In the intricate dance of love, it can sometimes be tricky to distinguish genuine affection from manipulation. Is it love or is it control? It’s a question that often crops up, and with good reason.
It’s not always easy to spot the subtle signals indicating that what looks like love may actually be about control. It’s common to mistake possessiveness for passion, or controlling behavior for caring concern.
I’ve seen this confusion all too frequently in my years of experience in the relationship field.
In this article, we’re going to pinpoint seven relationship red flags that may appear as love on the surface but are actually about control underneath. By recognizing these signs, you can protect yourself from entering or continuing a relationship where love is overshadowed by control.
1) Unreasonable jealousy
We’ve all been there. A little green monster rears its head when a significant other spends time with someone else. It’s natural and human to experience a twinge of jealousy once in a while. But what happens when that jealousy crosses the line?
In relationships, it’s not uncommon for one partner to feel threatened by the other’s interactions.
This can lead to an undesirable situation where jealousy is masked as love and care. You hear things like, “I’m just looking out for you,” or, “I can’t help it, I love you too much.”
While it might seem like a manifestation of deep love, this kind of behavior can quickly spiral into a form of control. Your partner starts dictating who you should hang out with, what you should wear, or even how you should behave.
It’s crucial to recognize that love isn’t about controlling the other person’s life. It’s about mutual respect and understanding. Jealousy taken too far is a clear red flag indicating control rather than genuine affection.
2) Overwhelming generosity
Gifts, surprises, constant attention – it sounds like a dream come true, right? But sometimes, what seems like a shower of affection can be a veiled attempt at control.
Don’t get me wrong, gifts are a beautiful way to express love. However, when they become excessive or are used as a way to make up for bad behavior or control decisions, that’s a concern.
For instance, your partner might buy you a gift every time they’ve done something that upset you. Or they might use their generosity as leverage in arguments, making you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.
In essence, the gifts are no longer symbols of love but tools of manipulation and control. It’s counterintuitive but true – too much generosity can sometimes be a relationship red flag.
3) Lack of personal space
Intimacy is a beautiful aspect of any relationship. But there’s a fine line between being close and completely losing your personal space.
If your partner constantly insists on being together, monitors your activities, or gets upset when you want some alone time, it’s not about love – it’s about control.
This might seem endearing at first, like they can’t get enough of you. But over time, it can become suffocating and even destructive.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should have the freedom to pursue their own interests, spend time with friends, and enjoy some solitude. This doesn’t mean the love is any less; it simply means respecting each other’s individuality.
Learning to distinguish between closeness and control isn’t always easy.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deeper into this topic, offering insights on how to navigate these subtle dynamics. It’s a valuable read for anyone looking to maintain their individuality while fostering a healthy relationship.
4) Constant criticism
Constructive criticism in a relationship can be healthy, helping both partners grow and learn from each other. But when criticism becomes constant and unwarranted, it moves from being constructive to controlling.
If your partner often criticizes your appearance, your behavior, your decisions, or even your dreams, under the guise of ‘just being honest’ or ‘wanting the best for you,’ it’s a red flag.
This behavior can undermine your confidence and self-esteem over time, making you more dependent and hence easier to control.
Albert Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
This quote resonates with me personally. Everyone is unique and should be valued for their individuality, not belittled for who they are not.
One key to a healthy relationship is accepting and celebrating each other’s differences, not using them as ammunition for criticism. Remember, love lifts you up; it doesn’t tear you down.
5) Unwavering control over finances
Money – a tricky subject in any relationship. Ideally, financial decisions should be made together, with transparency and mutual respect.
However, if your partner insists on controlling all financial matters, determining how money should be spent or saved without considering your input, it’s a red flag.
This controlling behavior is often justified as being ‘better with money’ or ‘trying to save for the future.’ While it’s important to have a financially savvy partner, it shouldn’t mean that you have no say in financial matters in your own relationship.
In my personal experience, I’ve seen this form of control lead to feelings of dependency and a lack of autonomy. Financial control isn’t love – it’s about power and manipulation.
A healthy relationship involves financial decisions that respect both partners’ perspectives and needs.
6) Isolation from friends and family
Relationships should expand your world, not shrink it. If your partner discourages you from spending time with your friends or family, or makes you feel guilty for doing so, it’s a relationship red flag.
Often, it can be justified as wanting to spend more time together – but in reality, it’s a strategy to isolate you, making you more dependent on them. As the adage goes, “Divide and conquer.”
Remember the words of C.S. Lewis – “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
Healthy relationships recognize the value of friendships and family ties and encourage their growth rather than stifle them.
This topic and more are frequently covered in my articles. For easy access to these valuable insights, consider following me on Facebook. It’s a simple way to keep up-to-date with my latest posts on relationships and personal growth.
7) Disregard for your feelings
At its core, love is about care and respect for the other person’s feelings. So, if your partner often dismisses your emotions, minimizes your concerns, or makes you feel like your feelings are invalid or overblown, it’s not love – it’s control.
This can be a tough pill to swallow. It often comes wrapped in phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive.” But remember, in a loving relationship, your feelings should be acknowledged and respected, not belittled or ignored.
It’s raw and it’s honest – disregarding your feelings is one of the most subtle yet destructive forms of control in a relationship. It slowly erodes your confidence and self-worth, making you question your own emotions.
Don’t fall for it. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard.
Love vs control: A deeper dive
Navigating the complex world of relationships is not a walk in the park. It’s an ongoing journey, filled with joy, heartbreak, lessons learned, and personal growth.
It’s not always easy to discern love from control, but recognizing the signs can make a world of difference.
As we’ve discussed throughout this piece, there are various red flags to be aware of – from unwarranted jealousy and constant criticism to financial control and a disregard for your feelings.
These indicators can help you identify when a relationship is more about control than it is about love.
But understanding these red flags is just the beginning. To delve deeper into this topic and uncover the intricacies of healthy relationships – ones based on mutual respect, understanding, and genuine love – I’d like to recommend a video by Justin Brown.
In this insightful video, he challenges the common notion of finding the ‘perfect’ partner using the law of attraction.
Instead, he emphasizes that relationships are about commitment, growth, and embracing challenges together.
Knowledge truly is power when it comes to relationships.
The more you understand about the dynamics at play, the better equipped you’ll be to foster a relationship that’s rooted in genuine love rather than control.
