For most of my life, I’ve been fascinated by the intricacies of relationships.
I’m Hack Spirit founder, Lachlan Brown, a psychology enthusiast who has spent years studying the delicate dance between two people in love.
But for all my knowledge, I realized I couldn’t spot a dying relationship until it was too late.
A few years back, I found myself in a relationship that felt perfect. We were laughing, going on adventures, and building dreams together.
But beneath the surface, there were cracks forming that I just didn’t see.
I was blindsided when she ended things.
That’s when I dug deeper into my psychology books and research papers. I discovered that there are often subtle, non-obvious signs signaling a relationship’s end.
In this article, I’ll share these 7 non-obvious signs of a dying relationship that I’ve learned from psychology.
They’ve changed how I view relationships and they might just do the same for you.
1. You’re constantly making excuses for their behavior
As a psychology enthusiast, I’ve learned that one of the non-obvious signs of a dying relationship is when you find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner’s behavior.
It was a subtle shift I didn’t notice in my past relationship. I found myself rationalizing actions that hurt me, telling myself it was just stress or they were having a bad day.
But as the days turned into weeks and months, I realized this wasn’t just an occasional thing. It had become our normal. And it was far from healthy.
Psychology tells us that when we continuously justify our partner’s harmful behaviors, we’re often in denial about the state of our relationship. We’re trying to convince ourselves that things are fine when they’re actually on the brink of falling apart.
If you find yourself in this situation, take a step back and assess your relationship objectively.
It’s not about blaming your partner or yourself, but recognizing the reality of your situation and deciding if it’s something you both are willing to work on or not.
2. Communication has become a chore
The second sign that hit me was when communication with my partner started to feel like a chore.
Our conversations, once filled with laughter and shared dreams, had turned into awkward silence or petty squabbles.
Renowned psychologist John Gottman, who spent over four decades studying relationships, once said, “Every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.”
But what happens when those positive interactions start to disappear?
I remember one evening, sitting across from my then-partner at our favorite restaurant.
We were surrounded by the familiar hum of conversation and clinking glasses, but between us, there was only silence. I racked my brain for something to say, anything that could bridge the growing gap between us.
Looking back, I realize that our communication breakdown was a clear sign that our relationship was in trouble.
We had stopped sharing our thoughts and feelings, stopped asking about each other’s day. Our connection was fading, and with it, our relationship.
If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner or if your conversations feel forced or empty, it may be time to take a closer look at your relationship.
3. Plans for the future are no longer exciting
In a healthy, thriving relationship, making plans for the future is exciting. It’s an affirmation of your commitment to each other and your shared dreams.
But when my relationship was dying, the thought of future plans filled me with dread, not excitement.
I remember sitting down to discuss a trip we had planned months in advance. The idea of spending a week together away from our usual distractions should have been exciting. But all I could feel was anxiety.
When I tried to bring up the trip, I noticed a similar lack of enthusiasm from my partner. The conversation quickly shifted to other topics, and the trip was soon forgotten.
This reluctance to plan or even discuss the future was a clear sign that something was off in our relationship.
We were both avoiding commitment to shared experiences because, subconsciously, we knew that our relationship was on shaky ground.
If you find yourself or your partner hesitating when it comes to future plans, it may be a sign that your relationship is faltering.
4. Physical intimacy is missing
Another sign that often goes unnoticed until it’s too late is the lack of physical intimacy.
It’s not just about sex but the small gestures of affection that used to come naturally: a hug, a touch on the arm, a kiss goodbye.
In my own relationship, I started noticing that we had stopped touching each other as often. Our kisses felt perfunctory, our hugs were brief and forced. It was as if an invisible wall had sprung up between us.
Physical intimacy fosters a sense of closeness and connection, and when it starts to fade, it could be an indication that your relationship is under strain.
If you’re noticing a decline in physical intimacy with your partner, it might be worth having an open and honest conversation about it. It could be a symptom of deeper issues that need to be addressed.
5. You start to feel lonely even when you’re together
Feeling lonely in a relationship can be a paradoxical and confusing experience. How can you feel alone when you’re with someone?
I remember one night, lying next to my partner in bed, feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. We were physically close, but emotionally, it felt like we were miles apart.
This emotional distance can creep up on you without notice. One day you’re laughing and sharing secrets, and the next, you’re sitting across from each other in silence, feeling more alone than ever.
That feeling of loneliness in a relationship is a clear sign that something isn’t right. It signals a lack of emotional intimacy and connection, which are vital for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
If you find yourself feeling lonely even when your partner is right beside you, it’s time to address the emotional disconnect in your relationship.
6. You’re no longer each other’s priority
A key aspect of any relationship is making each other a priority. But when my relationship was dying, I noticed a shift in our priorities that left me feeling sidelined.
For instance, we used to spend our weekends exploring new places or trying out new activities. But over time, I realized I was often alone while my partner was increasingly busy with work, friends, or personal projects.
Famed psychologist Dr. Robert Weiss once said, “In a healthy relationship, both parties see the relationship as a “we” entity rather than a “me” entity.”
But in my case, the ‘we’ had slowly morphed into ‘me and you’.
Our shared goals and dreams were replaced with individual pursuits, and our time together became less frequent and meaningful.
If you find that you or your partner are no longer making the relationship a priority, it could be a sign that your bond is weakening.
7. Everything seems perfect on the surface
This might sound counterintuitive, but sometimes a sign of a dying relationship is when everything appears to be perfect on the surface.
In retrospect, this was the case in my relationship. We were the picture-perfect couple in public—always smiling, holding hands, projecting an image of a happy, loving relationship. But behind closed doors, the reality was quite different.
It’s easy to get caught up in maintaining appearances, especially in the age of social media. But if you’re more concerned about how your relationship looks to others than how it actually feels, it’s a clear sign that something’s not right.
Take a moment and ask yourself: Are you truly happy or are you just trying to convince yourself and others that you are?
If it’s the latter, it might be time to have an honest conversation with your partner about what’s really going on.
You owe it to yourself to live authentically and not just for appearances.
Conclusion
Spotting these non-obvious signs of a dying relationship early can save you a lot of pain and confusion.
Remember, it’s not about assigning blame, but understanding what’s happening and deciding the best course of action for both of you.
The most important thing is to communicate openly and honestly with your partner.
If you notice any of these signs, have a conversation about it. Don’t let fear or discomfort keep you from addressing the issues in your relationship.
And always remember, it’s okay to walk away if the relationship is no longer serving you. You deserve to be in a relationship that brings you happiness and fulfillment. Stay true to yourself and never settle for less.
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