Standing up for yourself isn’t always easy. Some people seem to do it naturally, while others struggle to speak up, set boundaries, or say no when they need to.
A lot of this traces back to childhood. The way we were raised, the experiences we had, and the messages we received growing up all shape how we handle conflict and assert ourselves as adults.
If you find it hard to be assertive, there’s a good chance your childhood played a role. Here are eight childhood experiences that often lead to struggles with standing up for yourself later in life.
1) growing up in a household where saying “no” wasn’t an option
Some kids grow up in environments where saying “no” is seen as disrespectful or unacceptable. They’re expected to obey without question, always do as they’re told, and never push back.
Over time, this teaches them that their opinions, needs, and boundaries don’t matter—or worse, that expressing them will lead to punishment or rejection.
As adults, they may struggle to assert themselves because deep down, they’ve been conditioned to believe that standing up for themselves is wrong or unsafe. Instead of saying what they really feel, they stay quiet, go along with what others want, and avoid conflict at all costs.
2) being praised for being “easygoing” and never causing trouble
Growing up, I was always the “good kid.” I never made a fuss, never argued, and always went along with what others wanted. The adults around me praised me for being so easygoing, and I learned that staying quiet and agreeable was the best way to be liked.
It wasn’t until adulthood that I realized this had a downside. I struggled to speak up for myself, even in situations where I really should have. Saying “no” felt uncomfortable, and standing up for what I wanted made me feel guilty—like I was being difficult or selfish.
Looking back, I see how much of this came from the messages I received as a child. When you’re constantly rewarded for being agreeable, you start to believe that your value comes from making life easier for others, rather than expressing your own needs.
3) having parents who made decisions for you
Some parents, often with good intentions, make every decision for their child—what they wear, what they eat, who they befriend, and how they spend their time. While structure and guidance are important, children also need opportunities to develop their own sense of choice and independence.
When kids aren’t given the chance to make decisions, they don’t get to practice advocating for themselves. Over time, this can lead to a habit of deferring to others, doubting their own judgment, and feeling uncomfortable asserting their preferences.
Research has shown that people who grow up with over-controlling parents are more likely to struggle with self-confidence and decision-making as adults. Without early experiences of making choices and standing by them, it becomes much harder to do so later in life.
4) being taught that other people’s feelings matter more than yours
In some households, children are raised to prioritize the emotions of others above their own. They learn that keeping the peace is more important than expressing their true thoughts or feelings.
This often happens when kids are told things like, “Don’t upset your parents,” or “Be nice, even if you don’t feel like it.” Over time, they internalize the idea that their own needs should take a backseat to avoid making others uncomfortable.
As adults, this can make it incredibly difficult to be assertive. They may feel guilty for setting boundaries or worry that standing up for themselves will disappoint or anger others. Instead of advocating for what they want, they default to pleasing everyone else—often at their own expense.
5) growing up in an environment where conflict felt unsafe
For some people, standing up for themselves isn’t just uncomfortable—it feels dangerous. If they grew up in a home where disagreements led to yelling, punishment, or even emotional or physical harm, they likely learned that speaking up comes with consequences.
When a child associates conflict with fear, they often develop a deep instinct to avoid it at all costs. They might stay silent even when something bothers them, let others take advantage of them, or struggle to express their needs in relationships.
No one should have to feel afraid to use their voice. But when conflict was once a source of pain, learning to be assertive as an adult can feel like an uphill battle—one that requires unlearning years of self-protection just to feel safe being heard.
6) receiving love and approval only when you pleased others
When love feels conditional—only given when you behave a certain way—it shapes the way you see yourself. If approval was tied to being helpful, agreeable, or putting others first, then standing up for yourself starts to feel like a risk.
Saying “no” could mean disappointing someone. Expressing a different opinion might make you feel unlikable. Over time, your own needs start to feel less important than keeping the people around you happy.
This kind of conditioning runs deep. Even as an adult, there can be a lingering fear that setting boundaries or speaking your mind will lead to rejection. And when your worth has always felt tied to how much you accommodate others, asserting yourself can feel like losing the very thing that made you valuable in the first place.
7) being told you were “too sensitive” when you expressed emotions
When children express their feelings and are met with dismissal—being told they’re “too sensitive,” “too emotional,” or that they’re overreacting—they start to question whether their emotions are valid at all.
Over time, this can lead to a habit of suppressing feelings instead of expressing them. If speaking up resulted in being mocked, ignored, or made to feel like a burden, it’s no surprise that asserting oneself becomes difficult later in life.
As adults, these individuals may struggle to communicate their needs because deep down, they fear they’ll be dismissed or ridiculed, just like before. Instead of pushing back or standing firm, they stay quiet, convincing themselves that what they feel doesn’t really matter.
8) never being taught that your needs are just as important as everyone else’s
Some children grow up constantly adjusting to the needs of others—parents, siblings, teachers—without ever being shown that their own needs matter just as much. They learn to accommodate, to be flexible, to put themselves second.
But when no one teaches you that your feelings, boundaries, and desires are just as valid as anyone else’s, you carry that belief into adulthood. You hesitate to speak up, you shrink yourself to make others comfortable, and you struggle to claim space in your own life.
Being assertive isn’t about demanding more than others—it’s about knowing that you were never meant to have less.
bottom line: unlearning takes time
The ability to stand up for yourself isn’t just about confidence—it’s about undoing years of conditioning that taught you to stay small, stay quiet, or put others first.
Psychologists have long studied how childhood experiences shape adult behavior, and research suggests that early environments play a significant role in how we develop self-advocacy skills. When certain patterns are ingrained from a young age, they can feel almost impossible to break.
But they aren’t.
Unlearning these habits takes time, patience, and self-compassion. It starts with recognizing where these struggles come from—not as a way to place blame, but as a step toward understanding yourself better. Because once you see the patterns, you have the power to change them.
