When you raise a child, you do the best you can with what you know at the time. But as they grow into adults, they start forming their own perspectives—sometimes ones that don’t align with yours.
Maybe they’ve grown distant. Maybe certain topics set them off. Or maybe there’s an unspoken tension between you that never seems to fade.
The truth is, not every adult child openly talks about their feelings toward their upbringing. Some bury their resentment deep, letting it show in small, subtle ways instead.
If you’ve ever wondered whether your child secretly resents the way they were raised, here are eight telling signs to look out for.
1) They keep their distance, even when there’s no reason to
Some adult children naturally become more independent as they grow older. But if your child consistently keeps their distance—emotionally or physically—there might be more to it than just busy schedules or differing lifestyles.
Maybe they avoid deep conversations. Maybe they rarely initiate contact. Or maybe they seem uncomfortable spending too much time around you.
When someone harbors resentment, distance becomes a way to protect themselves. It’s easier to keep things surface-level than to revisit old wounds.
If your child seems to be holding you at arm’s length, it could be their way of keeping unresolved feelings at bay.
2) They get unusually tense when certain topics come up
I used to think my son just didn’t like talking about his childhood. Any time I brought up stories from when he was younger, he’d change the subject or give short, clipped responses.
At first, I brushed it off. Not everyone enjoys reminiscing, right? But then I started noticing something else—certain topics made him visibly uncomfortable. Discussions about strict rules, discipline, or past family dynamics would make his jaw tighten and his body stiffen, even if he didn’t say much.
That’s when it hit me: these weren’t just neutral memories for him. They carried weight—weight I hadn’t realized he was still carrying.
If your child reacts with tension, frustration, or even silence when certain parts of their upbringing are mentioned, it could be a sign that those memories don’t feel as harmless to them as they do to you.
3) They struggle with self-worth and perfectionism
Many adults who grew up feeling overly criticized or pressured to meet high expectations develop an internal voice that’s hard to silence. Instead of feeling confident in who they are, they constantly question if they’re good enough.
Perfectionism often stems from childhood environments where love and approval felt conditional—where mistakes were met with disappointment rather than guidance. Over time, this can lead to a deep-rooted fear of failure and an endless pursuit of validation.
If your child is unusually hard on themselves, struggles with self-doubt, or seems to tie their worth to their achievements, it might not be random. It could be a lingering effect of how they were made to feel growing up.
4) They avoid asking for help
Some adult children have no problem turning to their parents when they need advice or support. But others will do everything in their power to handle things on their own—even when they’re clearly struggling.
This isn’t always about independence. Sometimes, it’s a sign that they were made to feel like needing help was a weakness or an inconvenience when they were younger.
If they grew up feeling like their problems weren’t taken seriously or that they had to “figure things out” on their own, they may carry that mindset into adulthood.
So if your child refuses to lean on you, even when it’s obvious they could use some support, it might not be stubbornness—it might be a learned response from the way they were raised.
5) They don’t open up about their personal life
I used to ask my daughter all kinds of questions about her life—how work was going, what she’d been up to, how she was feeling. And every time, I’d get the same kind of response: short, vague, and just enough to keep the conversation moving.
At first, I thought she was just private. But then I started noticing that she opened up easily to friends and other family members—just not to me. That’s when I realized her distance wasn’t about privacy. It was about trust.
When someone grows up feeling unheard, dismissed, or judged, they learn to keep things to themselves. If your child rarely shares their thoughts, struggles, or big life decisions with you, it might be because they don’t feel fully safe doing so—even if that’s not the message you intended to send.
6) They go out of their way to please you
It might seem like a good thing if your child is always agreeable, never argues, and does everything they can to keep you happy. But sometimes, this isn’t a sign of love—it’s a sign of fear.
Children who grew up feeling like they had to earn approval often carry that habit into adulthood. Instead of expressing their true thoughts and feelings, they prioritize keeping the peace. They avoid conflict, suppress resentment, and put your comfort above their own—even if it hurts them in the process.
If your child never pushes back, never sets boundaries, and always puts your needs first, it might not mean they’re perfectly happy with the past. It might mean they’re still afraid of disappointing you.
7) They connect better with parental figures outside the family
It’s natural for adult children to have mentors or close relationships with older role models. But if your child seems to turn to teachers, bosses, or even family friends for the kind of support and guidance they don’t seek from you, it could be a sign of something deeper.
When someone grows up feeling misunderstood or emotionally distant from their parents, they often look for that missing connection elsewhere. They may feel more comfortable opening up to people who don’t carry the same history, expectations, or unresolved tensions.
If your child seems to bond more easily with other parental figures while keeping you at a distance, it might not mean they don’t love you—it might mean they never felt fully seen or understood growing up.
8) They’ve told you before—but you didn’t take it seriously
Not all resentment is hidden. Sometimes, your child has already tried to tell you how they feel, but their words were downplayed, dismissed, or met with defensiveness.
Maybe they brought up a painful memory, and you told them they were being too sensitive. Maybe they tried to explain how something affected them, and you insisted they were remembering it wrong. Or maybe they directly said they resented parts of their upbringing, only for the conversation to quickly shut down.
When someone feels unheard enough times, they stop trying. Instead of repeating themselves, they withdraw. If your child has ever opened up about their feelings—even just once—and you brushed it aside, that moment might still be shaping your relationship today.
Resentment doesn’t mean they don’t love you
If you’ve noticed these signs in your child, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want to cut ties or that your relationship is beyond repair. Resentment isn’t the opposite of love—it often exists alongside it.
Many adult children who struggle with their upbringing still deeply care about their parents. But unresolved feelings can create barriers that make connection difficult.
The most important thing isn’t to defend the past—it’s to listen, acknowledge, and create space for honest conversations. Because when people feel heard and understood, healing becomes possible.
