It’s easy to spot someone who refuses to own up to their mistakes. They might twist situations to avoid blame or expect endless sympathy despite being the one who caused the issue.
In my work as a psychologist, I’ve noticed a pattern of habits people adopt when they’d rather play the victim than acknowledge their role in a problem.
Let’s walk through 7 telling behaviors that often show up—and talk a bit about why they might do it.
1) They rewrite the narrative
Have you ever heard a friend retell a story, only to realize they’ve downplayed their own negative actions and exaggerated everyone else’s?
This is a classic sign of victim-playing.
They’ll spin events in such a way that paints them as the wounded party, leaving out critical details about how they contributed to the conflict.
As Carl Rogers suggested in his work on genuineness, authenticity starts with being honest about your own role in any situation.
When someone manipulates the story to dodge responsibility, they’re avoiding that self-confrontation. It can be subtle—maybe they “forget” to mention their own harsh words or only highlight how another person reacted poorly.
2) They constantly fish for sympathy
People who act like the victim often seek emotional support from everyone around them, even if they’re the ones who sparked the drama.
They might approach co-workers or friends, complaining about unfair treatment and hoping for comfort and reassurance.
While it’s natural to want empathy when you’re truly hurt, constant sympathy fishing can become draining for others.
Brené Brown has talked about how vulnerability can deepen connections.
But what we’re seeing here isn’t genuine vulnerability — it’s a tactic to shift attention away from their responsibility.
They’re stuck in a pattern of “feel sorry for me” rather than “let’s address the root of this problem.” This can make it harder to have healthy, constructive communication if people feel pressured to coddle them instead of challenging them.
3) They deflect with personal hardships
Some people will list all the difficulties they’ve ever faced—childhood struggles, financial issues, health concerns—in order to explain away their faults.
Yes, context matters, and it’s understandable if past experiences affect present behavior.
But when that backstory is used to excuse destructive or hurtful actions entirely, it becomes a form of victim-playing.
Think of it this way:
Plenty of people go through hardships but still manage to take responsibility for their own slip-ups.
As Daniel Goleman noted, emotional intelligence includes recognizing how your past influences you—without letting it become an excuse to evade accountability.
If someone constantly brandishes their hardships to deflect fault, they might be stuck in a loop of self-pity rather than seeking real change.
4) They use passive-aggressive hints
Instead of straightforwardly owning their actions, victim-players may drop passive-aggressive comments to spark guilt in others.
They’ll say things like “I guess I’m always the bad guy,” or “I know nobody cares about my side, anyway.”
The goal is to make others feel sorry for them, while simultaneously dodging any open discussion of what they did wrong.
Passive aggression can be tough to address because it’s so indirect.
According to the psychoanalytic approach, this behavior often stems from unexpressed anger or discomfort with direct confrontation.
If you find someone throwing these hints around, it might be a signal they’re unwilling to look at their own part in the conflict.
They want sympathy, not resolution.
5) They frame boundaries as attacks
If you try setting a boundary with someone who loves playing the victim, you might notice they label your actions as “unkind” or “selfish.”
They interpret any effort to protect your own well-being as a personal attack. This is a red flag that they’re unwilling to see how their behavior impacts others.
You might have read my post on healthy boundary-setting (I’ve touched on this before).
Boundaries help maintain respect and clarity in relationships. But for someone stuck in victim mode, boundaries can feel like a threat to their sense of helplessness.
They’d rather see it as you bullying them than consider that you have legitimate needs.
6) They rely on emotional outbursts to avoid logic
When confronted about their role in a problem, people who act like the victim may resort to tears, shouting, or dramatic gestures—anything to shift the focus from the actual issue.
At the moment, it can be confusing or even distressing for others, so they often back off.
This aligns with what John Gottman calls “flooding,” where intense emotions overpower rational dialogue. But in this scenario, it’s used strategically: the meltdown stops the conversation, and no resolution is reached.
Over time, these emotional outbursts can erode trust, because it becomes clear they’re more interested in escaping blame than finding a solution.
7) They dodge apologies or turn them into more victimhood
Last but not least, genuine apologies are scarce.
If they do say “sorry,” it might be phrased in a way that still places them as the wounded party:
- “I’m sorry you misread my intentions.”
- “I’m sorry I upset you, but you know how hard my life is.”
These non-apology apologies keep them in victim status while avoiding true ownership.
A real apology acknowledges wrongdoing and seeks to make amends. Carl Jung famously noted that self-awareness is the key to meaningful change.
Without that, any apology from a victim-player is likely to be hollow, designed for optics rather than genuine remorse.
So, here’s the thing: when you hear “I’m sorry” laced with excuses or blame, consider it a clue that this person isn’t genuinely trying to rectify anything.
They want to be seen as repentant without actually making changes.
The bottom line
When someone chronically acts like the victim, it’s not just frustrating — there’s a deeper psychological dynamic at play.
They might struggle with self-esteem, fear of rejection, or a longstanding habit of avoiding blame.
Recognizing these seven behaviors can help you navigate the situation without getting caught in the victim loop.
If you suspect someone you care about is stuck in this pattern, it might be tempting to reassure them endlessly. A better approach is gentle but firm honesty.
Encourage them to look at their own role and maintain their boundaries.
This will help them come to realize the relief that actually taking responsibility can bring.
Being the “victim” 24/7 is exhausting, and it ultimately prevents real healing and growth.
By staying clear-eyed about what’s happening, you stand a better chance of preserving your own well-being—and maybe even helping them break the cycle.
