Whether it’s a passive-aggressive coworker, a critical family member, or a friend who never seems to have anything positive to say, learning to remain calm in these situations can be a real game-changer.
It’s not about pretending the negativity isn’t there, but rather safeguarding your peace and honoring your boundaries.
Below are five straightforward strategies I turn to time and again in my own life and in my work as a psychologist.
1. Recognize your triggers
Ever notice how certain comments or behaviors get under your skin faster than others? That’s your body’s way of telling you something deeper is going on.
One thing I often suggest to clients (and I do this myself) is to pause as soon as you sense a spike in your heart rate or a sudden feeling of tension. That moment of awareness alone can help you realize you’re about to react emotionally.
As Daniel Goleman, an emotional intelligence expert, once said, “If you are tuned out of your own emotions, you will be poor at reading them in other people.” By catching that fleeting moment of tension or that inner eye-roll before it explodes into a full-blown reaction, you’re already disarming the emotional time bomb.
Sometimes, those triggers are rooted in our own past experiences, insecurities, or fears. Other times, they come from a place of frustration—especially if you’ve communicated your feelings before and feel like you’re not being heard.
Whatever the source, identifying it takes you halfway to a calmer response.
2. Set boundaries—and stick to them
I remember a time when I regularly met a friend for coffee who would spend the entire conversation picking apart my decisions. I started dreading these meetups because it felt like no matter what I said, it turned into a critique.
After a few too many anxious Sundays, I decided enough was enough. I politely but firmly explained that if our catch-ups were going to continue, I wouldn’t engage in discussions that felt more like judgments than genuine concern.
It was awkward at first, but it made our conversations less tense (or at least shorter). I stayed calm by focusing on the fact that I had spelled out my expectations; if she crossed that line, I reminded myself not to argue but simply to restate or reinforce my boundary.
The folks at WebMD stand behind this, too, noting that, “Setting boundaries can save you stress and give you a sense of control and freedom over how you live and spend your time.”
In short, when you set limits—about the topics you’re willing to discuss, the behaviors you find unacceptable, or even the frequency of your interactions—you give yourself a roadmap for what to do when lines get crossed. You don’t have to scramble or lose your cool; you simply follow the plan you’ve already created.
3. Practice mindful breathing (and other relaxation techniques)
Here’s a very practical one for you!
You might have read my post on staying grounded in the face of negativity. In that piece, I talked about how mindful breathing works wonders during tense moments. I swear by the simple technique of inhaling for a count of four, holding for a second or two, and then exhaling for another four counts—something that’s quick, discrete, and effective enough to do on the spot.
Mindful breathing shifts the focus from the external chaos to your internal state. If someone’s hurling insults or pressing all your buttons, this slow, deliberate breathing helps you notice: “Okay, my heart’s racing,” or “I feel my shoulders tensing.”
Observing these sensations gives you a chance to counteract them with calm, steady inhales and exhales. It’s not about ignoring what’s happening; it’s about preventing your body from hitting that red-alert panic button.
In addition to breathwork, some people find grounding exercises—like naming five things you can see or hear—to be equally helpful. Others use quick visualization, picturing a calm beach or a quiet forest.
Find what works for you and make it a habit!
4. Shift from reaction to response
Viktor Frankl famously wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
I’ve held on to this piece of wisdom for years and one of the biggest transformations in my own life was learning that there’s a difference between reacting and responding. Here’s a little summary:
- Reacting is impulsive, fueled by emotion, and often leads to regrets.
- Responding is more intentional, rooted in both emotional awareness and rational thinking.
Of course, this is easier said than done. One trick I use involves asking myself a brief question: “Will I be proud of how I acted tomorrow?” If the answer is no, I know I need to delay my response.
Sometimes that means politely excusing myself from the conversation. Other times, it means I take a deep breath and respond with a simple statement that doesn’t escalate the tension—like “I understand how you feel” or “Let me think about that.”
Trust me, even a quick pause can keep us from getting sucked into a vortex of angry words or defensive rants.
5. Surround yourself with support and self-care
Last but not least, remember that staying calm around toxic people becomes much easier when you’re not dealing with them alone.
I’m not suggesting you drag all your friends into your drama, but do lean on a few trusted allies who can offer perspective and a listening ear. It might be a supportive colleague who understands the situation at work or a family member who knows your history with that tricky relative.
Self-care also plays a huge role. On days when I’ve had back-to-back sessions with clients who are going through heavy emotional issues, the last thing I need is an unfiltered dose of toxicity. So I prioritize a good night’s sleep, incorporate yoga sessions into my routine, and occasionally do a creative activity like pottery to ground myself.
When you make self-care a non-negotiable, you’re less likely to be rattled by someone else’s negativity. You have the emotional reserves to stay calm, and you’re less tempted to lash out or internalize harmful comments.
The bottom line
Staying calm around toxic people isn’t about ignoring red flags or enabling bad behavior. It’s about knowing yourself well enough to keep your emotions in check and your peace intact.
Recognize those triggers, set clear boundaries, and turn to simple but effective tools like mindful breathing when things get tense. Make the conscious choice to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively, and lean on a circle of support while investing in self-care.
Each of these strategies might feel small on its own, but together, they form a powerful shield. Toxic encounters will likely still happen—we can’t control how other people act—but the good news is we can absolutely control how we choose to respond.
And in that choice lies the real power.
