When your mom told you to share your toys, you knew it was the right thing to do.
When your dad encouraged you to say “please” and “thank you”, it became second nature.
That’s the simplicity of childhood lessons.
However, ever wondered how these teachings might have shaped your interaction with others as an adult?
How they might have led you down the path of becoming a people-pleaser?
Well, some of us might resonate more than others. And that’s usually because we’ve been subjected to a certain set of common childhood teachings.
Here we go, diving into “8 common childhood teachings that lead to people-pleasing behavior”.
Buckle up for a journey back to your childhood.
1) The teaching of constant politeness
Growing up, we were all told to be polite.
Say your “please” and “thank you”, smile, and never interrupt when someone’s talking. Sound familiar?
These basic manners were the building blocks of our social interactions as kids, and for good reason.
They taught us respect, consideration, and how to coexist peacefully with others.
But here’s the twist – for some of us, this lesson might have gone a step too far.
In the pursuit of constant politeness, we might have suppressed our own needs and wants.
We might have learned to put others’ feelings before our own, leading us down the path of people-pleasing.
See the pattern? It’s not always visible on the surface, but if you dig a little deeper, it’s there.
The childhood teachings that shape our adult behaviors – fascinating, isn’t it?
2) The lesson of “sharing is caring”
Ah, sharing. I remember being a kid and having to share pretty much everything – from my toys to my snacks.
The mantra was simple: “Sharing is caring”. And it was drilled into my mind from a very young age.
It’s a crucial lesson about generosity and kindness. But here’s how it affected me personally.
In my eagerness to share and be kind, I started ignoring my own needs. I gave away the last piece of my favorite candy bar, even though I really wanted it.
I lent my favorite book to a friend, even though I hadn’t finished reading it.
Without realizing it, I was becoming a people pleaser. My desire to keep others happy overshadowed what I wanted or needed.
The line between being generous and neglecting myself became blurred.
So, the lesson here? “Sharing is caring”, yes, but not at the cost of your own happiness or well-being.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, right?
3) The importance of “always be helpful”
We’ve all been taught to lend a helping hand. It’s a childhood lesson that most of us carry into adulthood – to always offer assistance when we can.
However, studies have shown that children who are excessively encouraged to be helpful often grow up feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
They develop a sense of duty to ensure everyone around them is okay, sometimes at the cost of their own well-being.
This doesn’t mean teaching children to be helpful is wrong. It’s about finding a balance.
Encouraging them to help others, but also letting them know it’s okay to say “no” if they’re not comfortable or if it’s beyond their capacity.
It’s great to be there for others, but not if it means compromising your own peace and happiness.
4) The push for “don’t make waves”
This one’s a classic – “Don’t make waves”. Essentially, we were taught to avoid conflict, keep the peace, and not stir up trouble.
This lesson was often enforced subtly – like when we were shushed for asking too many questions or discouraged from disagreeing during family discussions.
The message was clear: don’t disrupt the status quo.
As adults, this teaching might have led us to suppress our own opinions and feelings to avoid conflicts.
We might find ourselves agreeing with others, even when we don’t really, just to keep the peace.
While maintaining harmony is important, it shouldn’t come at the cost of our own voice and authenticity.
It’s okay to disagree and have a different perspective. After all, that’s what makes us unique, right?
5) The mantra of “patience is a virtue”
I remember hearing this one a lot growing up – “patience is a virtue”.
My parents drummed it into me whenever I was eager to get something I wanted or when I was struggling to wait my turn.
And yes, patience is an important virtue. It teaches us to wait, to be calm, and to appreciate the journey rather than just the destination.
But here’s how it played out for me.
In my pursuit of being patient, I sometimes ended up waiting endlessly. I’d wait for people to acknowledge my needs, or for situations to change in my favor.
I found myself putting my desires on the back burner, waiting for the ‘right’ time, which often never came.
This childhood teaching led me to often prioritize others’ needs over my own, in the name of patience.
It took me a while to realize that while patience is indeed a virtue, so is asserting oneself and maintaining one’s boundaries.
So yes, be patient, but also know when it’s time to step up and voice your needs.
6) The directive of “always respect your elders”
“Always respect your elders” – a directive most of us have grown up with. Respect for elders is a core value in many cultures, teaching us to value experience and wisdom.
However, there’s a flip side. This directive can sometimes lead us to unquestioningly accept decisions or opinions made by older people, even when we don’t agree.
We might feel compelled to comply out of respect, limiting our ability to express our own thoughts or feelings.
While respecting elders is important, it’s equally crucial to remember that respect does not equate to blind obedience.
It’s okay to respectfully disagree or voice your own opinions. After all, everyone’s perspective matters, regardless of age.
7) The lesson of “turn the other cheek”
Many of us were taught the principle of “turn the other cheek” as children. It’s a lesson in forgiveness, forbearance, and letting go of grudges.
However, taken to an extreme, this lesson can sometimes lead us to become overly tolerant of poor treatment.
We might find ourselves brushing off disrespectful behavior or hurtful remarks, just to keep the peace and avoid confrontation.
While forgiveness is a virtue, it’s also important to stand up for oneself when necessary. Remember, it’s okay to assert your boundaries and demand respect.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and dignity, just like everyone else.
8) The belief in “good things come to those who wait”
“Good things come to those who wait” – a belief that taught us the value of patience and perseverance.
But this belief can also lead us to become passive, waiting for things to happen rather than actively pursuing our desires.
While patience is important, it’s also crucial to remember that we are active participants in our own lives.
Waiting can be a part of the process, but it shouldn’t deter us from taking action towards what we want.
It’s okay to take charge and make things happen for ourselves.
Understanding your worth
If you’ve journeyed with me this far, you’ll likely see how these common childhood teachings, while well-intended, can unintentionally lead to people-pleasing behavior.
Because people-pleasing isn’t about being kind or considerate.
It’s about losing sight of your own needs and values in the pursuit of others’ happiness.
If you resonate with this, remember that it’s not a flaw. It’s a pattern shaped by your experiences and teachings.
And just like any pattern, it can be changed.
Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
You have the right to voice your needs, assert your boundaries and prioritize your well-being.
And once you embrace that, you’re not just a people-pleaser anymore.
You’re someone who understands their worth and respects themselves just as much as they respect others.
