Here’s a tough truth that I’ve come to realize:
You’re not going to cultivate richer, more fulfilling friendships as you age if you’re clinging onto certain habits.
I’ve given it a good go, really I have. I’ve tried to hold onto these patterns of behavior, convincing myself they were harmless or even beneficial.
But it’s not always about the dramatic shifts.
Sometimes there’s a quiet realization that some things simply have to go – even if your comfort zone is screaming otherwise.
In the following paragraphs, I’ll help you identify which of these habits need to be shown the door if you want to find and foster better quality friendships as you navigate through your later years.
1) Holding on to past grudges
Here’s a hard pill to swallow:
Carrying old grudges around like they’re badges of honor is not going to serve you well in the friendship department.
I’ve been there, trust me. Nursing old wounds, allowing them to influence how I interact with others.
But let’s face it, it’s not the most attractive trait, is it? It’s like a cloud hanging over your head, influencing your words, your actions, your ability to connect on a deeper level.
If you find yourself bringing up past grievances in every conversation, or if you’re unable to trust new friends because of what someone did five years ago, then it’s time for a change.
Letting go of past grudges isn’t just about forgiveness – it’s about making room for new experiences and better friendships.
2) Being overly judgmental
I’ll be the first to admit it:
I’ve been guilty of this.
There was a time when I would meet someone new and within minutes, I’d have them all figured out – or so I thought. The clothes they wore, the way they spoke, their choice of coffee – it all fed into this rapid-fire assessment.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
Being overly judgmental is like wearing blinkers. You miss out on the richness of people, their stories and experiences, because you’re too busy slotting them into neat little boxes.
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And let’s not forget – it’s a two-way street. If you’re quick to judge, chances are you’re closing yourself off too.
One of my most rewarding friendships began with me suspending my initial judgments. Sarah, with her loud laugh and brightly colored scarves, was nothing like my usual crowd.
But once I pushed past my initial impressions, I discovered a kindred spirit who has since become one of my closest confidants.
The lesson here? Leave the judging to courtrooms. If you want better friendships as you age, embrace openness and curiosity instead.
3) Resisting change
There’s a quote by the great Albert Einstein that really hit home for me:
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
For a long time, I held onto this idea that consistency was key. That sticking to what I knew, who I was, was the way to go.
But here’s what Einstein was getting at:
Change is inevitable. It’s the only constant in life. And if we resist change, we resist growth – and that includes growth in our friendships.
It’s easy to fall into familiar patterns of behavior, especially as we get older. It’s comfortable, it’s safe. But it also limits us.
Think about it: If you’re not open to change, how can you expect to form new and meaningful friendships? How can you expect to evolve and grow with your existing friends?
Willingness to change, to adapt, to grow – this is what allows us to form deeper connections with others.
So, if you’re finding it hard to make quality friends as you age, maybe it’s time to embrace change rather than resist it. Because as Einstein reminded us – intelligence is the ability to change. And that includes changing our habits.
4) Ignoring your own needs
Did you know that the average person will meet around 80,000 people in their lifetime?
That’s a lot of potential friendships.
But here’s the thing – if you’re constantly putting other people’s needs before your own, if you’re always the one making sacrifices, you’re not leaving any room for yourself.
I get it, we all want to be liked. But at what cost?
When we ignore our own needs, we’re not being true to ourselves. And if we’re not being true to ourselves, how can we expect to form genuine connections with others?
Don’t get me wrong, compromise is a key part of any relationship. But there’s a difference between compromise and self-sacrifice.
Next time you find yourself bending over backwards to accommodate a friend, ask yourself: am I ignoring my own needs?
Because if you want to make better quality friends as you age, it’s time to start valuing your own needs as much as you value others’.
5) Neglecting personal growth
Here’s something I’ve come to understand:
If you’re not growing, you’re stagnating. And stagnation is the enemy of meaningful connections.
When we stop learning, when we stop pushing ourselves, we also stop being interesting. There’s less to talk about, less to share. And that can really impact the quality of our friendships.
I’ve noticed this in my own life. There was a period when I was stuck in a rut – same job, same routine, same old. It felt like everything was on repeat. And it had an effect on my friendships – they started to feel stale too.
It wasn’t until I decided to shake things up – started taking night classes, picked up a new hobby – that I noticed a change. Not only did I become more interesting to myself, but I also became more interesting to others.
New experiences lead to new stories, new viewpoints, new connections. And these are the building blocks of quality friendships.
6) Not practicing empathy
Here’s an uncomfortable truth:
If we don’t practice empathy, we’re unlikely to foster deep and meaningful friendships.
I’ve been on both sides of this equation. I’ve been the friend who’s quick to offer advice, but slow to truly listen and understand. I’ve also been on the receiving end, feeling unheard and dismissed.
But the moment I started practicing empathy – I mean really putting myself in the other person’s shoes, trying to understand their perspective without judgment – things changed.
Friendships deepened and new ones formed more easily. Conversations became richer and more rewarding. There was a sense of connection that wasn’t there before.
Empathy is like a bridge – it allows us to meet in the middle, to understand each other on a deeper level. And when we do that, our friendships become stronger and more fulfilling.
7) Avoiding vulnerability
Let’s face it:
Opening up, showing our true selves – it can be scary. We risk rejection, judgment, heartache. But here’s the thing – without vulnerability, we’re missing out on deeper connections.
I’ve been there. Keeping things light and surface-level, never diving into the deep end.
I thought it was safer that way. But all it did was keep me from forming truly meaningful friendships.
When we open up, when we show our true selves – flaws and all – we give others the chance to do the same. It creates a sense of trust and mutual understanding that’s hard to achieve otherwise.
It’s not always easy, but in my experience, it’s always worth it.
8) Forgetting to be a friend
This might sound obvious, but hear me out:
Sometimes, in our quest for better friendships, we forget the most essential part – being a friend ourselves.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of expecting more from others than we’re willing to give. We want understanding, empathy, time, attention – but are we offering the same in return?
I’ve been guilty of this. Expecting my friends to be there for me, but not always being there for them. And let me tell you, it’s a surefire way to undermine your friendships.
Being a friend isn’t just about taking – it’s about giving too. It’s about being there for the good times and the bad, offering a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear.
It’s about showing up.
If you’re looking to make better quality friends as you get older, here’s my final piece of advice: Don’t forget to be a friend. Because at the end of the day, that’s what it all boils down to.
Final thoughts
If you’ve found yourself nodding along to these points, don’t worry – you’re not alone.
We all have our habits that can get in the way of building quality friendships. But the beauty of habits is that they can be changed.
Start by recognizing where these habits show up. Maybe it’s holding onto grudges, being too judgmental, or neglecting personal growth. Awareness is the first step towards change.
Next, challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember – growth rarely happens in comfort zones.
Lastly, be patient with yourself. Changing habits takes time and practice. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small. And most importantly – be kind to yourself on this journey.
As you work on saying goodbye to these habits, focus on how you make others feel. After all, that’s what true friendship is all about.
In the end, remember that friendships are not about perfection but connection. And by letting go of these habits, you’re paving the way for deeper and more meaningful connections as you age.
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