We all love that feeling of being comfortable in our own skin, right? Yet, sometimes our confidence takes a dip without us even noticing.
As a practicing psychologist—and a mom who’s had her fair share of juggling everything from crayon catastrophes to therapy sessions—I’ve seen firsthand how subtle habits can quietly erode our sense of self-worth.
One moment you’re feeling on top of the world, and the next you’re doubting whether you’re even cut out for the life you desire.
If you’ve been feeling a little “off” about your self-esteem lately, it might be time to zoom in on the small, everyday behaviors that chip away at your confidence. Let’s dig into seven sneaky habits that can do just that.
1. Negative self-talk
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”
That’s a famous quote by Brené Brown, and every time I read it, I’m reminded of how powerful our inner dialogue can be.
Negative self-talk can be so habitual that we don’t even recognize it’s happening. It often shows up in the form of silent criticisms—telling yourself you’re “too slow,” “not smart enough,” or “always messing up.”
In my own practice, I’ve met countless people who assume that berating themselves will somehow push them to do better.
The truth? The more you tear yourself down, the less motivated and confident you become. Instead of improving your performance or resilience, this mindset usually leads to stress, self-doubt, and even anxiety.
Of course, changing how you talk to yourself isn’t simple. It takes practice to catch that critical voice in action and replace it with a kinder one.
One trick is to ask, “Would I say this to a close friend?” If the answer is a resounding “no,” then it’s time to rephrase.
Encourage yourself with statements like, “I’m growing, and mistakes are part of the process,” or, “I’m allowed to learn and improve.” Over time, you’ll notice a measurable shift in how you see yourself.
2. Constant comparison
I once heard Susan Cain, author of Quiet, point out that we live in a world that often glorifies the loudest, most outgoing voices.
While she was referring to introverts, I’ve seen the same phenomenon spill into our sense of self-confidence. Think about how often you scroll through social media and compare your life to the highlight reels of everyone else. It’s nearly impossible not to fall into that trap.
Maybe you see someone who seems to have the perfect family, dream job, or immaculate home, and suddenly you feel inadequate. But those posts rarely tell the full story. This habit of constant comparison can quickly sour your mood and foster an “I’m never enough” mentality.
Try to remember: your journey is just that—yours. Measure your progress by your own goals and values, not by how you stack up against others.
Personally, I limit my social media scroll time and focus on following people and pages that uplift me or offer genuine inspiration rather than feeding any negative comparisons. If you notice that a particular account always leaves you feeling worse about yourself, consider muting or unfollowing it.
3. Apologizing too often
Ever catch yourself saying “sorry” for things that aren’t remotely your fault?
You bump into a chair and apologize to it… or someone else is late for a meeting, and you find yourself apologizing for “taking up their time.”
This reflex to over-apologize can slowly chip away at your self-confidence. When you apologize excessively, you broadcast that you’re somehow “in the wrong” by default.
I noticed my own over-apologizing when my kids started echoing it—saying “sorry” for the littlest things that didn’t warrant an apology. It made me realize how easily this habit rubs off on others, especially children.
To break the cycle, try swapping apologies for gratitude or simple statements of fact. Instead of, “I’m sorry for talking so much,” say, “Thanks for listening to me.” Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” you can say, “Thanks for waiting.”
Small changes in language add up. Over time, you’ll not only speak differently but start to feel differently, too. Your words affect the way you see yourself, so guard them carefully.
4. Minimizing your achievements
Here’s a quick question: Do you ever brush off compliments with a wave of your hand and phrases like, “Oh, it was nothing”?
I certainly used to. Early in my career, I’d downplay every success, whether it was a well-received workshop or a patient’s breakthrough. I told myself I was staying humble. But in reality, I was training my mind to believe my efforts—and by extension, I—wasn’t worthy of recognition.
It might seem harmless on the surface, but dismissing compliments can feed into a deeper lack of self-worth. People might think, “If she doesn’t believe in her accomplishment, why should I?” Accepting praise isn’t about bragging; it’s about acknowledging your work and your growth.
Next time someone acknowledges something you did well, try simply saying, “Thank you.” Pause, let their words sink in, and resist the urge to undermine yourself. Embracing your achievements is a subtle but powerful way to build confidence.
5. Seeking validation in all the wrong places
I once shared in another post how easy it is to look outward for validation instead of developing a stable sense of self-worth from within. (You might have read my post on setting internal versus external benchmarks for success!)
The habit of constantly checking others’ reactions—whether it’s the number of likes on a social media post or the tone of someone’s text message—can be a massive confidence killer.
Sure, external praise can feel good. But relying on it puts your sense of value in someone else’s hands. When that validation isn’t forthcoming or falls short of your expectations, your self-esteem can take a hit. The real work is in learning to anchor your confidence to your own sense of who you are and what you do.
Consider an internal check-in each day: What did I accomplish that I feel proud of? Did I treat someone with kindness? Did I push through an obstacle? Even these small reflections help reinforce that your worth doesn’t hinge on another person’s opinion or reaction.
6. Avoiding challenges and risks
Daniel Goleman, the psychologist famous for his work on emotional intelligence, has pointed out that part of being emotionally intelligent is stepping out of your comfort zone to foster growth.
If you regularly stick to what feels “safe,” you never get to flex that confidence muscle. Over time, it weakens.
Avoidance can manifest in a million ways—skipping an important networking event, declining a new project at work because you’re worried about failing, or never trying that pottery class you’ve been eyeing. From the outside, it feels like you’re protecting yourself, but in reality, you’re denying yourself the chance to prove what you’re capable of.
Failure might be a possibility, but it’s also the fastest way to learn and grow.
I’ll never forget my first big speaking gig: my knees shook the whole time, and I nearly canceled twice. Yet, getting through it—nerves and all—lit a spark of confidence I wouldn’t have gained otherwise. Even if I had stumbled in front of the crowd, I would have learned something invaluable.
So, the next time an opportunity that scares you crosses your path, consider giving it a go. It might be scary in the moment, but your future self will thank you for the bravery.
7. Internalizing toxic feedback
Finally, let’s talk about what happens when you let hurtful or unwarranted criticism define how you feel about yourself.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of negative feedback—maybe a toxic boss who never seemed satisfied or an acquaintance who subtly picks at your choices. The issue arises when you internalize these opinions to the point that they color your self-view.
Jordan Peterson, in his book 12 Rules for Life, discusses how we often let negative experiences shape our identity. While constructive criticism is important for growth, toxic or manipulative feedback can be downright destructive if you let it sink in unchecked.
So what do you do when someone dumps negativity on you?
First, pause and ask if it’s actually constructive. If there’s a kernel of truth, decide how you can use it to become better. If it’s just mean-spirited or irrelevant, let it roll off.
Remember, you have control over which opinions you carry around and which ones you release. Setting healthy boundaries with people who persistently tear you down—be it a boss, friend, or family member—can do wonders for your self-confidence.
The bottom line
Each of these seemingly small habits can slowly chip away at your self-confidence until you’re left wondering where it all went. The good news is that recognizing the problem is the first step to turning it around. Self-awareness is like shining a spotlight on the unhelpful patterns we didn’t even know were there.
Here at Blog Herald, we’re big fans of digging into everyday habits to see how they affect our mental well-being. So give yourself a little grace as you set out to tackle these seven traps—habit by habit, moment by moment. With consistent effort, you’ll discover a more grounded, resilient sense of self emerging.
At the end of the day, the key is progress, not perfection. Small wins, like accepting a compliment or catching yourself before you compare your life to someone else’s curated social feed, add up.
Before you know it, you’ll find that you stand a little taller, speak a little clearer, and face life’s challenges with more resolve. And trust me, that boost in confidence is well worth the effort.
