We all crave friendships that offer support, respect, and a sense of belonging. But sometimes, we find ourselves tangled up in friendships that do quite the opposite.
Such friendships, often referred to as toxic, can leave us feeling inadequate, guilty, and downright lousy about ourselves. They can be hard to spot at first, but over time, the damaging patterns become more evident.
In toxic friendships, you may find your friend is overly critical, controlling or even emotionally abusive – leaving you feeling more worn out than uplifted after your interactions.
As a guide to help you navigate these tricky waters, this article will highlight 9 red flags that psychologists say indicate a toxic friendship.
1) They belittle
Belittling can often be disguised as “banter” or “just a joke”, but over time, it can really chip away at your self-esteem. It’s a classic sign of a toxic friendship.
You might find that your friend frequently makes fun of you, your ideas, or your achievements under the veil of humor. They might pass off demeaning comments or remark on your shortcomings, always ready with a dismissive laugh to play it down.
This behavior may happen so subtly and gradually that it becomes hard to pinpoint. Yet, you end up feeling small and insignificant after every interaction.
Psychologists warn that such consistent belittling can be a form of emotional abuse, slowly eroding your self-worth and confidence. So take note if your friend often leaves you feeling less than, even if they say they’re “just joking”.
2) They dominate
In a balanced friendship, there’s a mutual exchange of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. But in a toxic friendship, your friend may always want to take center stage.
You might notice that conversations always revolve around them – their problems, their achievements, their interests. Maybe they interrupt you when you try to share, quickly steering the conversation back to themselves.
You may feel unheard, unseen, and unimportant. This is an aspect of narcissistic behavior where the person lacks empathy and has an inflated sense of their own importance.
In healthy friendships, both parties should feel valued and heard. If that’s not the case and you’re left feeling like an audience rather than a participant, it’s a red flag that you might be in a toxic friendship.
3) They’re overly supportive
While it might seem odd, being too supportive can be a red flag in a friendship. If your friend is constantly showering you with compliments and praise, it may not be as positive as it seems.
You may notice that they never challenge you or provide constructive criticism, even when you need it. They may always agree with you and back all your decisions, even the questionable ones.
Although it feels good to have someone in your corner, this level of constant approval can be unhealthy. It might mean they’re not genuinely invested in your personal growth.
A true friend will support you, but they’ll also tell you when you’re wrong or when you could do better. If this isn’t happening, it could be a sign of a toxic friendship.
4) They’re inconsistent
One minute they’re your best friend, the next they’re giving you the cold shoulder. This inconsistency can leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what version of your friend you’ll get.
You may notice that their mood towards you swings drastically, seemingly without reason. One day they’re all over you, showering you with affection and attention. The next, they’re distant and dismissive, leaving you confused and hurt.
This constant up-and-down can be emotionally exhausting. It’s not your job to try to decode their behavior or to constantly work to keep the peace.
Friendships should provide a sense of security and consistency, not continuous anxiety about where you stand. If your friend is constantly flipping between extremes, it’s a definite red flag.
5) They take more than they give
Friendship is about give and take. But in a toxic friendship, you might find that you’re always the one giving, and they’re always on the receiving end.
You might be the one always lending an ear, offering advice, or providing support, but when you need someone to lean on, they’re nowhere to be found.
Perhaps they always turn to you in times of need, but when you’re going through a tough time, they’re suddenly too busy or dismiss your problems as insignificant.
This one-sided dynamic can leave you feeling drained and undervalued. It’s important to remember that your feelings matter too, and a true friend will be there for you just as much as you’re there for them. If this balance is missing, it might be a sign of a toxic friendship.
6) They’re always in competition with you
Friendship isn’t a race, but in a toxic friendship, it can often feel like one. Your friend might always seem to be in competition with you, trying to outdo you at every turn.
Maybe they always have a better story to share, a bigger problem to deal with, or a more impressive achievement to boast about. Every time you share something about yourself, they feel the need to go one-up.
This constant competition can make you feel like you’re constantly being compared and judged. Instead of feeling happy for your successes, you might find yourself dreading their reaction.
Healthy friendships should be about celebrating each other’s achievements, not trying to outshine them. If your friend can’t seem to let you have your moment without making it about them, it’s a red flag that you might be in a toxic friendship.
7) They’re a drama magnet
We all have a friend who seems to attract drama like a moth to a flame. While it can be entertaining at times, it’s not so fun when it starts to affect your own peace of mind.
You might find that your friend is always in the middle of some crisis or argument. Or perhaps they seem to thrive on gossip and stirring the pot, creating problems where there are none.
While everyone has their moments, if your friend consistently brings drama into your life, it might be time to take a step back.
After all, friendships should add joy and peace to your life, not constant stress and unnecessary conflicts. If you find yourself regularly caught up in your friend’s drama, it’s a sign you might be in a toxic friendship.
8) They’re not happy for your success
A true friend celebrates your victories, no matter how big or small. But in a toxic friendship, your successes might be met with jealousy or dismissiveness.
Perhaps they downplay your achievements or try to overshadow them with their own. Or maybe they seem uninterested or even annoyed when you share good news.
This lack of support can be hurtful and discouraging. You deserve a friend who’s genuinely happy for you and who cheers you on every step of the way.
If your friend can’t celebrate your success without making it about them or trying to bring you down, it’s a clear sign that the friendship is toxic. And honestly? You deserve better.
9) You feel drained after spending time with them
Above all, this is the sign you should never ignore. Friendships should bring joy, comfort, and a sense of belonging. If you consistently feel drained, stressed, or unhappy after spending time with a friend, it’s a major red flag.
Maybe you feel like you’re always on guard around them, or you’re exhausted from their negativity or constant need for attention. Maybe you dread seeing their name pop up on your phone.
Trust your gut. If a friendship consistently leaves you feeling worse off, it’s not healthy. It’s okay to distance yourself from people who bring more stress than joy into your life.
Remember: You deserve friendships that lift you up, not drag you down. If a friend is doing more harm than good, it may be time to reassess that relationship.
So, you’ve spotted the red flags — what now?
If you’ve recognized a few (or all) of these signs in your friendship, it can be an unsettling realization. It’s tough to accept that a relationship that’s supposed to bring you joy is actually causing you pain.
But as renowned psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, “A toxic friendship can be a drain on your mental resources. It’s like being in a leaky boat — you’re always trying to stay afloat, but the water keeps coming in.”
She adds, “Remember, you have the right to choose who you spend time with and how you spend your time. You are under no obligation to maintain a friendship that is unhealthy.”
This isn’t about blaming or villainizing your friend. It’s about recognizing patterns that harm your well-being and taking steps towards healthier relationships.
If a friendship is consistently bringing you down, it might be time for some tough conversations or decisions. That could mean setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or in some cases, parting ways.
As you reflect on these red flags and what they mean for your friendship, remember: You deserve relationships that bring joy, respect, and mutual support. Don’t settle for less.
This article isn’t meant to diagnose or label your friend as toxic but to help you recognize patterns that may harm your well-being. One or two of these signs don’t necessarily mean you’re in a toxic friendship. But they’re certainly worth reflecting on.
After all, you’re worth far more than a toxic friendship.
