Have you ever noticed that as we get older, life gets busier, and our social circles often shrink? It’s easy to chalk it up to “adulting” or simply blame our hectic schedules.
However, from my perspective as a psychologist, I’ve noticed that the real challenge usually lies in a few sneaky habits we develop over time.
These may not even register as problems at first. You might think you’re just being “careful” or “selective,” but in reality, they can hold us back from truly connecting with others and forging new friendships.
Today, we dive into five such habits.
1. Holding onto grudges
Grudges can be deceptively comforting. They give us a sense of control—a way to protect ourselves from future hurt by clinging tightly to past pain. But the cost of holding onto them is often far greater than we realize.
Take friendships, for example. Maybe a friend ghosted you, or someone you once trusted betrayed you. The hurt is real, and it’s natural to want to shield yourself from being hurt again.
But that self-protection can quietly shape how you see everyone else. As Healthline notes, research shows that holding grudges can lead to greater pessimism. This makes it harder to believe in the possibility of positive, healthy relationships.
I once worked with a client who had been cut off without warning by her childhood best friend. Thirty years later, she was still carrying that pain—and that grudge. It shaped her entire worldview: she believed any new friend would inevitably abandon her. That belief became a self-fulfilling prophecy. She kept people at arm’s length, distrusted their intentions, and unknowingly sabotaged the very connections she craved.
In short, grudges often feel like protection, but really, they’re a kind of prison. They trap us in the past, keeping us from fully living in the present or trusting in the future.
As Brené Brown has said, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” Letting go of a grudge doesn’t mean forgetting what happened—it means choosing not to let that pain dictate your future.
If you notice yourself assuming the worst in new people, pause and ask: Am I seeing them clearly, or through the lens of an old wound? Every new relationship is a chance to begin again—grudge-free.
2. Clinging to rigid comfort zones
Do you keep an invisible checklist for every new person you meet? Maybe you prefer folks who share your exact hobbies or who have the same worldview. That might feel safe, but it can drastically limit your options when it comes to forming meaningful friendships.
I used to do this—almost unconsciously. I’d seek out other moms who approached parenting exactly the way I did or people who had gone through similar schooling. And sure, shared interests can be a great way to bond. But I realized I was missing out on the richness of connecting with people outside my comfort zone.
One of the biggest gifts of friendship is the fresh perspective it can offer. If you only stick to what’s familiar, you might never discover new passions or see life through a different lens.
Challenge yourself to step outside that comfort zone: sign up for a pottery class (this is how I met many of my now closest friends), chat with the neighbor whose lifestyle seems worlds away from yours, or join a community group that explores topics you’ve never thought about before.
You might be surprised at how quickly new friendships blossom when you open yourself up to the unfamiliar.
3. Subtle negativity or cynicism
We all know that constant complaining isn’t exactly attractive. Still, a subtle cynicism can creep into our interactions without us even noticing—especially if life has thrown us more curveballs than we care to admit.
Maybe you’re someone who jokes about how “nobody’s reliable anymore” or how “people always disappoint.” It might seem harmless or even a bit playful, but these repeated remarks can create a negative vibe. People pick up on that energy more than you might think.
To flip the script, experiment with intentionally focusing on positives or sharing stories of times you’ve been pleasantly surprised by others. It’s not about faking happiness 24/7; it’s about striking a balance that shows new acquaintances you’re open to the idea that good people do exist and that rewarding friendships are possible.
4. Not making the first move—or the second
This might sound obvious, but another subtle behavior that can hold you back is waiting for someone else to initiate.
Maybe you think, “If they really wanted to be my friend, they’d reach out,” or “I don’t want to bother them.” That mindset can become a trap, especially as we get older and busier. Everyone has responsibilities—work obligations, family demands, personal goals—and they might be thinking the exact same thing you are.
I often ask my clients, “How many connections have you missed out on because you assumed the other person didn’t want to make the effort?” Sure, it takes courage to send that text, invite someone to coffee, or follow up after a chance meeting at a friend’s party. But the payoff can be huge.
Being proactive is one of the most empowering choices you can make. It doesn’t guarantee an immediate BFF, of course, but it signals that you value the other person enough to make room for them in your life.
5. Letting busyness become an excuse
Finally, we come to the classic “I’m just too busy.” Let’s be real: adult life is hectic. Between work deadlines, family duties, and personal errands, it feels like there are never enough hours in the day.
But if we’re honest, “I’m too busy” sometimes translates to “I’m prioritizing other things.”
Building friendships in adulthood requires intentionality. If you want more connections, you have to schedule time for them—just as you would schedule a medical appointment or a work meeting. Whether it’s setting up a monthly lunch date, joining a hobby group that meets regularly, or blocking out an hour on the weekend for a phone call, these micro-commitments can build a foundation for lasting bonds.
The bottom line
Making new friends as we get older can feel a bit like navigating a tricky obstacle course. But most of those obstacles are internal and surmountable with some self-awareness and willingness to change.
Whether it’s letting go of past hurts, being open to new experiences, or taking the initiative in social situations, there’s always a way to shift your behavior—and open the door to meaningful new connections.
If you recognize yourself in any of these subtle habits, don’t be too hard on yourself. Growth is a process. With each small step—like striking up a conversation or letting down your guard just a little—you’re setting the stage for more fulfilling friendships.
So keep that heart open, be proactive, stay curious, and remember that it’s never too late to form deep, rewarding relationships.
