I’ve seen it happen in my own life more times than I’d like to admit.
An old colleague emerges from the digital ether with a friendly message—everything starts off with a cheerful “Hey, how have you been?” and before I know it, they’re asking for something. Maybe they want a reference, a connection, or even a small loan.
Once I hand over whatever they came for, they vanish. It’s a pattern that can leave you feeling used, confused, and a bit cynical. Over the years, I’ve learned to recognize certain clues, little flares that go off in my head, signaling that this person might only be nice to me when they want something.
Below, I’m sharing nine of those red flags. My hope is that by the end of this article, you’ll have a clearer sense of when someone’s warmth is genuine—and when it’s fueled by pure self-interest.
1. They only call or text when they’re in a jam
In my experience, a huge giveaway is when you hear from someone exclusively in moments of crisis. They’ll message you with an out-of-the-blue greeting and quickly pivot to their problem: “Hey, how’s it going? Listen, I’m in a bind and was wondering if you could…”
It’s a classic behavior. If you notice they never pop up just to see how you are—no birthday wishes, no random check-ins—then there’s a good chance they’re not looking for a real friendship.
I’ve tried giving people the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe they’re just busy. But too often, the pattern repeats. Once their crisis is solved, they go dark.
While it’s normal for friends to seek help in hard times, it’s not normal if that’s the only time you ever hear from them.
2. The focus is always on what you can do for them
If you’ve ever had a conversation that seems like one long list of their needs—“I need a reference,” “Can you hook me up with that person you know?” “I could really use your workspace,”—it might indicate a one-sided dynamic.
Rather than a genuine “How are things in your life?,” the exchange feels transactional.
I’ve touched on this idea before in an earlier post about balancing give-and-take in relationships. Authentic friendships and partnerships have a certain reciprocity, even if it’s not perfectly measured.
But if you find that your interactions revolve solely around the other person’s needs, you’re in red flag territory.
3. They vanish once they get what they came for
I’ve personally felt the sting of this one. After spending hours helping someone polish their résumé or connect them to a valuable contact, I expected at least a short conversation to wrap things up. But instead, I got radio silence.
That sudden ghosting as soon as they’ve achieved their goal might be one of the clearest signs they were only nice because it served them. It’s a harsh wake-up call, but it can also empower you to reassess how much time and energy you invest in such individuals moving forward.
A thought shared by James Clear resonates here: “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” His perspective reminds me that we should create personal systems—boundaries, habits, and discernment—that protect us from repeatedly falling into lopsided relationships.
4. They show little genuine interest in your life
Whenever I run into people who treat my stories, successes, or struggles as footnotes in their agenda, I know something’s off. They’ll nod along politely but quickly shift the topic back to themselves.
Genuine friends—and even professional acquaintances who respect you—will show interest in what’s going on in your world. They’ll ask follow-up questions or remember something you mentioned days or weeks ago.
The crew at Verywell Mind sheds light on this, noting that manipulative behavior often involves feigned empathy to get what they want. If the empathy disappears the moment your life comes into focus, that’s another indicator you might be dealing with someone who’s only nice out of convenience.
5. They don’t reciprocate support when you need it
Reciprocity isn’t a score-keeping game, but it’s also not a one-way street.
I’ve been in situations where I’ve poured emotional or practical support into someone, only to find them mysteriously unavailable when I’m the one who could use a helping hand.
Whether it’s failing to return a favor, dismissing your problems, or skipping out when you need a sounding board, this lack of mutual support is a strong sign they’re not genuinely invested in you.
In healthy relationships—be they friendships, family ties, or professional alliances—both individuals pitch in as needed. There’s an ebb and flow, a natural willingness to help. When it’s always you extending the lifeline and the other person nowhere in sight during your struggles, that’s a significant red flag.
6. They push your boundaries or make you feel guilty for setting limits
As soon as I started setting boundaries—like saying “No, I can’t do that right now” or “Let’s reschedule for next week”—I noticed how some people responded.
Genuine connections might express disappointment but respect your limits. Self-serving individuals, on the other hand, might react with anger, manipulation, or guilt-trips.
Brené Brown highlights in her work on boundaries that “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
If someone becomes irritable or blatantly dismissive of your right to say no, it’s a clear clue they value what you can do for them above your well-being. That’s not genuine kindness; that’s opportunism.
7. They get defensive if you bring up any concerns about one-sidedness
I’ve learned that honest communication is the best test for a relationship’s authenticity. If I feel a dynamic is lopsided, I try to address it calmly: “I’ve noticed I’m the one who always reaches out or helps. It makes me feel used.”
You’d be surprised how revealing this conversation can be. Sometimes, the other person will genuinely apologize, unaware of their behavior, and try to do better.
But if they lash out, deny everything, or flip the script to make you feel like you’re the one overreacting, it’s a solid indication that they don’t have your best interests at heart.
In my own life, I had a friend who reacted with such hostility that it became crystal clear our relationship was based on convenience, not mutual respect.
8. They minimize or dismiss your own struggles
When someone is only nice to get something, they often lack genuine empathy. They might offer a quick, hollow “That sucks” if you share a tough experience, but they won’t ask follow-up questions or stick around to see how you’re coping.
Worse yet, they might compare your situation to others, implying you shouldn’t be upset or that you’re being dramatic.
I once opened up to a colleague about a stressful family issue, only to hear, “Yeah, but it could be worse. Anyway, can you connect me with your real-estate agent friend?” That abrupt shift told me exactly where I stood in that person’s eyes.
Real friends, or even decent acquaintances, validate your feelings to some extent. They don’t brush them off like an afterthought.
9. Your instincts scream that something is off
It took me a while to trust my gut, but one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that intuition is rarely wrong. If you feel like a relationship is off—maybe it’s the tone of their voice, or the fact that they consistently show up only when they stand to benefit—honor that feeling.
In the words of Seth Godin, “Trust your instinct to spot true friends… or people posing as them.”
When you listen to your internal alerts, you’ll pick up on subtle cues—forced laughter, rushed transitions, or that awkward pivot toward a request.
Don’t disregard these observations. They’re often your mind’s way of protecting you from emotional or even financial exploitation.
Protecting your peace
Being on the receiving end of someone’s opportunistic kindness can leave you drained and questioning your own judgment.
But once you recognize the telltale signs—like those nine red flags—it becomes much easier to stand your ground. For me, setting firmer boundaries, openly addressing concerns about balance, and trusting my gut have all been game-changers in safeguarding my peace.
Remember that healthy relationships—whether they’re casual, professional, or deeply personal—thrive on mutual respect and genuine care. They don’t revolve around one person constantly extracting resources from the other.
If you’re noticing these red flags, it might be time for a difficult conversation or even a graceful exit from the connection. I’ve found that the energy and time I used to spend on people who only wanted something from me were better invested in those who show up consistently, in both good times and bad.
Here’s to your next step forward.
