As a first-time mother, I quickly learned there are certain phrases that, while meant to be supportive, can feel more like a punch to the gut.
Drawing from my personal experience and backed by psychology, I’ve realized these well-intentioned words can often come off as loaded judgments, even when delivered with a smile.
Now, I don’t believe anyone sets out to intentionally distress a new mom, but sometimes these comments can have an unintended negative effect.
So, here are seven well-meaning phrases that no first-time mother wants to hear—and why.
Trust me, it’s not just the postpartum hormones talking.
1) “You look tired…”
As a new mom, I quickly discovered that the phrase “You look tired” was not the sympathetic pat-on-the-back it seemed to be.
In fact, it felt more like a critique on my appearance and ability to handle motherhood.
The well-meaning person may think they are acknowledging our hard work or showing concern, but this comment can often sound like an underhanded way of saying we’re not coping well.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
As first-time mothers, we’re already struggling with acceptance of our new roles and our changed bodies.
Comments like “You look tired” can subtly imply that we’re not meeting some invisible standard of motherhood.
It can add unnecessary pressure to an already stressful situation.
Instead, consider offering a helping hand or a comforting word that doesn’t focus on physical appearance.
Trust me, we’re aware of the bags under our eyes and the messy bun on top of our heads.
Your acknowledgment only serves to heighten our self-consciousness.
2) “Sleep when the baby sleeps…”
When I first became a mom, this was the one piece of advice I heard over and over again: “Sleep when the baby sleeps”.
On the surface, it seems like a practical suggestion.
After all, we all know that new moms need as much rest as possible.
But in reality, this phrase made me feel like I was failing if I wasn’t able to catch those elusive zzz’s during my baby’s nap time.
Sometimes I had chores to do, sometimes I just wanted some ‘me’ time, and sometimes, despite being bone-tired, I just couldn’t fall asleep on demand.
In fact, the pressure to sleep made it even harder to relax.
As psychologist Sigmund Freud said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
The unexpressed frustration and guilt of not being able to adhere to this seemingly simple advice can add unnecessary stress.
A more empathetic approach would be to say something like, “It’s okay if you can’t sleep when the baby does. Just find some time for yourself whenever you can.”
This gives new moms permission to navigate this journey in a way that works best for them without adding any extra pressure.
3) “Enjoy every moment…”
Did you ever feel overwhelmed when someone told you to “Enjoy every moment?” I did.
This phrase, though meant to be uplifting, can be a constant reminder of the moments that are far from enjoyable.
The sleepless nights, the incessant crying (both the baby’s and mine), the struggle with breastfeeding—these are realities of early motherhood that aren’t always joyous.
This phrase, while well-intentioned, can make us feel guilty for wanting to fast-forward through the tough times and can stifle our ability to grow and learn from these challenges.
Let’s be real: It’s okay not to cherish every moment, and it’s okay to yearn for a full night’s sleep or a moment of solitude—it doesn’t make us bad mothers; it makes us human.
4) “Is the baby good?”
One question that always caught me off guard was, “Is the baby good?”
This implies that newborn behavior—crying, feeding issues, or sleep problems—is a reflection of their ‘goodness’ or ‘badness’.
As a new mom, I found this question particularly troubling.
My baby was just being a baby, and labeling him as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on his behavior seemed unfair.
Labeling children can have long-term effects on their behavior and self-esteem.
When children are labeled as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, they can internalize these labels and it can influence their future behavior.
Instead of asking if the baby is ‘good’, consider asking specific questions about the baby’s health and development like “How is your baby sleeping?” or “Is your baby eating well?”
This not only shows genuine interest but also avoids casting any judgment or label on the baby.
5) “It will pass…”
How many times have you heard the phrase “It will pass” when you’re in the middle of a challenging situation? While this is intended to be comforting, as a new mom, I found it dismissive.
Sure, I understand that every phase of childhood is temporary but when you’re in the thick of sleep deprivation or dealing with colic, it doesn’t feel temporary.
It feels like an eternity.
The famous psychologist, William James, once said, “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”
But sometimes, when you’re overwhelmed, it’s hard to choose any thought.
Rather than saying “It will pass,” why not offer a listening ear or some words of encouragement?
Just knowing someone else understands can make all the difference.
6) “You’re spoiling the baby…”
As a new mom, I found the phrase “You’re spoiling the baby…” to be quite baffling.
How can you spoil a newborn? They cry when they need something—food, sleep, comfort.
Responding to those needs isn’t spoiling; it’s parenting.
Yet, this phrase is surprisingly common.
It suggests that by responding promptly to our baby’s needs, we are somehow creating bad habits or making our babies overly dependent.
Babies learn about their worth and their ability to influence the world around them through their interactions with their caregivers.
In fact, studies show that responsive parenting, rather than creating dependency, builds trust and fosters independence in children as they grow.
7) “Are you going back to work?”
The question “Are you going back to work?” can feel loaded for many new moms.
It carries the implication that we should have our life decisions all sorted out amidst adjusting to our new role as a parent.
Famous psychologist Erik Erikson said, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”
This quote reminds us that it’s okay to take the time to figure things out.
Instead of putting pressure on new moms with this question, let’s focus on supporting them in their journey, irrespective of their career plans.
Wrapping up
Navigating the journey of motherhood, especially for the first time, is an intricate dance filled with joy, challenges, learning, and unlearning.
The phrases we’ve discussed, though well-intentioned, can sometimes add stress to an already overwhelming transition.
It’s crucial to remember that every mom’s journey is unique and laden with personal struggles and triumphs.
Before offering advice or comments to a new mom, let’s consider how our words might be received.
Sometimes, the best support we can offer is a listening ear, an understanding smile, or a simple “You’re doing great.
Becoming a mother is a profound transformation—one that deserves respect, empathy, and patience from those around us—and, as we step into this new role with all its complexities, perhaps the most comforting phrase to hear is simply “I’m here for you.”
