There’s a world of difference between genuine communication and being manipulated by a narcissist.
The key lies in the motive. A narcissist uses words to undermine you, while keeping their own self-interest at heart.
Conversely, a healthy conversation empowers both parties, allowing for shared understanding and growth.
Narcissists are masters of subtle manipulation, often using certain phrases that can make you feel less of a person. And savvy people know to watch out for these phrases to safeguard their self-esteem.
Here are some phrases you should be aware of that narcissists often use to belittle others.
1) You’re too sensitive
Navigating the waters of interpersonal communication can be tricky, especially when you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Narcissists are experts at shifting blame and making others question their perceptions. One common phrase they use to achieve this is “You’re too sensitive”.
By accusing you of being overly sensitive, a narcissist is effectively invalidating your feelings and experiences. This manipulative tactic serves to deflect any criticism or accountability they might face, and instead puts you on the defensive.
It’s a classic example of gaslighting, a psychological manipulation technique where the abuser makes the victim question their own reality and sanity.
Hearing “You’re too sensitive” can make you feel small and unheard. It’s a subtle way for the narcissist to maintain control and make you feel like less of a person.
Your feelings are valid. If someone consistently makes you feel otherwise, it might be time to reconsider that relationship.
2) I was just joking
Let me share an experience I had while dealing with a self-proclaimed ‘master of sarcasm’.
There was a person in my life who had a knack for saying hurtful things, only to brush it off as a joke when I expressed my discomfort. “I was just joking,” they’d say, with an air of innocence.
This is another common phrase narcissists use to belittle others. It’s a strategic move – they get to express their disdain or criticism, and if you react negatively, they can play it off as if you’re the one overreacting or lacking a sense of humor.
For example, once during a gathering, this person made a derogatory comment about my profession in front of our friends. When I voiced my hurt, I was met with the familiar “I was just joking” line. It wasn’t just the embarrassment that stung, but also the realization that my feelings were being dismissed so casually.
In such situations, it’s important to remember that humor should never be at the expense of someone’s feelings. If ‘jokes’ consistently make you feel small or disrespected, it’s not about your sense of humor – it’s about the speaker’s lack of empathy.
3) No one else thinks that way
Narcissists have a crafty tool they use to make others feel isolated and wrong: the phrase “No one else thinks that way”.
This is a form of manipulation that psychologists call ‘splitting’ or ‘black-and-white thinking’. Narcissists use this technique to pit you against the world, implying that your opinion is not only different but wrong.
The phrase is designed to make you feel alone in your thoughts and feelings, instilling self-doubt and shaking your confidence. It’s a way for the narcissist to assert control, making you more susceptible to their influence.
In reality, human thoughts and emotions are complex and diverse. It’s nearly impossible for “no one else” to share your perspective on any given issue.
4) I don’t remember saying that
Another phrase commonly used by narcissists to undermine your confidence is “I don’t remember saying that.”
Narcissists employ this phrase when they’re trying to avoid accountability for their actions or words. It’s a form of gaslighting, making you question your memory and perception of events. This can lead to self-doubt and can make you feel less confident in your own judgement.
By asserting that they don’t remember saying something hurtful or inappropriate, they’re not only evading responsibility but also implying that your recollection is flawed or exaggerated.
This tactic can leave you feeling confused and questioning your sanity. It’s important to trust your memory and instincts, especially if such instances occur repeatedly.
5) You always… / You never…
The phrases “You always…” or “You never…” are often used by narcissists to criticize or belittle the people around them.
These absolute statements are a classic manipulation tactic. By using these words, a narcissist is employing a form of blame shifting and exaggeration to make you feel as though you’re constantly failing or disappointing them.
For example, “You never listen to me” or “You always forget important dates” are accusations designed to make you feel guilty and eager to make amends, often leading you to overcompensate in an attempt to prove them wrong.
This behaviour can be emotionally draining and can make you feel less about yourself. Remember, nobody is perfect and making mistakes doesn’t devalue your worth as a person.
6) If you loved me, you would…
One phrase that can tug at the heartstrings is “If you loved me, you would…”. Narcissists use this line to manipulate your emotions and make you feel guilty for not meeting their unrealistic expectations.
This is a form of emotional blackmail. By tying your actions to your feelings for them, they create a false narrative where your love is measured by how much you’re willing to sacrifice or do for them.
For instance, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t spend time with your friends without me” or “If you loved me, you would give up on your dreams and stay here with me”. These statements are designed to control your actions by questioning your devotion.
Love shouldn’t be conditional or demanding. If someone truly cares about you, they will respect your autonomy and encourage your personal growth, not use your love as a bargaining chip to control you.
7) I’m the only one who really understands you
Years ago, I found myself in a relationship where my partner frequently said, “I’m the only one who really understands you”. At first, it felt comforting, as if we had a special connection. But over time, I realized it was a way to isolate me from others.
Narcissists often use this phrase as a weapon of emotional manipulation. It’s a way to make you feel special and at the same time dependent on them. They create an illusion that they’re your only true ally, which can make you less likely to seek support from others when things get tough.
In reality, this is a tactic designed to control and isolate you. It’s important to maintain connections with a variety of people in your life. No one person should be your sole source of support or understanding.
8) You’re making a big deal out of nothing
When a narcissist says, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”, it might seem like they’re trying to help you keep things in perspective. But in reality, it’s a strategy to dismiss your feelings and concerns.
This phrase is a classic example of the narcissist’s skill in minimizing the impact of their behavior. By suggesting that your reaction is overblown or irrational, they’re deflecting blame and avoiding accountability for their actions.
This can make you second-guess yourself and question whether your emotional response is justified. It’s a subtle way of eroding your confidence and self-esteem.
However, trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or hurtful to you, it’s valid regardless of how others perceive it. Don’t let someone else define what should or shouldn’t matter to you.
9) Can’t you take a joke?
“Can’t you take a joke?” is a phrase narcissists often use to dismiss your feelings when they’ve said or done something hurtful.
This tactic shifts the blame from their inappropriate behavior to your perceived lack of humor. It’s a way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions while making you feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive.
The truth is, humor should not be used as an excuse to belittle or hurt someone. If a ‘joke’ makes you feel uncomfortable or disrespected, your feelings are valid. You have every right to express your discomfort without being accused of lacking a sense of humor.
10) It’s all in your head
Perhaps one of the most damaging phrases a narcissist can use is “It’s all in your head”. This statement is designed to make you question your perceptions and doubt your experience. It’s a form of gaslighting, a psychological manipulation tactic narcissists use to gain power and control.
When a narcissist tells you it’s all in your head, they’re essentially invalidating your feelings and experiences. They’re denying their hurtful behavior and making you feel as though you’re imagining things or being overly sensitive.
If anyone ever tells you it’s all in your head, remember this: Your feelings are valid. Your experiences are real. Trust yourself.
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