We all want the best for our children, even when they’re grown. But sometimes, the words we use—without even thinking—can hurt them more than we realize.
The way we speak to our adult kids can shape their confidence, their sense of self, and even their relationship with us. And while we may have good intentions, certain phrases can come across as dismissive, judgmental, or controlling.
A psychologist explains how some seemingly harmless comments can actually cause deep emotional wounds. Here are eight subtle phrases that might be hurting your adult children—and what to say instead.
1) “You’re too sensitive”
It’s easy to say this when your adult child reacts emotionally to something you’ve said.
But dismissing their feelings with “You’re too sensitive” can make them feel unheard and invalidated.
Carl Rogers, one of the most influential psychologists in humanistic therapy, once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”
Your child’s feelings—even if they seem exaggerated to you—are real to them. Instead of shutting them down, try asking, “Can you help me understand why this upset you?”
This opens the door for conversation rather than closing it with criticism.
2) “I’m just saying this for your own good”
I used to say this to my daughter all the time. Whenever I gave her unsolicited advice—whether it was about her career, relationships, or even the way she dressed—I’d follow it up with, “I’m just saying this for your own good.”
I thought I was being helpful. But one day, she finally told me how it made her feel. “Mom, when you say that, it makes me feel like you don’t trust me to make my own decisions,” she said. That hit me hard.
Psychologist Alfred Adler once said, “Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words.”
What I realized was that my daughter didn’t need me to tell her what was best for her—she needed me to trust that she could figure it out herself.
Now, instead of offering advice she didn’t ask for, I try saying, “I trust you to handle this, but if you ever want my perspective, I’m here.”
It’s a small shift, but it makes a big difference.
3) “Why don’t you call me more?”
I used to say this without thinking.
Every time my son would finally call, I’d blurt out, “Why don’t you call me more?” or “I never hear from you anymore.” I thought I was just expressing how much I missed him—but what I was really doing was making him feel guilty.
One day, he sighed and said, “Mom, every time I call, I end up feeling bad instead of happy to talk to you.” That was a punch to the gut. Here I was, trying to stay connected, but all I was doing was pushing him away.
As psychologist John Gottman puts it, “Behind every complaint is a deep personal longing.”
My longing wasn’t for more phone calls—it was for connection. And guilt is a terrible foundation for connection. Now, instead of making him feel bad, I just tell him, “It’s so good to hear your voice. I’ve missed you.”
And you know what? He calls more often now—because he wants to, not because he feels obligated.
4) “When I was your age…”
I used to think sharing my past struggles would help my kids put their own challenges into perspective.
If they were stressed about work, I’d say, “When I was your age, I was working two jobs and still barely getting by.” If they were feeling overwhelmed, I’d remind them how much harder things were back in my day.
But I started to notice that instead of feeling understood, they’d shut down. One day, my daughter finally said, “I get that you had it tough, but that doesn’t make what I’m going through any easier.”
That was an eye-opener.
Psychologist Brené Brown says, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
My kids didn’t need a comparison—they needed validation. Now, instead of measuring their struggles against mine, I try saying, “That sounds really hard. How can I support you?”
Your kids don’t need to know how tough you had it—they just need to know you’re on their side.
5) “I just want you to be happy”
This sounds like the most loving thing a parent could say. And I meant it every time I said it to my kids. But over time, I realized that this simple phrase carried unintended pressure.
One day, my son admitted, “Sometimes it feels like if I’m not happy, I’m letting you down.” That stopped me in my tracks. Without realizing it, I had made happiness seem like an expectation rather than a natural, ever-changing emotion.
Psychologist Carl Jung once said, “Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”
Life isn’t about being happy all the time—it’s about experiencing the full range of emotions.
Now, instead of saying “I just want you to be happy,” I tell my kids, “I just want you to be yourself, no matter what you’re feeling.” Because real love isn’t about expecting happiness—it’s about offering support through everything.
6) “You should…”
It’s tempting to give advice, especially when you think you know the right answer.
I used to start sentences with “You should…” all the time—“You should take that job,” “You should save more money,” “You should call your grandmother more often.”
I thought I was being helpful. But to my kids, it felt like I was telling them I didn’t trust their judgment.
Psychologist Edward Deci, known for his work on motivation, once said, “Autonomy is essential to human well-being.”
When we constantly tell our adult children what they should do, we unintentionally take away their sense of control over their own lives.
Now, I try replacing “You should” with “Have you considered…?” or “What do you think would work best for you?”
This small shift makes a big difference—it turns the conversation from directive to supportive, giving them space to make their own choices while knowing I’m here to help if they need it.
7) “I know exactly how you feel”
I used to say this with the best intentions.
If my child was struggling, I thought sharing my own experiences would make them feel understood. “I know exactly how you feel,” I’d say, before launching into a story about a similar situation from my past.
But one day, my daughter gently told me, “Mom, I know you’re trying to help, but sometimes it feels like you’re making it about you instead of listening to me.”
That was tough to hear, but she was right. No two experiences are ever exactly the same, and by saying I knew how she felt, I was unintentionally dismissing her unique emotions.
Real empathy isn’t about comparing—it’s about being present. Now, instead of saying “I know exactly how you feel,” I say, “That sounds really hard. Do you want to talk about it?”
Sometimes, they don’t need my experiences—they just need my understanding.
8) “You’re being dramatic”
I hate to admit it, but I’ve said this more times than I can count. When my kids got upset over something that, to me, seemed small, I’d brush it off with, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re being dramatic.”
I thought I was helping them gain perspective—but what I was really doing was making them feel like their emotions didn’t matter.
One day, my son snapped back, “Just because you wouldn’t be upset about this doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be.” That hit me hard. He was right. I had been measuring his emotions against my own instead of recognizing that his feelings were just as real and valid as mine.
Psychologist Virginia Satir once said, “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated.”
By dismissing my child’s emotions, I wasn’t creating that atmosphere—I was shutting it down.
Now, instead of calling them dramatic, I say, “I can see this is really upsetting you. Do you want to talk about it?” Because no matter how big or small their feelings seem to me, they deserve to be heard.
Final thoughts
The words we choose to use with our adult children can have a profound impact on their emotional well-being and the quality of our relationship.
Even seemingly harmless phrases can unintentionally create distance or make them feel unheard, misunderstood, or unsupported.
By shifting our language to be more validating, empathetic, and respectful of their autonomy, we can foster a deeper connection and help them navigate their own lives with confidence.
After all, our role as parents is not to dictate their path, but to support them as they chart their own course.
