Finding true love is something most of us dream about, but let’s be honest—some people seem to sabotage themselves before they even get close.
It’s not bad luck or fate; sometimes, it’s their own behaviors that hold them back.
The truth is, love isn’t just about meeting the right person—it’s also about being the right person.
Certain habits or attitudes can make it almost impossible to build a genuine, lasting connection.
If you’ve been wondering why true love feels out of reach for you (or someone you know), it might come down to these behaviors.
Let’s talk about the patterns that could be keeping people stuck and lonely—and how to avoid them.
1) They prioritize perfection over connection
Most people want a partner who checks certain boxes—there’s nothing wrong with having standards.
But there’s a big difference between knowing what you want and expecting perfection.
When someone is constantly searching for the “perfect” person, they’re setting themselves up for disappointment.
No one is perfect, and relationships require accepting flaws, not eliminating them.
The problem with this behavior is that it shifts the focus away from building a genuine connection.
Instead of appreciating someone’s unique qualities, they’re too busy looking for what’s “wrong” or thinking about who might be a better match.
True love isn’t about finding someone flawless; it’s about finding someone whose imperfections you can embrace.
If you keep chasing perfection, you’re likely to miss out on something real.
2) They fear vulnerability and keep their walls up
I used to be one of those people who thought vulnerability was a weakness; I had this habit of keeping my emotions bottled up and acting like I had it all together, even when I didn’t.
If someone got too close, I’d find a way to push them away—whether it was by avoiding deep conversations or convincing myself they weren’t “right” for me.
At the time, I thought I was protecting myself.
- 9 things genuinely smart people almost always notice about others - Hack Spirit
- 8 unique traits of women who light up every room they walk into - Global English Editing
- People who are miserable and lonely in their 70s and beyond usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it) - Global English Editing
But in reality? I was just building walls that made it impossible for anyone to truly connect with me.
Relationships need trust and openness to grow, but I wasn’t giving anyone the chance to see the real me.
It wasn’t until a close friend called me out on it that I realized what I was doing.
They reminded me that being vulnerable isn’t about being weak—it’s about being brave enough to let someone in.
Once I started letting my guard down, things changed.
It’s scary at first, but love can’t thrive where walls exist.
3) They struggle to let go of the past
Holding onto past heartbreaks or unresolved issues can weigh heavily on someone’s ability to find real love.
When someone is stuck reliving old wounds, it’s like bringing emotional baggage into every new relationship.
Research shows that rumination—repeatedly thinking about past negative experiences—can increase feelings of anxiety and depression, making it even harder to build healthy connections.
When your mind is focused on what went wrong before, it leaves little room to fully invest in the present.
True love requires a clean slate, a willingness to move forward without constantly looking back.
4) They put their worth in external validation
When someone relies on external validation to feel good about themselves, it creates a cycle that’s nearly impossible to break.
They might chase compliments, seek constant reassurance, or base their happiness on how much attention they’re getting.
The issue here is that no relationship can fill the void left by low self-worth.
Depending on a partner to provide all your confidence and happiness puts an unhealthy strain on the relationship.
It’s not love—it’s seeking approval.
People who find true love tend to approach relationships from a place of self-assurance.
They know their value and don’t need someone else to validate it for them.
Without that inner confidence, relationships often become one-sided, draining, or unsustainable.
5) They have unrealistic expectations of love
There was a time when the idea of love felt like it came straight out of a movie script.
I thought it always had to be grand gestures, non-stop passion, and someone who could somehow read my mind without me ever having to say a word.
When things didn’t live up to that, I assumed it just wasn’t “meant to be.”
But love isn’t perfect, and it doesn’t look like the fairy tales we grew up with.
It’s messy, sometimes frustrating, and requires effort—real effort.
Expecting love to solve all your problems or constantly feel magical sets you up for disappointment.
The most meaningful relationships are built on shared struggles, compromise, and showing up for each other even when it’s hard.
If someone’s expectations are always sky-high, they’ll keep overlooking the beauty in what’s real and imperfect.
That kind of mindset makes true love nearly impossible to find—or keep.
6) They avoid conflict at all costs
Some people think that avoiding conflict is the key to keeping a relationship peaceful, but it often does more harm than good.
When someone refuses to address issues or speak up about their feelings, resentment starts to build—slowly but surely.
Healthy relationships aren’t free of disagreements; they’re built on how well two people handle them.
Avoiding conflict might feel easier in the moment, but it prevents real communication and growth.
It’s like putting a bandage over a deep cut—it might cover things up temporarily, but the wound never actually heals.
True love thrives in honesty and openness, and that means being willing to have the hard conversations.
7) They don’t believe they deserve love
The most significant barrier to finding true love is believing you’re unworthy of it.
When someone carries feelings of self-doubt or shame, it reflects in their actions, choices, and the relationships they pursue—or avoid altogether.
This belief can lead to settling for less than they deserve or sabotaging good relationships because deep down, they don’t think they’re enough.
Love can only thrive when it’s built on mutual respect and acceptance, but that starts with respecting and accepting yourself first.
If someone doesn’t believe they deserve love, no amount of affection from another person will ever feel like enough to fill that void.
Bottom line: Love starts within
At the heart of it all, our ability to find and keep true love often reflects the relationship we have with ourselves.
The patterns we create, the walls we build, and the expectations we carry shape how we connect with others—and whether those connections can truly flourish.
Without these—the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in relationships—it’s easy to fall into behaviors that push love away, even when we want it most.
True love isn’t about perfection or the absence of conflict—it’s about embracing vulnerability, letting go of baggage, and showing up authentically for both yourself and your partner.
The journey to finding it doesn’t begin with another person as it begins with you!
Feeling stuck in self-doubt?
Stop trying to fix yourself and start embracing who you are. Join the free 7-day self-discovery challenge and learn how to transform negative emotions into personal growth.