Navigating the world of relationships can feel like a rollercoaster, especially when you’ve been riding it back-to-back since your freshman year in college like I have.
The journey has been filled with love, heartbreak, and valuable lessons learned. But the time has come for me to step off the merry-go-round and stand on my own.
Hi, I’m Tina Fey, the founder of the Love Connection blog and a self-proclaimed relationship enthusiast. I’ve spent my life in the realm of romance, but now I’m venturing into a new territory – independence.
Here’s how I’m starting to find my footing, solo.
1) Breaking the cycle
If you’re anything like me, you’ve found yourself in a continuous loop of relationships, almost as if you’re on a never-ending conveyor belt.
I’ve spent most of my adult life in relationships without taking enough time in between to truly process what had happened and to learn from it. But I’m finally learning the importance of breaking this cycle.
The first step to standing on your own is recognizing this pattern and making a conscious decision to step off the ride.
It’s about giving yourself the time and space needed to heal, grow, and truly understand who you are outside of a relationship.
This doesn’t mean you have to swear off relationships forever. It simply means taking a break to focus on you. Embrace the silence that comes with being single and use it as an opportunity to reconnect with yourself.
The journey to independence starts with a single step – the decision to break the cycle. And trust me, it’s a decision worth making.
2) Embracing solitude
The prospect of being alone can be scary, especially if you’re used to the constant companionship that comes with being in a relationship. But there’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
I used to fear solitude like the plague. But when I took a step back from relationships, I found that being alone was not only bearable but also enlightening.
When you’re alone, you have the chance to explore, learn, and grow in ways that you may not have had the opportunity to while in a relationship. You get to discover who you are at your core without any external influences.
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As the great philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre once said, “If you’re lonely when you’re alone, you’re in a bad company.”
It’s about learning to enjoy your own company and finding comfort within yourself.
Don’t shy away from solitude. Embrace it. It’s through silence that we truly find our voices.
3) Understanding codependency
In the process of finding my own footing, I had to confront a recurring theme in my relationships: codependency.
It’s a term you may have heard before, but fully understanding it and acknowledging its presence in your life can be a different story altogether.
Codependency is when you rely on another person for your happiness, self-worth, and identity. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where you become overly dependent on your partner.
In my case, I realized I was jumping from one relationship to another because I was afraid of being alone and losing that sense of identity that came from being someone’s partner.
To help myself and others overcome this hurdle, I wrote a book called Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.
In it, I delve into the nature of codependent relationships and provide actionable steps to overcome it.
Understanding codependency and working towards breaking free from it is a significant step towards standing on your own.
4) Welcoming discomfort
Here’s something you might not expect: discomfort can be your ally.
I know, it sounds counterintuitive. We’re often taught to avoid uncomfortable situations at all costs.
But when it comes to standing on your own after a series of back-to-back relationships, discomfort is not just inevitable, it’s necessary.
Stepping out of your comfort zone means breaking old patterns and creating new ones.
This can feel unsettling at first, but it’s through this discomfort that we grow and evolve.
Every time you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s a sign that you’re pushing your boundaries and making progress.
Instead of running away from discomfort, acknowledge it, embrace it, and let it guide you towards becoming a stronger, more independent individual.
5) Rediscovering hobbies and interests
When I was in back-to-back relationships, I often found myself adapting to my partner’s hobbies and interests, sometimes even sidelining my own.
Once I made the conscious decision to stand on my own, I realized that I had the freedom to explore my own interests again. It was like rediscovering a lost part of myself.
Whether it’s painting, hiking, or even just curling up with a good book, re-engaging with activities you love can bring immense joy and fulfillment.
It can also help you build confidence and independence.
Don’t be afraid to explore new hobbies or revisit old ones. This journey is about you and what makes you happy.
Go ahead, reignite that passion for salsa dancing or start that blog you’ve always wanted to. This is your time to shine!
6) Acknowledging the pain
Let’s be honest here, ending a relationship, especially one that you’ve invested a lot of time and emotion in, hurts. It’s messy, it’s complicated, and it can feel like your world is falling apart.
When I first decided to stand on my own, I was confronted with a wave of emotions – sadness, anger, regret.
And I’m not going to sugarcoat it, there were days when I questioned if I had made the right decision.
But here’s what I learned: It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to mourn the loss of a relationship. It’s okay to not be okay.
Acknowledging your pain doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. And it’s an essential part of the healing process. So give yourself permission to grieve.
Allow yourself to feel the pain. It’s through this raw, honest acknowledgment of your emotions that you can truly begin to heal and move forward.
7) Cultivating self-love
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned on this journey is the importance of self-love.
For a long time, I was seeking validation and love from my partners. I thought that their affection and approval would fill the void within me. But the truth is, no one can truly love you until you love yourself.
Learning to love myself, flaws and all, was a challenging yet rewarding process. It meant accepting who I am, acknowledging my strengths, and forgiving myself for my mistakes.
As the renowned poet and civil rights activist Maya Angelou once said, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”
This quote resonated with me deeply during this phase of self-discovery.
Cultivating self-love is about recognizing your worth and treating yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve. It’s about celebrating who you are as an individual and embracing your uniqueness.
Take some time each day to show yourself some love. You’re worth it.
8) Facing the fear of the unknown
The unknown can be terrifying. When I first decided to stand on my own, I was stepping into uncharted territory. I had no idea what to expect, and that in itself was scary.
There were nights when I lay awake, wondering if I had made the right decision. There were days when I questioned if I had the strength to continue.
Fear of the unknown can be paralyzing, but it’s something we all must face at some point.
What I’ve come to realize is that this fear is a natural part of stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s a sign that you’re challenging yourself and pushing your boundaries.
It’s okay to be scared. But don’t let that fear hold you back. Use it as motivation to continue your journey towards independence and self-discovery.
Facing your fears is not easy, but it’s a necessary step towards growth and self-improvement.
Final thoughts
Taking the leap to stand on your own after being in back-to-back relationships is not a journey for the faint of heart.
It’s a path filled with emotional ups and downs, self-discovery, and personal growth.
But remember, every journey begins with a single step. And every step you take towards independence and self-love is a step in the right direction.
If you’re struggling with codependency or just want to learn more about standing on your own, I invite you to read my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.
It’s filled with insights and practical tips that I’ve gathered from my own experiences.
This journey is about you and your growth.
Take it one day at a time, be patient with yourself, and never forget that you are enough.
Here’s to standing on your own and embracing the beautiful person that you are. You’ve got this!
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