7 subtle phrases a toxic mother will use to sabotage your self-esteem, according to psychology

It’s right up there with the toughest things to admit in life:

You have a mother, a woman who should be your biggest cheerleader, your main pillar of support. But instead, she’s subtly chipping away at your self-esteem.

You’ve tried to ignore it, to brush it off as just her way of showing love. But something’s not right.

It doesn’t always look like something out of a soap opera.

You just have this nagging suspicion that her seemingly innocent words are actually harming your confidence, even if your heart, mind or soul reject the idea.

This is how you can know for certain that your mother is using subtle phrases to undermine your self-belief, even if admitting it feels like swallowing a bitter pill.

1. “I’m just trying to help you”

In the world of motherhood, this phrase is a classic, a go-to for the toxic mother.

At first, it sounds like a caring statement, a motherly instinct to guide and advise. But look closer.

The truth is, it’s a low-key way of criticizing you, disguising her disapproval as ‘help’.

When you constantly hear “I’m just trying to help you”, even for the most trivial things like choosing your outfits or deciding your meals, it’s not about helping anymore.

It’s about controlling and undermining your ability to make decisions. It’s about making you feel incapable and dependent on her, which can seriously damage your self-esteem.

If you find yourself second-guessing your choices because of this phrase, it’s time to acknowledge that it’s not help, it’s harm.

2. “You’re too sensitive”

This is another phrase that my own mother used quite frequently.

It was her go-to response whenever I tried to express my feelings about her hurtful words or actions. It’s a phrase that, on the surface, seems like a simple observation. But in reality, it’s a way of dismissing your feelings, minimizing your emotional responses.

I remember one time when I was 16. I had just gotten my first job and I was incredibly excited about it. But instead of congratulating me or sharing my excitement, she simply said, “Don’t get too excited. You’re probably going to mess it up anyway.”

When I told her that her words hurt me, all she said was, “You’re too sensitive.”

It’s a phrase designed to make you feel like your feelings are invalid, that you’re overreacting. It’s a way of gaslighting you into thinking the problem is with you, not with her toxic behavior.

3. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

Imagine this: you’re proud of your creative achievements, like excelling in art, sports, or a hobby.

Then your mother compares you to your sibling who has a knack for academics or a high-paying job. Suddenly, your strengths feel less valid, like they donโ€™t measure up.

This comparison often isn’t about inspiring you to grow; itโ€™s a way to highlight perceived shortcomings.

Over time, these remarks can instill a feeling of inadequacy, making you feel like youโ€™ll never be enough. If you’ve heard this phrase, remind yourself that everyone has unique talents, and success doesn’t look the same for everyone.

You donโ€™t need to fit someone elseโ€™s mold to have value.

4. “I did all of this for you”

This phrase is often used by toxic mothers to convey a sense of indebtedness, making you feel like you owe them for everything they’ve done for you.

According to psychology, guilt is a powerful manipulation tool. It can make us feel obligated to conform to others’ expectations, even at the expense of our own happiness and well-being.

“I did all of this for you” is a phrase that’s designed to make you feel guilty. It’s meant to make you feel like you owe your mother something because of all the sacrifices she’s made.

I used to hear it all the time, especially when I wanted to do something that went against her wishes. “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” she would say, making me feel guilty for wanting to live my own life.

If this phrase is a constant in your life, it’s time to realize that it’s being used as a weapon to control and undermine your self-esteem. You are not indebted to anyone for the life choices they made, even if that person is your mother.

5. “You’re lucky I put up with you”

This phrase is a stinger. It’s a punch to the gut that leaves you feeling unlovable and unworthy.

It’s a subtle way of suggesting that you’re a burden, that you’re hard to love. That without her tolerance, you’d be alone.

Picture being at a friendโ€™s house. You notice their parents supporting them without question or complaint, even when things get messy. Contrast that with hearing from your own mother, “You’re lucky I put up with you,” after a disagreement or mistake.

Itโ€™s not just dismissive; it creates an emotional debt, making you feel like you owe her for tolerating your presence.

Healthy relationshipsโ€”parental or otherwiseโ€”arenโ€™t about “putting up with” someone. They’re about mutual respect and care. If youโ€™ve internalized this message, remember: love isnโ€™t something you have to earn.

6. “You’ll understand when you’re a mother”

This phrase can sound innocuous, even benign. After all, it’s true that certain experiences give us a different perspective on life. But when used by a toxic mother, it’s another story.

“You’ll understand when you’re a mother” is often employed to dismiss your feelings or perspectives. It’s a way of saying that your views are immature or invalid because you haven’t experienced motherhood.

I remember being told this every time I disagreed with my mother or called her out on her hurtful behaviour. Instead of addressing the issue or considering my perspective, she would dismiss it with this phrase.

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The underlying message here is clear: your thoughts and feelings don’t matter because you’re not a mother. And this can slowly chip away at your self-esteem.

7. “It’s for your own good”

This phrase is perhaps one of the most insidious ones a toxic mother can use.

“It’s for your own good” is a phrase that can be used to justify any form of criticism or control. It’s a way of saying that whatever hurtful thing she does or says is actually a favor to you.

In my own experience, this phrase was used as a blanket justification for everything from harsh criticisms to controlling behaviors. Each time, it was presented as if it was a sacrifice she was making for my benefit.

But the truth is, it’s not for your own good. It’s about maintaining control and keeping you under her thumb. And each time you hear it, it erodes your self-esteem a little bit more.

8. “I’m your mother, I know what’s best for you”

Here’s the big one. The phrase that seems to give a toxic mother unlimited license to dictate your life: “I’m your mother, I know what’s best for you.”

It’s a phrase that can undermine your self-esteem in a powerful way, because it directly challenges your ability to make decisions for yourself.

I remember the countless times my own mother used this phrase to override my choices, from small decisions like what to wear to big ones like what career path to choose. It was like her title as a mother gave her the authority to decide what was best for me.

But here’s the thing: it’s your life. You have the right to make your own decisions, to learn from your mistakes, to forge your own path.

Embracing your journey

If you see yourself in these signs, it’s likely you’ve experienced some level of emotional manipulation from your mother.

But here’s the silver lining – this experience does not define you. You have the power to reclaim your self-esteem and rewrite your narrative.

Begin by acknowledging these subtle phrases for what they are – tools of control, not expressions of love. Recognize when you’re being undermined and stand firm in your self-worth.

Ask yourself – is this behavior acceptable to me? Does this align with how I deserve to be treated? Am I honoring my authentic self?

Change doesn’t come overnight, and old patterns can be stubborn. But with consistent awareness, you can shift your responses and build resilience.

Remember, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

In this journey of self-discovery and healing, be patient with yourself. Celebrate the small victories. Seek support when you need it. Over time, you’ll uncover a stronger, more confident version of yourself – one who knows her worth and isn’t afraid to assert it.

You deserve respect, love, and kindness. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

Feeling stuck in self-doubt?

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Picture of Tina Fey

Tina Fey

I've ridden the rails, gone off track and lost my train of thought. I'm writing to try and find it again. Hope you enjoy the journey with me.

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