7 subtle signs your adult child harbors major resentment for you, says a psychologist

For years, I grappled with a nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

Can you relate?

You know the drill:

– Strained conversations

– Awkward holiday gatherings

– Mysterious ‘cold-shoulders’

– And an unsettling intuition that something is off.

As a parent, I yearned for a loving, respectful relationship with my grown-up child. But somehow, it always seemed just out of reach.

I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and a psychology enthusiast who found himself at a loss. I was desperate to understand the emotional distance growing between me and my adult child.

Then, I had an eye-opening conversation with a psychologist friend. He revealed to me that my child might be harboring major resentment towards me.

Suddenly, everything made sense.

In this article, I’ll share the 7 subtle signs he told me about. If you’re in a similar boat, I hope these insights can help you navigate these choppy waters. Let’s dive in.

1) They avoid spending time with you

One of the first signs my psychologist friend pointed out was avoidance.

If your adult child is constantly cancelling plans, or they seem to be perpetually ‘too busy’ to spend time with you, it might not just be about their hectic schedule.

This avoidance can come in various forms – from dodging phone calls to declining dinner invitations. It may even extend to significant family gatherings.

It was a hard pill to swallow, but I had to face it: my child was avoiding me intentionally. It wasn’t about their busy life; it was about me.

Of course, there could be other reasons for their avoidance. But if it’s a consistent pattern, it’s worth considering that they might harbor resentment towards you.

The key is not to react defensively but to approach them with love and openness, ready for a potentially difficult conversation.

As painful as it may be, it’s the first step towards understanding and healing.

2) They’re overly critical of you

The second sign my psychologist friend mentioned was constant criticism.

You know what I mean:

– Every decision you make is questioned
– Your words are frequently twisted
– And your actions are under constant scrutiny

It felt all too familiar. My child often criticized my lifestyle choices, my opinions, even my cooking.

At first, I brushed it off as them being overly concerned. But the reality was different. It was resentment seeping through their words.

Famous psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

It struck a chord with me. I realized that the first step towards resolving this issue was accepting that my child resented me.

Only then could I start working on changing our relationship dynamics and addressing their criticism constructively. It’s not easy, but it’s a necessary step towards mending our bond.

3) They frequently bring up past mistakes

The third sign was something I had been experiencing for a while: my child was constantly bringing up my past mistakes.

Whether it was an argument from five years ago, a forgotten birthday, or an ill-chosen word during a tense moment, it seemed like my past errors were always up for discussion.

I remember a particular incident when we were out having lunch. A casual conversation about vacation plans turned into a heated argument about a holiday I had missed when they were in high school.

It was like they were holding onto these past mistakes, unable to let them go.

This frequent dredging up of the past was not just about remembering old wounds; it was a clear indication of their unresolved resentment.

It’s tough to face the fact that your child is holding onto grudges from the past, but acknowledging this is crucial to moving forward and working on rebuilding your relationship.

4) They display passive-aggressive behavior

The fourth sign was one I had been noticing but didn’t fully understand: my child’s passive-aggressive behavior.

It could be sarcastic remarks, hidden jabs, or the silent treatment—things that seem minor on the surface but are loaded with underlying hostility.

There was a time when my child would give me the silent treatment for days, only to dismiss it later as ‘just being in a mood’. But I began to realize that this was more than just mood swings.

Understanding this made me realize that my child’s passive-aggressive behavior wasn’t just them being difficult—it was an indication of deeper issues.

5) They’re dismissive of your feelings

The fifth sign I noticed was a dismissive attitude towards my feelings.

Whenever I tried to express how I felt about our strained relationship, my child would brush it off. They would often resort to phrases like “You’re over-reacting” or “You’re just being dramatic”.

It felt like they were invalidating my emotions and making light of my concerns.

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This dismissal of my feelings was not only hurtful but it also created a communication barrier between us. It was as if my feelings didn’t matter, which made it more difficult for us to address and resolve our issues.

Recognizing this behavior as a sign of resentment was a step towards understanding their perspective and finding ways to communicate more effectively.

6) They avoid eye contact

The sixth sign was one that surprised me: my child often avoided making eye contact with me.

At first, I put it down to them being shy or introverted. But then I noticed that they had no problem maintaining eye contact with others.

My psychologist friend explained that avoiding eye contact is often a subconscious response when someone is feeling resentment or discomfort.

This reminded me of a quote from renowned psychologist Paul Ekman: “The eyes are the window to the soul.”

It made sense. The way my child was avoiding my gaze was a silent yet powerful indication of their inner turmoil.

Understanding this behavior was a step towards acknowledging their feelings, even if they weren’t verbally expressing them. It was a subtle sign, but a crucial one to take note of.

7) They’re overly polite or formal

The seventh sign was a counterintuitive one: my child was excessively polite and formal with me.

This may sound like a positive thing, but in reality, it created a certain distance between us. Our conversations felt impersonal, like we were mere acquaintances rather than parent and child.

Instead of the usual casual banter and open conversation, we had formal exchanges that lacked warmth. It was as if they were keeping a safe emotional distance.

Understanding this strange formality as a sign of resentment was perplexing but illuminating. It helped me realize that sometimes, politeness can be a mask hiding deeper issues.

Here’s a practical tip: Try to gently address this formality. Invite them for a casual outing or use humor to lighten the mood.

Slowly, they might start to feel more comfortable and let down their guard. This could be the first step towards bridging that emotional gap.

Conclusion

Spotting these signs of resentment in your adult child can be heart-wrenching. But remember, understanding is the first step towards healing.

Acknowledge their feelings without getting defensive. Be open to having tough conversations. Remember, it’s not about who’s right or wrong, but about understanding each other’s perspectives.

Above all, patience is key. It may take time for your child to open up and for the resentment to dissipate.

As psychologist Brene Brown aptly said, “Connection is why we’re here; it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.”

Don’t lose hope and keep striving for that connection with your child.

Healing may not happen overnight, but every step you take towards understanding and empathy is a step towards a stronger, healthier relationship.

Feeling stuck in self-doubt?

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Picture of Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown

Lachlan Brown is a renowned expert in mindfulness, relationships, and personal development. With over a decade of experience, Lachlan has dedicated his career to exploring the intricacies of human behavior and self-improvement. For his latest articles and updates, follow him on Facebook here

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