As a child of divorce, I’ve come to realize that those memories don’t just stay in the past—they follow you, casting shadows over the way you love and trust.
It’s like a part of you is always bracing for impact, expecting relationships to come with an expiration date.
According to psychologists, children of divorce often carry these experiences into adulthood, repeating certain patterns that make love feel more fragile.
So, let’s look at these eight behaviors that can linger, hoping that understanding them might just help us rewrite our own stories.
1) Fear of commitment
Have you ever noticed a tendency to pull away when relationships start getting serious? That’s not uncommon for children of divorce.
Psychologists suggest that divorce can instill a deep-seated fear of commitment in children. This fear stems from the worry that their own relationships might end up the same way their parents did.
As they say, once bitten, twice shy. This fear can lead to self-sabotage, pushing away partners, or avoiding serious relationships altogether.
Being aware of this tendency can help us confront our fears and build healthier relationships in our adult lives.
2) Communication struggles
I’ve seen this play out in my own relationships—a persistent struggle to express my feelings and thoughts openly.
Growing up, I watched my parents argue with harsh words and heated emotions, each exchange layered with tension.
Communication wasn’t just flawed; it was practically nonexistent, leaving behind an environment where feelings went unheard and resentments piled up.
It’s no wonder that these early experiences can seep into our adult relationships.
We might find ourselves avoiding confrontation, holding back our emotions, or stumbling to find the right words to share what we truly feel. Over time, I began to recognize this pattern in myself, and that awareness became the first step.
Working on my communication skills helped me build healthier, more open connections with those I care about, bringing a new level of understanding and trust into my relationships.
3) Lack of trust
Did you know that trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship?
Yet, building trust can be a significant challenge for children of divorce.
According to research, experiencing the breakdown of their parents’ marriage can lead to trust issues in their own adult relationships. They may constantly anticipate betrayal or abandonment, making it hard for them to fully trust their partners.
This lack of trust can create a barrier to intimacy and emotional connection.
4) High expectations
Children of divorce often carry high expectations into their adult relationships. They aspire to create a picture-perfect relationship that contrasts with the broken one they experienced in their childhood.
This might seem like a good thing, but it can also lead to disappointment.
No relationship is perfect, and expecting it to be so can create unnecessary strain and dissatisfaction.
Being aware of these high expectations can help us adopt a more realistic perspective, contributing to healthier relationships.
5) Fear of conflict
Many children of divorce grow up in environments where conflict is synonymous with pain, hurt, and the end of relationships.
As a result, they may carry a deep-seated fear of conflict into their adult relationships.
They might perceive any disagreement or argument as a threat to their relationship’s stability, causing them to either avoid conflict altogether or concede easily to maintain peace.
Healthy conflict resolution is fundamental to any relationship. However, it’s important to understand that not all conflicts lead to broken relationships, but can instead strengthen them if handled correctly.
6) Struggle with self-worth
Growing up, I often found myself questioning whether I was enough.
Was it somehow my fault that my parents’ marriage didn’t work out? This struggle with self-worth has lingered, becoming a constant companion in my adult relationships.
Research shows that children of divorce can carry painful feelings and, for some, these feelings turn inward, manifesting as insecurities and self-doubt.
These unresolved emotions can seep into our adult relationships, making us question our worth and our place in our partner’s life.
Spotting this pattern is essential for building self-love and confidence, allowing our relationships to become healthier and happier.
7) Difficulty with intimacy
Creating deep, intimate connections can be especially challenging for children of divorce.
The fear of vulnerability, often rooted in early experiences of seeing relationships fall apart, combines with trust issues to form a strong resistance to closeness in adult relationships.
They may find themselves keeping their partners at a safe distance, hesitant to open up fully, fearing that letting someone in too close could result in the very pain and heartbreak they witnessed as children.
This reluctance to be fully seen can create an invisible wall, a barrier that keeps them from experiencing the deep, meaningful connections essential for truly healthy relationships.
Over time, this barrier can foster feelings of isolation and misunderstanding, making it difficult to build the kind of lasting bond that grows from mutual trust and emotional openness.
8) Pattern of instability
The most significant behavior children of divorce tend to repeat in their adult relationships is a cycle of instability.
They may unconsciously recreate the chaotic environment of their childhood, leading to a pattern of on-again, off-again relationships.
Constant break-ups and make-ups, uncertainty, and inconsistency can become the norm. This instability can be emotionally draining and damaging to both partners.
Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort and possibly professional help, but it’s the key to building stable, fulfilling relationships.
Final thoughts
One thing I’ve come to realize as a child of divorce is that healing doesn’t mean burying the past or pretending it didn’t happen; it’s shaping the story we carry with us as we move forward.
Those patterns we inherit can feel like invisible threads woven into our lives, holding us back with old habits and fears.
Yet awareness is where the journey truly begins. It’s that moment when we start to see these patterns as simply part of our history, not a fate we’re bound to.
If you’re holding on to some of these familiar habits, remember you’re not alone in this.
Therapy, self-reflection, and even sharing your story with someone who understands can be powerful steps forward.
We all deserve a love that not only endures but also lifts us up. And maybe, just maybe, breaking that cycle begins with realizing our story is one we can choose to rewrite.
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