I’ve often found myself reflecting on how my own parents, and the parents of many people I’ve worked with in my practice, handled emotions and conflict. It seems that much of what felt perfectly “normal” growing up turned out to be ways our parents were steering clear of tough emotional work.
And while every generation has its blind spots, boomer parents have a reputation for a certain emotional reserve—often avoiding vulnerability in favor of keeping the peace or maintaining an image of strength.
Before I dive into the nitty-gritty, I want to be clear: this isn’t about pointing fingers or placing blame on an entire generation. No parent is perfect. Most do the best they can with the tools they have. It’s just that sometimes, those well-meaning strategies end up coming across as dismissive, emotionally distant, or downright avoidant.
My hope is that by examining these patterns, we can learn from them and build more emotionally healthy relationships—whether it’s with our own children, friends, or family.
1. They rarely talked about feelings
Did you ever hear the phrase “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about”? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us grew up in households where emotions, especially negative ones, were either glossed over or outright shut down.
Boomer parents often believed in presenting a stiff upper lip and keeping the harder feelings hidden, especially in front of the kids.
But here’s what I’ve seen in my work: ignoring emotions doesn’t make them disappear. Instead, it teaches children (and then the adults they become) to hide what they really feel.
Daniel J. Siegel, a renowned expert on child development, often notes that acknowledging a child’s emotions is the first step toward helping them develop a healthy relationship with their inner world.
When parents skipped these conversations—perhaps believing they were protecting their kids—they may have unintentionally sent the message that feelings are scary, shameful, or just not worth discussing.
Does this mean you should spill every emotion you have in front of your own children? Of course not. But it does mean there’s value in showing kids that feelings are natural and worth talking about. Simply saying, “I notice you seem sad. Let’s chat about it,” can go a long way in ensuring they understand it’s safe to express themselves.
2. They relied on “tough love”
“Tough love” is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot. It often involves strict discipline, high expectations, and an emphasis on self-reliance from a young age. In moderation, structure and accountability can be beneficial.
However, some boomer parents took “tough love” to the point where empathy and emotional nurturing were seen as weaknesses.
I remember a client once telling me she was sent away to summer camp immediately after her parents’ divorce. She didn’t get an explanation, no heart-to-heart, just a pat on the back and a “You’ll be fine.” She was left feeling confused and alone at a time when she needed emotional support.
In her parents’ eyes, they were teaching her to cope independently. From her perspective, it felt like abandonment.
As researcher Brené Brown has famously said: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”
If we shield children from vulnerability and only give them the “tough” side of love, we’re missing an entire range of experiences and connections. Yes, resilience is important, but it’s also crucial to balance high expectations with emotional presence and support.
3. They swept issues under the rug
Another common avoidant strategy was the refusal to talk about family issues: maybe there was an uncle struggling with addiction, a sibling dealing with mental health challenges, or marital conflicts that brewed beneath the surface. The boomer approach often was: “We don’t discuss that—especially not in front of the kids.”
On the surface, this might have seemed like a way to protect children from adult problems. But what really happened was that kids sensed something was off, saw the tension, and learned that uncomfortable topics were taboo.
This often led to confusion, shame, or even guilt—because children tend to blame themselves if they feel excluded from big family secrets.
Carl Rogers, a pioneer in humanistic psychology, emphasized the importance of authenticity in relationships. When family members consistently hide real issues, authenticity goes out the window. It’s impossible to build genuine trust if you’re pretending problems don’t exist.
I’ve heard from many adults who said they felt like they were walking on eggshells as kids, always waiting for something explosive to happen because the family was tiptoeing around “forbidden” topics.
Would transparency have solved every problem? Not necessarily. But acknowledging reality and discussing it in an age-appropriate manner can help children develop healthier coping strategies and a stronger sense of security.
4. They avoided conflict (or used the silent treatment)
Some boomer parents, eager to keep the peace, took conflict avoidance to the next level. Instead of openly arguing—or even having a calm discussion—they’d quickly drop the subject, change the channel, or pretend everything was “fine, fine, fine.”
Alternatively, if tension did bubble up, the silent treatment could follow, leaving children to wonder if they’d done something terribly wrong.
Conflict in itself isn’t bad. In fact, John Gottman, a leading expert on marriage and relationships, has stated that how couples (or parents and kids) handle conflict can actually strengthen their bond if done productively.
Conflict can be an opportunity to learn each other’s boundaries, desires, and perspectives. But when conflict is constantly avoided or responded to with a cold shoulder, nobody learns those skills.
In my own household growing up, I remember how any argument would almost instantly fade into uncomfortable silence, never to be revisited. As a kid, I assumed that was normal. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized I had to train myself to deal with disagreements head-on—otherwise, every conflict felt catastrophic.
5. They downplayed mental health
Mental health conversations have become more open now, but go back a few decades, and the boomer approach was often to keep concerns hush-hush.
Therapy was sometimes dismissed as something only “seriously troubled” people needed, and admitting you were overwhelmed or depressed could be met with a “Just toughen up, it’ll pass.”
This tendency to downplay mental health struggles was a hallmark of avoidant behavior. It’s not that boomer parents didn’t care; they just didn’t have the language—or the cultural acceptance—to address mental health openly.
I’ve worked with individuals who remember their mothers quietly whispering about someone’s “nerves” or “exhaustion” rather than calling it anxiety or burnout.
As Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, has pointed out, recognizing and addressing our own emotional states is a cornerstone of well-being.
When boomer parents brushed off mental health issues, they often sent the message that feelings of depression, anxiety, or overwhelm were personal failings rather than genuine health concerns.
Today, we know how crucial it is to seek help early, whether that means therapy, support groups, or even just opening up to a friend. By contrast, the old “ignore it and it might go away” approach only served to prolong discomfort and cause deeper emotional scars.
6. They dismissed children’s perspectives
Last but not least, many boomer parents held onto the “kids should be seen and not heard” mentality. Requests for explanation or attempts at negotiation were frequently met with the classic “Because I said so.”
Discussions around boundaries, fairness, or feelings sometimes weren’t even an option. This approach taught kids that their viewpoints, however valid, didn’t really matter.
I remember in one of my previous posts, I discussed how empowerment starts with listening—truly listening—to another person’s perspective. (You might have read my post on fostering open lines of communication across generations.)
Dismissing children’s thoughts and feelings can inadvertently teach them that what they think or feel is inconsequential, which can shape how they interact with authority figures later in life. It can foster resentment, low self-esteem, or difficulty advocating for themselves.
Simon Sinek has famously talked about the importance of empathy and listening in leadership. When we extend that notion to parenting, it means viewing children as individuals with their own valid emotions and opinions.
By embracing that perspective, parents today can help their kids develop a healthy sense of self-worth and communication skills that serve them well into adulthood.
The bottom line
We can’t go back in time and change how the boomer generation parented—or how we were parented. What we can do is recognize where some of those approaches fell short and aim for a more open, less avoidant way of raising children and relating to each other.
I truly believe that when we shine a light on these past tendencies, we aren’t condemning our parents (or grandparents). We’re learning from them.
If any of these points hit home for you, take it as an opportunity for growth. Maybe it’s time to have that conversation you’ve been putting off or open up to someone you trust about what you’re feeling.
Perhaps it’s a reminder to encourage your own children—or even your partner—to talk openly when they’re upset, rather than shutting down or walking away.
Here at Blog Herald, we often emphasize that self-awareness is the first step toward meaningful change. By staying mindful of how we approach emotions, conflict, and communication, we can break the cycles of avoidance we might have inherited.
And in doing so, we can give ourselves—and those around us—the gift of being truly heard, seen, and supported.
