.
Instead, let’s strive for self-awareness and humility. Accepting feedback from our children and working on ourselves not only sets a great example for them but also strengthens our bond in the long run.
Embracing the gift of communication
If you’ve journeyed with me this far, you may have noticed that fostering a healthy relationship with our adult children is less about choosing the right words and more about creating an atmosphere of respect, empathy, and understanding.
Because language is more than just words. It’s our bridge to one another – a powerful tool encompassing not just what we say but how we say it.
As the renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
So let’s strive to be that person for our adult children – to really hear them and communicate with them in a way that feels ‘damn good’. Not just because it’s beneficial for our relationship with them, but because it makes us better human beings.
After all, isn’t that what life’s all about?
