There’s a fine line between being kind and being a people-pleaser.
Being kind comes from a place of empathy and understanding, while people-pleasing often stems from a desire for approval, even if it means sacrificing your own needs.
Without realizing it, you may have developed a people-pleasing personality. It’s not always easy to recognize, but certain behaviors can give it away.
In this article, we’ll explore 7 behaviors that could indicate you have a people-pleasing personality. These insights might just change the way you see yourself and interact with others. So, stick with me and let’s dive right in.
1) You frequently apologize
Apologies are essential in certain situations – they mend fences, show empathy, and maintain healthy relationships. But do you find yourself constantly saying “sorry” even when it’s not your fault?
This is a common trait of a people-pleaser. You may be apologizing simply to avoid conflict or keep the peace.
It’s like you’re shouldering the blame, even for things that are clearly out of your control.
Excessive apologizing can also be a sign that you’re overly worried about how others perceive you. You might feel compelled to take responsibility for things just to ensure you’re seen in a good light.
Well, it’s time to put this habit in the bin. Otherwise, you risk diminishing your own self-worth.
As leadership coach Tanya Geisler puts it, “For you to be the fullness of you, you just may have to disappoint some people — and stop saying ‘sorry’ for doing it.”
2) You struggle to say ‘No’
If you’re anything like me, you might find it incredibly tough to turn down requests or favors – even when you’re already overwhelmed.
I remember this one time when I was swamped with deadlines at work, and my friend asked if I could help plan a surprise birthday party. I knew I was stretched thin, but the thought of disappointing her made me very uncomfortable.
So, against my better judgment, I said ‘yes’. And there I was: burning the midnight oil, juggling spreadsheets for work and party decorations, running on coffee fumes.
This tendency to overcommit is a classic sign of a people-pleaser. We often agree to things at the expense of our own time, energy, and mental health, just to avoid disappointing others.
Remember, it’s okay to say ‘no’ when you need to. Protecting your own well-being isn’t selfish – it’s necessary.
3) You lack resilience
Resilience, or mental toughness, is our ability to bounce back from adversity. It’s about being able to endure tough situations and come out the other side stronger. But if you’re a people-pleaser, you might find this challenging.
Why? Because you’re likely spending so much energy pleasing others, you leave little for yourself to cope with hardships.
Your self-worth becomes so entangled with others’ approval that any criticism or rejection may hit harder than it should.
This hit on your resilience can lead to stress, anxiety, and even burnout.
In my book “The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness“, I delve into the importance of resilience and share strategies for building this crucial skill.
One key takeaway? Learning to value your own needs and feelings as much as others’ can help cultivate resilience.
It’s about understanding that it’s okay not to please everyone and that sometimes, putting yourself first isn’t selfish but necessary for your wellbeing.
4) You’re uncomfortable with conflict
Conflict – it’s not something most of us enjoy. The raised voices, the heated arguments, the potential for hurt feelings. It’s easy to see why so many people prefer to avoid it.
In my own life, I’ve found myself going to great lengths to dodge any hint of disagreement or confrontation.
I’d nod along with opinions I didn’t agree with, just to keep the peace. I’d bite my tongue when I felt unheard or misunderstood, afraid that expressing my feelings might stir up an argument.
This fear of conflict is another sign of a people-pleasing personality. We prefer harmony and approval over expressing our true thoughts and feelings, even when it’s detrimental to our well-being or relationships.
Fortunately, I know better now. I now know that disagreement doesn’t have to mean disapproval. This thought has helped me speak up more for myself and stand up for my own opinions.
As Chelsea Kramer Therapy notes:
“Communication DOES NOT EQUAL conflict. Speaking your mind in a respectful way is not conflict. Sharing with your partner in a kind, gentle way that what they said or did hurt your feelings is not conflict. Speaking up for someone in a time of need is not conflict. Communication can become conflict or can be confrontational, but this doesn’t automatically have to be the case.”
5) You’re often praised for being ‘easygoing’
On the surface, being described as ‘easygoing’ seems like a compliment. After all, who wouldn’t want to be known as someone who’s adaptable, laid-back, and stress-free?
But here’s the counter-intuitive part: if you’re constantly praised for being ‘easygoing’, it might be a sign that you’re a people-pleaser.
People-pleasers tend to adapt to what others want or expect, rather than express their own preferences or desires.
The result? You become ‘easygoing’ because you rarely put up resistance or express differing opinions.
While it’s great to be flexible and accommodating, it’s also important to assert your own needs and wants.
So, if you find yourself always being the ‘easygoing’ one, it might be time to ask yourself: are you truly comfortable with this, or are you suppressing your own needs to please others?
6) You feel responsible for others’ feelings
People-pleasers often take on the emotional burdens of those around them. They feel a need to ‘fix’ situations or make people feel better, even when it’s beyond their control.
For example, if a friend is upset, you might feel it’s your job to cheer them up, even if their unhappiness has nothing to do with you. This burden can be heavy and emotionally draining.
Of course, empathy is a wonderful quality. It allows us to connect with others on a deep level and fosters compassion and understanding.
However, there’s a fine line between healthy empathy and constantly feeling responsible for others’ emotions. Once you cross that line, you’re wading into people-pleaser territory.
I can’t emphasize enough the importance of establishing healthier emotional boundaries. While we can offer support and kindness, we are not responsible for how others feel. Their emotions are their own, just as ours belong to us.
7) Your self-worth is tied to others’ approval
This is perhaps the most telling sign of a people-pleasing personality. If your sense of self-worth heavily depends on others’ approval, you’re likely a people-pleaser.
When we base our self-esteem on external validation, we give others control over our happiness. We strive to please them, hoping their approval will make us feel good about ourselves.
This is a precarious position to be in. It leaves us vulnerable to criticism and can lead to a rollercoaster of emotions, dependent on how others perceive us.
Your worth isn’t determined by others. You are valuable for who you are, not for what you do for others. Embrace your unique self and learn to validate yourself – it’s the most liberating thing you can do.
The bottom line
Wanting to make people happy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It demonstrates empathy, consideration, and a desire to make others happy. But when it comes at the expense of your own needs and well-being, it may be time for some introspection.
In my book “The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness“, I delve into strategies for building resilience and assertiveness, skills that can help balance the scales between pleasing others and caring for yourself.
It’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. Your needs matter too. Whether it involves saying ‘no’, expressing your feelings, or stepping back from responsibility for others’ emotions, it’s vital to maintain a healthy balance.
And most importantly, remember this: Your worth is not determined by the approval of others, but by your own acceptance of yourself. Embrace that, and you’ll find a greater sense of happiness and fulfillment.
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