Finding yourself in the “reality stage” of a relationship can feel like a rude awakening. The honeymoon phase is over and the rose-colored glasses are off. Suddenly, you’re noticing habits in your partner that you hadn’t before. And you’re yearning for more love, more connection.
It’s easy to point the finger at your partner during these times. But the real change begins with you. If you’re ready to feel more loved in your relationship, it’s time to say goodbye to these eight behaviors.
1) Expecting love without giving love
Entering the reality stage of a relationship can bring up a lot of insecurities. We often start to crave more love and affection from our partners. The mistake many of us make is expecting this love without reciprocating it.
It’s not enough to merely demand love from your partner. You must also be willing to give it freely and unconditionally. Love is a two-way street, and it requires active participation from both parties.
This may involve stepping outside of your comfort zone and confronting your fears about vulnerability. It may require challenging any limiting beliefs you may have about what it means to give and receive love.
In a relationship, you cannot solely be a consumer of love. You must also be a provider. By giving love generously, you invite your partner to reciprocate in kind.
Remember, to feel more loved, you must first be willing to give more love. This is where true connection and intimacy begin.
2) Failing to communicate your needs effectively
One of the biggest misconceptions about relationships is that your partner should inherently understand your needs. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Human beings aren’t mind readers, and expecting your partner to instinctively know what you need is a recipe for disappointment and frustration.
Early in my relationship journey, I often found myself expecting my partner to just “get” me. When they didn’t, I felt unloved and misunderstood. It took me a while to realize that the problem wasn’t them—it was my failure to communicate my needs effectively.
Open communication is critical in any relationship. You must be able to voice your needs, expectations, and feelings clearly and respectfully, without blame or judgement. This requires self-awareness, courage, and vulnerability.
As Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and someone whose work deeply resonates with me, once said: “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” This rings especially true when it comes to expressing our needs in a relationship.
3) Sticking to the myth of the perfect partner and ideal relationship
Many of us are guilty of holding onto an illusion of the perfect partner or an ideal relationship. We’re programmed by society to believe in these unrealistic ideals, and when our relationships don’t conform to these standards, we feel discontented and unfulfilled.
I’ve learned through my journey, and particularly through producing the “The Art of Love and Intimacy” masterclass with the shaman Rudá Iandê, that our relationships are often a mirror of our internal selves. The more we understand and develop ourselves, the more our relationships flourish.
This free masterclass challenges societal conditioning around love and intimacy. It helps participants break free from toxic cycles and limiting beliefs, guiding them to create deeper, more meaningful connections. You’ll learn to ditch the unrealistic ideals and embrace authentic relationships.
The impact of this shift in perspective is profound. You’ll find yourself empowered to transform your relationships, leading to greater fulfillment and deeper connections.
Check out this masterclass to begin dismantling the myth of perfection and start cultivating genuine, respectful connections in your relationship.
4) Ignoring your own personal development
In the pursuit of love and acceptance from our partner, we often lose sight of one crucial aspect—ourselves. We become so focused on the relationship, on making things work, that we overlook our own personal growth and development.
This is a dangerous path to tread. When we neglect our own needs and desires, we start to lose ourselves in the relationship. And when that happens, it’s not just us who suffer—our relationship suffers too.
Your personal development is integral to the health of your relationship. By working on yourself, by growing and evolving, you bring more to the relationship. You become a better partner. You’re able to love and be loved in a healthier, more fulfilling way.
Let me be raw and honest here: If you’re not growing as an individual, your relationship will stagnate. And no amount of love or effort from your partner can compensate for that.
So here’s my question to you: Are you investing as much in your personal growth as you are in your relationship?
5) Clinging to absolute control
In relationships, we often feel the need to control outcomes, believing that it will lead to a sense of security and predictability. We plan, strategize, and manipulate in an attempt to steer the relationship in the direction we want.
While it’s necessary to exert some level of control—over our actions, our responses, our boundaries—it becomes problematic when we try to control our partner or the natural flow of the relationship. This is because real, authentic relationships require freedom and flexibility.
In every relationship, there are two individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. By trying to control everything, you’re not respecting your partner’s individuality and autonomy. You’re not allowing for mutual growth and evolution.
Letting go of absolute control doesn’t mean passivity or neglect; it means embracing uncertainty and trusting in the process. It means understanding that you can’t script every moment or plan every outcome. It means allowing your relationship to unfold naturally.
Powerful relationships aren’t built on control—they are built on mutual respect, authenticity, and freedom. Embrace these values, and watch your relationship flourish.
6) Choosing comfort over growth
Comfort is a beautiful thing. It provides a sense of security and stability. But when comfort becomes a deterrent to growth, it can be damaging to your relationship.
Many of us find ourselves stagnating in our relationships because we’re too comfortable to step out of our comfort zones. We prefer the familiar, even if it’s not fulfilling. The fear of change, the fear of the unknown, keeps us rooted in place.
But growth only happens outside your comfort zone. It’s only when we challenge ourselves, when we face our fears and push our boundaries, that we truly grow. And this growth is crucial not just for our personal development, but also for the development of our relationships.
If you find that you’re choosing comfort over growth, it’s time to reassess. It’s time to embrace discomfort and take steps toward personal and relationship growth.
Remember, a fulfilling relationship requires two individuals who are not just comfortable with each other, but also with their own individual growth and development.
7) Overlooking the importance of self-love
When we’re in a relationship, we often focus so much on loving our partner that we forget about the importance of loving ourselves. We pour all our energy into making our partner feel loved, often neglecting our own need for self-love.
Self-love is not selfish. In fact, it’s essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. When we love ourselves, we’re better equipped to love others. We become more resilient, more understanding, and more capable of maintaining a positive relationship.
So don’t forget to take care of yourself. Practice self-compassion and self-care regularly. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Remember that feeling loved in your relationship starts with loving yourself.
8) Avoiding difficult conversations
It’s only natural to avoid conflict and uncomfortable conversations. But avoiding difficult discussions can lead to resentment and misunderstanding in your relationship.
Whether it’s about financial decisions, future planning, or coping with challenges, it’s essential to have these conversations with your partner. It may be uncomfortable, but it’s crucial for understanding each other and growing as a couple.
Avoiding these discussions is like ignoring a ticking time bomb. It may be quiet for a while, but eventually, it will explode, leading to even more damage.
So don’t shy away from difficult conversations. Embrace them as opportunities for growth and understanding in your relationship. A strong relationship isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about facing it together and coming out stronger on the other side.
Embracing Authenticity in Relationships
Throughout this article, we’ve delved into some of the core behaviors that can hinder us from feeling loved as we navigate the “reality stage” of our relationships. From holding onto the myth of the perfect partner to avoiding difficult conversations, these behaviors often stem from fear, misunderstanding, and lack of self-awareness.
The truth is, authentic relationships are not built on perfection but growth. They thrive not on absolute control but mutual respect and freedom. They flourish not from unrealistic expectations but from clear communication and self-love.
If you’re yearning for more love in your relationship, start by looking inward. Cultivate self-love. Embrace your personal growth. Challenge your limiting beliefs and step out of your comfort zone. Most importantly, communicate your needs effectively and be willing to have those uncomfortable conversations.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into these principles and transform your approach to relationships, I highly recommend the free “The Art of Love and Intimacy” masterclass with Rudá Iandê. This masterclass challenges societal conditioning around love and intimacy, guiding participants to break free from toxic cycles and cultivate deeper connections.
Watching this masterclass will provide you with practical insights and tools, allowing you to cultivate a more authentic relationship with your partner, and most importantly, with yourself. It’s a transformative experience that aligns perfectly with the principles we’ve discussed here.
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