Navigating the waters of grief can be tough. It’s not easy knowing what to say or do when someone is in pain.
Often, we want to comfort and support them, but our words and actions may come off as insensitive instead of supportive.
Being supportive is about providing comfort without inadvertently causing more pain. It requires a certain level of sensitivity and understanding. And the truth is, some habits we think are comforting may actually do more harm than good.
In this article, “If you want to be supportive, avoid these 8 habits when comforting the grieving,” we’ll explore those habits that we need to avoid to genuinely provide comfort. It’s about being there for them, in a way that truly helps.
1) Avoid saying “I know how you feel”
It’s a common instinct to try and empathize with someone who is grieving by saying, “I know how you feel.” But the reality is, everyone’s experience of grief is unique.
Just because you’ve lost a loved one or suffered a similar tragedy doesn’t mean you truly understand their feelings. When you say, “I know how you feel,” it can come off as dismissive of their unique pain.
Instead, try expressing your sympathy in a way that acknowledges their individual experience. A simple, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you,” can be much more comforting.
Remember, support is about acknowledging their feelings, not comparing them to your own. It’s about them, not you. So avoid this habit if you want to truly comfort the grieving.
2) Don’t rush them to “move on”
In my own experience, one of the most difficult aspects of grief was the pressure to “move on.” A few weeks after my father passed away, some people started hinting that it was time for me to get back to “normal.”
While they meant well, it was hurtful. It felt like they were rushing me through my grief, or even worse, implying that I should be “over it” by now.
The reality is, grief has no set timeline. It’s a deeply personal journey that can’t be rushed or forced. It’s important to let the grieving person move at their own pace.
So rather than pushing them to “move on,” try saying, “Take all the time you need. I’m here for you.” It communicates your support without adding any pressure.
3) Avoid the phrase “at least”
The word “at least” is often used in an attempt to find a silver lining in a tragic situation. For instance, “At least they lived a long life,” or “At least they didn’t suffer.”
However, research from Stanford University’s Department of Psychology suggests that trying to put a positive spin on a tragic loss might not be comforting to the person grieving.
In fact, it can come across as minimizing their pain and sadness, making them feel like their grief is not valid or understood. Instead of looking for a silver lining, just acknowledge their grief and let them know that it’s okay to feel sad.
4) Don’t disappear after the funeral
The funeral or memorial service is often a time when support is abundant. But what happens after? Grief doesn’t end with the funeral, and neither should your support.
It’s common for people to feel a profound sense of loneliness once the initial wave of support subsides. This can be an incredibly difficult time for the grieving person.
So, make a conscious effort to reach out in the weeks and months that follow. Whether it’s a simple text message or a coffee date, your continued presence can be a source of great comfort during this painful time. Remember, being supportive means being there for the long haul.
5) Don’t be afraid of their tears
Grief can lead to a lot of tears, and that’s okay. It’s a natural part of the healing process.
When the person you’re comforting starts to cry, it can be tempting to say things like “Don’t cry” or “It’s going to be okay.” But these phrases, while well-intentioned, can unintentionally make them feel like their grief is not allowed.
Instead, let them cry. Hold space for their pain. Be there with them in their sorrow. It may feel uncomfortable, but your willingness to sit with them in their pain can be one of the most supportive things you can do.
Remember, tears are not a sign of weakness. They’re a sign of love, of loss, and of the healing process.
6) Don’t avoid mentioning their loved one
When my best friend lost her brother, I was afraid to mention his name. I thought it would only remind her of her loss and cause her more pain.
But one day, she told me how much she missed hearing stories about him. She said that when people avoided talking about him, it felt like he was being erased.
It was a lesson for me. Our loved ones live on in our memories and stories. So, don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has passed. Share your memories, say their name. It can be a comforting reminder that while they’re gone, they’re not forgotten.
7) Avoid giving unsolicited advice
When someone is grieving, it can be tempting to offer advice or share your own experiences in an attempt to help. But often, what the person really needs is not advice, but understanding and empathy.
Unsolicited advice can come off as though you’re trying to fix their grief, rather than simply being there with them in it. It can feel dismissive and even isolating.
Rather than offering advice, try offering a listening ear. Let them express their feelings without judgment. Often, the most comforting thing you can offer is your presence and understanding.
8) Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers
Supporting someone through grief is not about having all the answers or saying the perfect thing. It’s about showing up for them, listening, and offering comfort in whatever way you can.
Grief is complex and deeply personal. There’s no right or wrong way to navigate it. So, don’t put pressure on yourself to have all the solutions.
Just be there, be genuine, and be kind. Sometimes, that’s more than enough.
Final thoughts: It’s all about empathy
Understanding and supporting someone through grief can be a complex journey. It demands empathy, patience, and genuine concern.
Stephen R. Covey, the author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, once said, “When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air.”
This encapsulates the essence of supporting someone who is grieving. It’s not about having the perfect words or solutions. It’s about giving them space to express their feelings, to cry, to remember, and to heal in their own time.
Simply being there for them, listening with empathy, and avoiding the habits we’ve discussed can make a world of difference.
Grief may be a solitary journey, but no one should have to walk it alone. Your presence and understanding can be the beacon of comfort they need in their darkest hours.
Neuroscientist reveals a new way to manifest more financial abundance
Breakthrough Columbia study confirms the brain region is 250 million years old, the size of a walnut and accessible inside your brain right now.
