Have you ever loved your parents deeply one moment, and felt furious with them the next?
Many of us grew up on an emotional rollercoaster with our parents – a mix of affection and painful conflict.
This kind of upbringing often leaves a lasting imprint on our adult lives.
Even the CDC warns that enduring “toxic stress” early on – like chronic family conflict – can make it hard to form healthy, stable relationships later.
But what does this look like in adulthood?
Here are eight traits often seen in people raised with this kind of love-hate dynamic:
1) Playing the Peacekeeper
Growing up with volatile parents, you learned to keep the peace at all costs – walking on eggshells and doing whatever it took to prevent the next outburst.
Mental health experts call this the fawn response – people-pleasing as self-protection, meaning you abandon your own needs to appease others to avoid conflict or disapproval
If you recognize this trait in yourself, know that it made sense back then.
Yet always putting yourself second is exhausting, and it likely carried into your other relationships.
Realizing you don’t have to be the constant referee – that your feelings matter too – can be liberating.
2) Overcompensating with Kindness
Another common pattern is giving more than you can afford to give, to prove your love or prevent an eruption of anger.
As a child, you might have showered your parents with kindness – doing extra chores, buying little gifts, bending over backwards to please them – hoping it would keep their temper or disappointment at bay.
In adulthood, this habit often persists.
You may find yourself going above and beyond for others (not only your parents), sometimes neglecting your own needs in the process.
Of course, kindness is a wonderful trait – but over-giving often hides a fear that if you’re not always perfectly helpful and loving, you could lose the affection you have.
Remember, healthy relationships don’t require you to sacrifice your well-being as proof of your love.
It’s okay to be kind, but not at the expense of yourself.
3) Constantly Seeking Validation
Children who grew up unsure of their parents’ approval often become adults who are hungry for validation.
You might catch yourself endlessly seeking praise, reassurance, or permission – whether from your parents, your boss, or your partner.
It’s like you’re always asking, “Am I good enough now?”
When love felt conditional or inconsistent in childhood, your self-worth didn’t get a chance to grow solidly from within.
Instead, you came to rely on external approval to feel worthy.
Organizational psychologist Adam Grant put it bluntly: “The root of chronic people-pleasing is not concern for others. It’s concern for their approval.”
Seeking validation isn’t a character flaw; it’s a coping mechanism from years of feeling you had to earn love.
However, living life constantly trying to measure up to others’ expectations can leave you anxious.
Over time, you can practice validating yourself – acknowledge your own small victories and remind yourself that you deserve love without having to fight for it.
4) Sensitivity to Criticism
If a parent’s love felt unreliable, criticism stung – and as an adult you may still be highly sensitive to it.
Even mild feedback can hit a raw nerve and send you into self-doubt.
In essence, you learned to equate criticism with being unlovable – as if a mistake meant love might be withdrawn.
As a result, you may take critiques personally, or see negativity where there is none.
You didn’t get that solid foundation of security, and that’s not your fault.
The key now is to recognize when your reaction to criticism is amplified by old wounds.
Remind yourself that feedback isn’t a measure of your worth – constructive criticism can help you grow, but it doesn’t define you.
You are allowed to be imperfect and still be completely deserving of love.
5) Navigating Emotional Guilt Trips
Do you feel a pang of guilt anytime you assert yourself or say “no” to your parents?
Guilt has a way of clinging to those who had a love-hate dynamic growing up.
Often, parents in these situations (even unintentionally) use guilt as a tool: “After all I’ve done for you…”.
Hearing lines like that as a child can wire you to associate standing up for yourself with being a “bad” son or daughter.
Even as an adult, you might over-apologize and give in during conflicts to escape that sense of guilt.
Many who felt emotionally let down by their parents end up blaming themselves for the rift – feeling guilty that they can’t fully trust or love their parents the way they “should”
If this resonates, remember that healthy love isn’t built on guilt or endless tests of loyalty.
It’s okay to set boundaries, even if it displeases your parent – doing what’s right for you doesn’t make you ungrateful.
Notice when the guilty voice in your head sounds like them, and try to replace it with a kinder voice of your own.
6) Communication Becomes a Challenge
It’s ironic, but after years of staying quiet to avoid conflict, talking openly with a parent now can feel like navigating a minefield.
You might either struggle to speak up or hold everything in until you eventually explode.
Seeking emotional support from an unresponsive parent is like going to a well for water and finding it dry– you often come up empty-handed.
No wonder you now avoid deep conversations to escape disappointment.
Breaking this pattern isn’t easy, but it starts with recognizing that your voice matters.
Try practicing tough talks in small doses or with a therapist’s guidance.
And remember, you have a right to be heard – even if your parents once made you feel like you didn’t.
7) Struggling with Independence
Becoming your own person can be uniquely difficult when you have tangled feelings about your parents.
On one hand, you crave independence – to make your own choices and live on your terms.
On the other, you feel an almost gravitational pull toward pleasing your parents or seeking their input.
It’s as if part of you is still that child trying not to upset Mom or Dad.
This inner tug-of-war can stall your personal growth.
You are allowed to define yourself without their input – and doing so doesn’t mean you love them any less.
Try to start separating yourself emotionally – let go of the urge to win their approval and focus on your own identity.
If that feels hard, remind yourself that your life is yours to live.
It’s okay to disagree with them and choose your own path.
Over time, asserting your independence becomes an act of self-respect.
8) Prioritizing Self-Care and Boundaries
After years of internal tug-of-war, many people with a love-hate parental past come to realize one thing: they have to take care of themselves too.
In childhood, you put so much energy into your parents’ needs that you lost sight of your own – and you may have carried that pattern into adulthood, neglecting your own well-being or even unconsciously recreating that emotional rollercoaster.
But eventually something shifts, and you recognize that you deserve attention, compassion, and protection – like anyone else.
Setting boundaries and practicing self-care are not selfish; they are necessary for healing.
Writer Glennon Doyle said it best: “Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else.”
You can love your parents (or others in your life) and still say “no” when you need to, or step back from toxic interactions.
Taking time for your mental and emotional health is crucial – especially if you grew up amid chaos.
Prioritizing self-care breaks the cycle of self-neglect – when you finally treat yourself with the kindness you always deserved, your whole life can grow healthier.
Conclusion
Recognizing these traits in yourself can be a powerful catalyst for change.
If you grew up loving and resenting your parents in equal measure, remember that you aren’t stuck with these patterns forever.
Awareness is the first step – now you can choose which habits serve you and which you’re ready to gently outgrow.
Healing from a tumultuous childhood is absolutely possible – it might involve seeking support, redefining your boundaries, or practicing more self-compassion each day.
Ultimately, you have the strength to write a new story for yourself – where the past shapes you but doesn’t confine you.
