There’s a fine line between being a parent and a friend to your adult children.
The challenge lies in balancing respect for their independence while still showing your love and concern.
Unfortunately, there are certain behaviors that can drive a wedge between you and your grown-up kids.
In this article, I’ll be outlining eight habits you might want to reconsider if you want to maintain a close relationship with your adult children.
Remember, it’s not about manipulating their feelings towards you, but rather influencing a better understanding and bond between two adults who happen to be parent and child.
1) Unwanted advice
Here’s a situation every parent of adult children is familiar with.
Your grown-up kid is faced with a predicament. You, having more life experience, feel compelled to offer your two cents.
The problem is, your well-intentioned advice might not always be welcome.
Just like anyone else, adult children want to feel competent and capable of making their own decisions. Constantly offering unsolicited advice can make them feel like you don’t trust their judgment.
Remember, the goal isn’t to dictate their lives but to support them in their journey.
When they ask for advice, that’s your cue to step in. Otherwise, it might be best to hold your tongue and let them navigate their own path.
This doesn’t mean you’re being neglectful. It simply means you’re respecting their autonomy as an adult. And that can go a long way in maintaining a strong bond with your adult children.
2) Overstepping boundaries
Let me share a personal story to illustrate this one.
Recently, my adult daughter moved into a new apartment. As a parent, I couldn’t help but want to make the space perfect for her.
One afternoon, while she was at work, I decided to surprise her by rearranging her living room. In my mind, I was doing her a favor.
But when she got home and saw what I had done, she wasn’t pleased. She appreciated the thought but felt that I had overstepped my boundaries. That was her personal space, and she wanted to have control over it.
That incident made me realize that even with the best intentions, it’s crucial to respect their personal space and boundaries. It’s not about stepping back entirely, but understanding that they have their own lives to lead.
So remember, before making decisions that involve your adult children – always ask first. It shows respect for their independence and reinforces the adult relationship you now share.
3) Neglecting to listen
Effective communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about listening too. However, in a study conducted by Faye Doell, a psychologist at the University of Toronto, it was found that people generally believe they listen better than they actually do.
Listening is particularly important when it comes to your relationship with your adult children. They want to be heard and understood, not just talked at.
If your child is sharing something with you, take the time to actively listen. This means putting away distractions, maintaining eye contact, and responding appropriately.
Being a good listener demonstrates that you value their thoughts and opinions. It fosters mutual respect and encourages open dialogue – key ingredients for maintaining a close relationship.
So next time your adult child wants to talk, remember to listen. It’s a simple act that can yield substantial benefits for your relationship.
4) Keeping score
Relationships aren’t a game, and keeping score of who did what can be toxic.
Every time you remind your adult child of past mistakes or hold their shortcomings over their head, it creates a rift in your relationship.
No one is perfect, including your adult children. Holding onto past transgressions isn’t productive and can lead to feelings of resentment.
Instead, learn to let go and forgive. Show them that you understand they’re human and capable of making mistakes. And that’s okay.
What’s more important is how they learn and grow from these experiences. After all, isn’t that what life is all about?
So, say goodbye to keeping score and hello to a healthier relationship with your adult children.
5) Lack of appreciation
Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of life, we forget to express our appreciation for the people closest to us.
Our adult children are no different. They’ve matured into individuals with their own identities and accomplishments. And like anyone else, they desire recognition and validation.
Perhaps your son has become a dedicated father or your daughter an ambitious career woman. Maybe they’ve developed a kind heart or an unyielding resilience. Whatever it is they’ve achieved or become, let them know you see it and you’re proud.
A heartfelt compliment or a genuine ‘thank you’ can make a world of difference to them. It reassures them of your love, respect, and admiration.
So don’t hold back on expressing your appreciation. It’s a small gesture that can significantly strengthen your bond with your adult children.
6) Being too rigid
I used to believe that routines and traditions were unwavering. Every Thanksgiving had to involve a big family dinner at home, just like we’ve done for years.
But when my adult children started having their own families and obligations, it became harder to uphold these traditions. I felt disappointed, even hurt.
It took time, but I finally understood that being rigid with traditions and expectations could push them away. As they grow, they’re building their own lives and creating their own traditions.
So, instead of insisting on what’s always been done, I learned to be more flexible. We started new traditions that accommodated everyone’s schedules and preferences.
The essence wasn’t in the tradition itself, but in the time spent together. Sometimes, change can be good. It can open doors to beautiful new experiences and create room for your relationship with your adult children to evolve.
7) Overbearing worry
As a parent, it’s normal to worry about your kids, no matter how old they get. But there’s a difference between caring and being overbearing.
Excessive worrying can come off as controlling or intrusive. It can make your adult children feel like you don’t trust their abilities to handle life’s ups and downs.
Instead, have faith in the values and life skills you’ve instilled in them. Trust that they can weather the storms that come their way.
Of course, you should always be there to provide support when needed. Just make sure it’s a safety net, not a leash. This balance can help maintain closeness without causing unnecessary tension.
8) Lack of respect for their adulthood
Above all, the most crucial thing to remember is this: your children are adults now. They’re no longer the little ones who needed your guidance at every step.
They’ve grown into individuals with their own dreams, responsibilities, and choices. They have their own lives to lead.
Respect for their adulthood is fundamental in maintaining a close relationship. This means understanding that they’re not just your children anymore but equals deserving of the same respect you’d give any other adult.
Give them space to make their own decisions, live their own experiences, and learn their own lessons. This respect is the foundation of a strong parent-adult child relationship.
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