It’s one of those things that’s easy to miss.
You’re having a conversation, you’re engaged, you’re listening—or at least, you think you are.
But something isn’t quite right.
The other person doesn’t seem as open as they could be. The conversation feels a little off, like there’s an invisible barrier between you.
I used to chalk it up to differences in personality or just one of those awkward moments that happen in social interactions. But after paying more attention, I realized there was a pattern—one mistake that even the smartest people (myself included) make all the time without realizing.
And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.
1) You focus too much on being right
It feels good to be right.
When you know your facts, when you’ve thought things through, when you have a solid argument—it’s natural to want to make your point as clearly as possible.
But here’s the problem: conversations aren’t debates.
The more you focus on proving your point, the more the other person feels like they’re being backed into a corner. Instead of feeling heard, they feel like they’re being corrected. Instead of opening up, they shut down.
I used to think that if I just explained something well enough, people would see my perspective. But the harder I pushed my point, the less connected the conversation felt.
It turns out, being right isn’t nearly as important as making the other person feel understood.
2) You listen to respond, not to understand
For a long time, I thought I was a good listener.
I nodded at the right moments, made eye contact, and waited patiently for my turn to speak. But that was exactly the problem—I was waiting for my turn, not truly listening.
I remember a conversation with a close friend who was going through a tough time. She was opening up about something deeply personal, and the whole time, I was formulating advice in my head. The moment she paused, I jumped in with what I thought was helpful insight.
She went quiet for a second before saying, “I don’t need you to fix it. I just need you to hear me.”
That hit me hard. I realized I wasn’t really absorbing what she said—I was filtering it through my own thoughts, preparing my next response instead of actually being present with her words.
It’s easy to think we’re listening when we’re really just waiting to talk.
3) You underestimate the power of silence
Mark Twain once said, “If you have nothing to say, say nothing.”
At first glance, that might sound like an argument for staying quiet. But the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s about something deeper—the value of silence in a conversation.
I used to hate pauses. If there was even a second of quiet, I’d jump in to fill the space, assuming it was my job to keep the conversation flowing. But in doing that, I often cut off moments that could have led to something meaningful.
Not every silence is awkward. Sometimes, it’s the space the other person needs to gather their thoughts, process what’s been said, or find the courage to say something important. When we rush to fill that gap, we take away that opportunity.
Some of the best conversations I’ve had weren’t about what was said—they were about what was allowed to be felt in the quiet moments between words.
4) You mirror words, but not emotions
Human brains are wired to pick up on emotions more than words. In fact, the tone of voice and body language we use often carry more weight than the actual sentences we say.
I used to think that repeating back what someone said was a sign that I was listening. If a friend told me they were stressed about work, I’d say something like, “Yeah, work can be really stressful.” It sounded supportive in my head, but it rarely seemed to make a difference.
Then I started paying attention to how people responded when I matched their emotions instead of just their words. If someone spoke with frustration, I let my tone reflect that frustration. If they sounded defeated, I softened my voice.
That small adjustment changed everything. Conversations felt deeper, people opened up more, and I realized that understanding someone isn’t just about hearing—it’s about feeling what they feel.
5) You assume understanding is the same as agreement
There was a time when I thought that if someone truly understood my point, they would agree with me.
I’d explain my reasoning, lay out my logic, and when they still didn’t see things my way, I’d feel frustrated—like I had somehow failed to communicate properly.
But understanding and agreement are not the same thing. Someone can fully grasp what you’re saying, see your perspective clearly, and still not agree with you. And that’s okay.
The real goal of a conversation isn’t to convince—it’s to connect. The moment I stopped expecting agreement as proof of understanding, my conversations became less about winning and more about actually hearing the other person.
Ironically, that’s when people became far more open to what I had to say.
6) You prioritize logic over connection
Facts are important. Logic is important. But when it comes to real conversations, neither of those things matter as much as we think they do.
I used to believe that if I could present the most rational, well-structured argument, it would naturally lead to a productive discussion. But the more I leaned on logic alone, the more I noticed people pulling away.
That’s because most of us don’t make decisions—or form opinions—based purely on logic. We’re driven by emotions, experiences, and personal values. When someone feels unheard or dismissed emotionally, no amount of rational explanation will bridge that gap.
The best conversations aren’t just about exchanging ideas—they’re about creating a space where both people feel seen. Logic has its place, but connection is what makes people actually want to listen.
7) You expect others to communicate like you do
Everyone has their own way of communicating. Some people process things out loud, talking through their thoughts as they go. Others take longer to respond, needing time to reflect before they speak.
For a long time, I assumed that the way I communicated was the “right” way. If someone was quieter or didn’t respond immediately, I’d take it as disinterest. If they expressed themselves differently than I did, I’d assume they weren’t engaging properly.
But the truth is, people communicate in different rhythms. Some need space to gather their thoughts. Others express themselves through body language more than words. When we expect everyone to converse like we do, we miss what they’re actually saying in their own way.
The best conversations happen when we stop trying to fit people into our style and start paying attention to theirs.
8) You forget that conversations aren’t about you
It’s easy to think of a conversation as a two-player game—your turn, then theirs, back and forth until you reach some kind of resolution.
But the best conversations aren’t about taking turns. They’re about making space.
I used to approach discussions with the mindset of contributing my thoughts, sharing my experiences, and making sure my perspective was understood. What I didn’t realize was how often that shifted the focus back to me, even when I had good intentions.
The most meaningful conversations happen when you stop thinking about what you’re bringing to it and start focusing on what the other person actually needs. Sometimes they need advice.
Sometimes they need reassurance. And sometimes, they just need someone to sit with them in their thoughts without rushing to fill the silence.
When you stop making a conversation about you, that’s when real connection happens.
The bottom line
Conversations aren’t just about words—they’re about connection.
The smartest people can still fall into the trap of focusing on being right, proving a point, or waiting for their turn to speak. But the real power of communication isn’t in how well you articulate your thoughts—it’s in how well you make others feel heard.
Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.” That’s the kind of listening that deepens relationships and builds trust.
Start paying attention to how you engage in conversations. Notice when you’re listening to respond instead of listening to understand. Notice when you’re filling silence instead of letting it breathe. Notice when you’re making it about your perspective instead of theirs.
Small shifts make all the difference. The moment someone feels truly understood is the moment a conversation stops being just words and becomes something meaningful.
