As Hack Spirit founder and mindfulness enthusiast, I’ve seen how subtle habits can shape our lives, especially when it comes to love.
Not everyone finds true and authentic love and often, it’s because of certain habits that we might not even realize we have. These habits can quietly steer us away from the fulfilling love we seek.
In this article, we’ll explore the 9 subtle habits that hold people back from finding genuine love. These habits are often overlooked but have a profound impact on our romantic relationships.
So, if you’re wondering why you’ve yet to find that real and sincere love, stick around. You might discover it’s down to a few simple habits you can start changing today.
1) Avoidance of vulnerability
Vulnerability is a critical aspect of any meaningful relationship. It’s the raw exposure of our true selves – our fears, desires, hopes, and dreams.
However, some people find the idea of being vulnerable terrifying. They have a habit of hiding their true selves, fearing that showing their weaknesses might make them less loveable.
This avoidance of vulnerability can lead to shallow relationships that lack the depth and intimacy required for true and authentic love.
Being honest and open about our feelings and experiences can be challenging, but it’s also the gateway to deeper connections with others.
As renowned psychologist Brené Brown once said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”
2) Fear of commitment
As a mindfulness enthusiast, I’ve had to face my own fears and insecurities. One of the biggest hurdles I’ve had to overcome was my fear of commitment.
In the past, I had a habit of hesitating when things got serious in a relationship. I’d start doubting, questioning if I was truly ready for such a big step. This fear often led to me pulling away, causing strain and heartache.
This fear of commitment can prevent people from experiencing true and authentic love. It’s a barrier that prevents us from fully investing in a relationship, leaving it lacking in depth and sincerity.
As I’ve learned from my own experiences, facing this fear and embracing the possibility of a committed relationship can lead to the most fulfilling and meaningful love. As famed psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”
Overcoming this habit is about learning and growing, allowing ourselves to change for the better.
3) Living in the past
One subtle habit that can prevent people from finding true and authentic love is living in the past. This usually manifests as an inability to let go of past relationships or experiences.
As someone who’s spent much time practicing mindfulness, I can tell you that being present is a crucial principle of Buddhism and a key to finding genuine love.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I delve deeper into the concept of being present and letting go of past attachments.
When we live in the past, we unintentionally carry old wounds and baggage into new relationships. This can sabotage our chances at finding real love, as we might project old fears and hurts onto our current partners.
It’s important to remember that every relationship is new and unique. Learning to let go of the past allows us to approach each relationship with fresh eyes, increasing our chances at finding true and authentic love.
As famed psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “We are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love.” To find authentic love, we must be willing to let go of past hurts and open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt again. It’s a risk worth taking.
4) Lack of self-love
Psychological studies have consistently shown that our relationships with others are heavily influenced by our relationship with ourselves.
If we lack self-love, it becomes challenging to fully and genuinely love others. This is because when we don’t value ourselves, we tend to settle for less than we deserve, or we push away those who treat us well out of disbelief or fear.
Practically speaking, developing self-love involves cultivating self-compassion, recognizing our self-worth, and fostering positive self-talk. These practices can help us build a healthy relationship with ourselves, which in turn can improve our relationships with others.
Renowned psychologist Carl Jung once said, “Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” This points to the importance of introspection and self-love in our quest for authentic love. When we love and accept ourselves, we set the stage for others to do the same.
5) Seeking perfection
It might sound counter-intuitive, but the pursuit of the “perfect” partner can actually hinder us from finding true and authentic love.
Perfection is an illusion and when we constantly seek it in others, we set ourselves up for disappointment. No one is perfect, and holding unrealistic expectations can cause us to overlook potential partners who are genuinely a good match for us.
Instead of seeking perfection, focus on finding someone whose strengths complement your weaknesses, and vice versa. Real love isn’t about finding a picture-perfect partner, but about accepting each other’s imperfections.
As prominent psychologist Albert Ellis said, “The art of love… is largely the art of persistence.” True and authentic love involves understanding that everyone has flaws, embracing them, and persisting in love despite them.
6) Fear of being alone
Fear of being alone can often push us into relationships that don’t serve us well. This fear can cause us to settle for less than we deserve, just to avoid being single.
However, this can prevent us from finding true and authentic love. When we’re motivated by fear, we’re unable to choose our partners based on genuine compatibility or love.
It’s important to understand that being single isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it can be a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and what we want in a partner.
As esteemed psychologist Rollo May once said, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.” Conforming to societal pressures to be in a relationship can prevent us from finding real and authentic love. It takes courage to step away from these pressures and wait for a love that truly fulfills us.
7) Not expressing feelings
Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. We can have all the love in the world for someone, but if we don’t express it, that love might go unnoticed.
There were times when words would get stuck in my throat, causing misunderstandings and frustration. It wasn’t until I realized the importance of expressing feelings that my relationships began to thrive.
When we hold back our feelings, we deny our partners the chance to understand us fully. This can create a gap between us and prevent us from experiencing deep, authentic love.
Famous psychologist Marshall Rosenberg said, “What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”
Expressing our feelings is a part of this mutual giving. It allows love to flow freely between two people, creating a stronger, more authentic connection.
8) Ignoring red flags
Another subtle habit that can prevent us from finding true and authentic love is ignoring red flags. These are signs or behaviors that indicate a potential problem in a relationship.
Whether it’s disrespect, dishonesty, or a lack of emotional availability, these red flags shouldn’t be ignored. They’re often indicative of deeper issues that can prevent a relationship from thriving.
It’s important to trust our instincts and pay attention to these signs. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay to step back and reassess.
As eminent psychologist Abraham Maslow said, “In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.” Recognizing and addressing red flags allows us to step forward into growth, increasing our chances of finding true and authentic love.
Final thoughts: Love is an inside job
As we navigate the complex terrain of love and relationships, it’s essential to remember that the journey towards true and authentic love often starts with ourselves.
These subtle habits we’ve explored are not present to discourage us, but to awaken us to the areas of our lives we can refine to invite deeper, more fulfilling love.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I delve into these concepts further, exploring how ancient wisdom can guide us towards healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
Whether we’re learning to be vulnerable, embracing our fears, or practicing self-love, each step brings us closer to the kind of love that enriches our lives.
Remember, as renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.” The pursuit of authentic love is part of this process. It’s not about reaching a perfect ideal, but about evolving, growing, and learning along the way.
So as you reflect on these habits and what they mean for your journey towards love, remember that change is possible. With awareness and effort, you can create the conditions for true and authentic love to flourish in your life.
