In the reality we exist in, past memories hold little value—your present actions do, however.
This suggests that past memories do hold importance, but only to the extent that they push you to alter your habits that improve your life and the lives of those around you.
Letting go of painful memories isn’t about forgetting—it’s about freeing yourself from the habits that keep you stuck in the past.
If you’re ready to heal and move forward, start by saying goodbye to these seven behaviors that may be holding you back:
1) Stop dwelling on the past
Reflect on your current state right now: Your heart continues to beat, you’re breathing and reading these words—life goes on, with or without your past.
Being human, it’s crucial to comprehend that you can’t change what has already happened.
It’s essential to discard the illusion of control that arises from believing you can alter your past.
You can’t, but your present actions can and they are most potent when they’re focused on the now.
If you can stop fixating on your past and start cultivating conditions in your life to live the way you desire, your dreams will unravel from what transpires in your life.
You will be able to gain control over your past.
2) Embrace your discomfort
This perspective dawned upon me from my experiences dealing with personal trauma: Guidance on how to move on usually suggests “forgiving and forgetting” or “maintaining a positive outlook“.
While this is popular advice, it’s not the absolute truth.
Real healing comes from acknowledging your discomfort and observing your pain.
As a wise friend once told me to observe my pain, to not do anything—no distraction, no escaping— and just observe whatever I’m feeling.
They told me to stop suppressing, avoiding, and ignoring it or, in short, not to do anything at all on my end.
Looking back, I understood what they meant: I’m merely an observer, and the magic of observing is healing.
As I observe, my mind slowly becomes empty of pain—I’m not becoming numb, rather becoming more alert and more conscious.
This is something I wish for you to bear in mind, as well.
3) Break free from the habit of self-criticism
“Self-improvement” came from the idea that I was the architect of my own transformation, but the truth is that self-criticism was something I was doing after things had already occurred.
Consider your mind at this moment: Your thoughts form by themselves as ideas and emotions arise from within you without conscious effort.
While reading this, you’ve probably had a few random thoughts pop up on their own.
Being human, it’s vital to realize that you don’t have control over everything because you’re merely functioning on instinct.
It’s crucial to release the false sense of control that comes from thinking your self-criticism shapes your future—it doesn’t—but your actions do, and they are most potent when they occur instinctively without overthinking.
If you can stop relying on self-criticism and start fostering a more compassionate mindset towards yourself, your potential for growth becomes evident in your life.
4) How you handle your memories is what counts
Past memories influence how we handle our present and future.
In my case, I tend to get wrapped up in my memories and become obsessed with the past, unable to move forward.
My intentions are good—I believe remembering the past can stop me from making the same mistakes—but, when I get so engrossed in my memories, I can fall into the trap of thinking my past is more significant than my present and future.
I can lose touch with reality and become withdrawn and am probably not such a pleasant person to be around.
If I evaluated myself based on my intentions, I wouldn’t question my behavior.
How you handle your memories is what counts, not the intentions that drive your behavior.
5) Let go of the habit of overthinking
I’ve always been a thinker: As a child, I would spend hours lost in my own world, constructing elaborate scenarios in my mind.
As an adult, this translated into a tendency to overthink everything—from work decisions to personal relationships.
I remember one particular instance where I was offered a job opportunity in another city.
Rather than feeling excited about the prospect, I spent weeks agonizing over every possible scenario—what if I didn’t like the new city? What if I failed at the new job? What if I regretted leaving behind my old life?
In the end, I turned down the opportunity out of fear.
It wasn’t the fear of the unknown that held me back, rather it was the fear created by my own mind, by my habit of overthinking.
Letting go of this habit has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.
Now, instead of getting caught up in endless loops of “what ifs”, I make decisions based on what feels right in the moment and trust that whatever happens, I’ll be able to handle it.
Remember: It’s not your thoughts that shape your life, but your actions, so don’t let overthinking hold you back from embracing opportunities and living fully in the present moment.
6) Prioritize self-compassion
Studies have shown that self-compassion is a powerful tool for coping with life’s challenges as it encourages us to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would extend to a loved one in distress.
This research suggests we should focus on cultivating a compassionate relationship with ourselves, acknowledging our shortcomings without judgment, and understanding that failure is a part of the human experience.
For those struggling with painful memories, practicing self-compassion can provide a sense of relief—it’s a reminder that our past mistakes do not define us, and that everyone has their share of painful experiences.
Prioritizing self-compassion enables us to view our past from a place of understanding and acceptance, which can significantly aid in leaving painful memories behind.
7) Stop avoiding your past
Interestingly, one of the most effective ways to leave painful memories in the past is to stop avoiding them.
This might seem counterproductive, but let me explain: Our natural instinct is to avoid pain—it’s a survival mechanism.
However, when it comes to emotional pain, avoidance often amplifies the discomfort.
The more we try to push away a painful memory, the more power we give to it.
We should strive to face our past head-on.
This doesn’t mean dwelling on it or allowing it to consume us, rather, it means acknowledging what happened, understanding how it affected us, and learning from it.
By facing our past, we take away its power over us and we shift from being its victim to becoming its master.
In order to truly move forward, we must first accept where we’ve been.
Leaving painful memories in the past starts with saying goodbye to the habit of avoidance and embracing the healing power of acceptance.
Bottom line: It could be habitual
Human behavior and memory processing often tie closely to habitual patterns, like the tendency to ruminate on the past.
Rumination creates a mental cycle that shapes how we view our experiences, often making it harder to move on from painful memories—breaking this habit can bring relief and allow us to fully embrace the present.
Practices like mindfulness, exercise, creative pursuits, or connecting with loved ones can help shift focus and enhance the present moment.
Your past doesn’t define you—letting go of these habits not only frees you from old pain but also opens the door to a richer, more fulfilling future.
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