Some people seem amazing when they’re in a group. They’re charming, kind, and easy to get along with. Everyone loves them.
But behind closed doors, it’s a different story. They become controlling, hurtful, and even toxic. It can be confusing—how can someone be so great around others but so difficult in private?
The truth is, there are certain traits these people tend to have. And once you recognize them, it becomes easier to see through their act.
Here are eight traits that people like this often display.
1) they put on a show for others
In public, they seem like the perfect friend, partner, or coworker. They’re warm, funny, and always say the right things. People admire them and often talk about how great they are.
But behind closed doors, it’s a different story. Their kindness disappears, replaced by control, criticism, or even cruelty. They don’t feel the need to keep up the act when no one else is watching.
This is one of the biggest red flags—someone who treats people one way in public but completely differently in private. If you notice this pattern, it’s worth paying attention to.
2) they make you question yourself
I used to have a friend who was amazing when we were out with others. She was supportive, funny, and always hyping me up. People would tell me how lucky I was to have such a good friend.
But when it was just the two of us, things were different. She would subtly put me down, question my choices, and make me feel like I was always in the wrong. If I ever brought up something she did that hurt me, she’d twist the story until I started doubting myself.
Looking back, I realize she was gaslighting me—making me question my own thoughts and feelings so she could stay in control. If someone makes you feel unsure of yourself when no one else is around, but acts completely different in public, that’s a huge red flag.
3) they never take responsibility
When something goes wrong, it’s never their fault. They always have an excuse, someone else to blame, or a way to twist the situation so they come out looking innocent. Even when they clearly messed up, they’ll find a way to shift the blame.
What’s even more frustrating is that in public, they might seem humble and accountable. They’ll joke about small mistakes or act like they can take criticism well. But in private, it’s a different story. Confronting them about their actions often leads to defensiveness, denial, or even turning the blame back on you.
People like this don’t see accountability as a chance to grow—they see it as a threat to their image. And protecting that image is more important to them than being honest.
4) they use guilt to control you
Instead of asking directly for what they want, they make you feel guilty until you give in. They’ll remind you of everything they’ve done for you, act hurt when you set boundaries, or make it seem like you’re being selfish for prioritizing yourself.
In public, they might seem generous and selfless, always doing things for others. But in private, their kindness often comes with strings attached. If you don’t do what they want, they’ll make sure you feel bad about it.
Over time, this kind of guilt-tripping can make you second-guess yourself and go along with things just to avoid feeling bad. But real kindness doesn’t come with conditions, and love isn’t something that should be used as a bargaining tool.
5) they make you feel alone
A healthy relationship—whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, or even a family bond—should make you feel supported and connected. But people like this do the opposite. Instead of lifting you up, they slowly isolate you.
It might start subtly. They discourage you from spending time with certain people, make negative comments about your loved ones, or act hurt when you choose to be with someone else. Over time, you may find yourself drifting away from the people who once made you feel safe.
The worst part is that it doesn’t always feel like isolation at first—it can feel like love, attention, or protection. But real love doesn’t cut you off from others. It doesn’t make you feel like you have no one else to turn to. If someone makes you feel more alone than supported, it’s worth asking yourself why.
6) they invalidate your feelings
Any time you express hurt, frustration, or disappointment, they brush it off. They tell you you’re being too sensitive, overreacting, or taking things the wrong way. Instead of listening and trying to understand, they make you feel like your emotions don’t matter.
After a while, you stop bringing things up. You start questioning whether your feelings are valid at all. You convince yourself that maybe you *are* being too sensitive, that maybe it’s not a big deal. But deep down, the hurt doesn’t go away—it just gets buried.
Feeling heard and understood is a basic need in any relationship. If someone constantly makes you feel like your emotions are an inconvenience or something to be dismissed, it’s not because you’re overreacting. It’s because they don’t want to take responsibility for how their actions affect you.
7) they turn everything into a competition
At first, it might seem like harmless banter. They always have a better story, a bigger achievement, or a worse struggle. No matter what you share, they find a way to one-up you.
But over time, it starts to feel less like a friendship or relationship and more like a constant competition. Instead of celebrating your wins, they downplay them or shift the focus back to themselves. Instead of supporting you during hard times, they make sure you know they’ve had it worse.
Relationships aren’t supposed to feel like a scoreboard. If someone always needs to be ahead—whether in success or suffering—it’s not about connection. It’s about control.
8) they make you doubt your worth
Little by little, they chip away at your confidence. A comment here, a joke at your expense there. They act like they’re just teasing, just being honest, just trying to help. But over time, you start seeing yourself through their eyes—never good enough, never quite right.
You find yourself working harder for their approval, trying to prove your value. You second-guess your decisions, question your abilities, and wonder if maybe they’re right about you.
But they’re not. The problem was never you.
bottom line: if it feels off, trust it
The way someone treats you when no one else is watching says more about them than how they act in public. Charm, kindness, and generosity can all be performed—but real respect and care are consistent, no matter the audience.
Psychologists have long studied the effects of manipulative and controlling behavior in relationships. Research shows that prolonged exposure to emotional manipulation can lead to increased anxiety, lower self-esteem, and even symptoms of trauma. It’s not just “difficult behavior”—it has real consequences.
If something feels off, trust that feeling. You don’t need endless proof or validation from others to know when someone isn’t treating you right. Pay attention to the patterns, not just the moments. And most importantly, remember that you deserve relationships where kindness isn’t just a performance—it’s real.
