I remember a time in my late twenties when a simple disagreement over a restaurant choice sent me into a silent rage for hours.
One small comment, and I was fuming, convinced the world was out to get me. Looking back, I see it for what it was: a glaring sign I hadn’t yet learned how to manage my emotional responses.
Over the years, I’ve realized that emotional regulation isn’t just about keeping a lid on anger—it’s about understanding and guiding our feelings so they don’t sabotage important moments or relationships.
If you’ve ever found yourself slamming doors, shutting people out, or stewing in anger for days without a clue how to move forward, you’re not alone.
In this post, I’m sharing some of the biggest red flags—eight indicators that point to a need for deeper work on emotional regulation.
My hope is that by laying these out, you or someone you know can identify patterns and start making meaningful changes.
1. He snaps over the little stuff
Have you ever been behind a guy in traffic who’s blaring his horn and cursing at every minor inconvenience?
I’ve been that guy—losing my cool because someone took two extra seconds to move at a green light.
If tiny setbacks regularly trigger an outburst, it’s often a sign that deeper frustrations are simmering below the surface. It could be unresolved stress from work, family tension, or even personal insecurities.
But the truth is, reacting disproportionately to small issues is emotionally draining and tough on relationships.
Friends and partners begin to tiptoe around, hoping they don’t say or do something that sparks another meltdown. T
hat’s no way to live. Recognizing this sign is the first step: acknowledging that frequent flare-ups aren’t healthy and that learning to pause before reacting can drastically improve your overall well-being.
2. He refuses to talk about deeper issues
I used to pride myself on my ability to “not make a scene.”
What that really meant was I never addressed conflict or uncomfortable emotions.
I’d shut down, lock myself in a room, or give people the silent treatment.
It felt safer to avoid the conversation than to risk speaking my truth. But over time, avoidance became my default reaction, and it drove a wedge between me and the people I cared about most.
If a man constantly stonewalls—completely withdrawing from discussions or changing the subject whenever things get real—he’s likely struggling to process strong emotions.
This pattern often stems from fear of vulnerability or a lack of practice in articulating feelings. Brené Brown once said, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
Her words ring true; avoiding emotional conversations doesn’t make the feelings disappear—it just postpones the inevitable fallout.
3. He deflects blame onto everyone else
Have you ever noticed someone who, when confronted, immediately points fingers at anyone but themselves?
Maybe he blames his boss for his career stagnation, his partner for his poor mood, or the universe for a string of bad luck.
Early in my career, I often shifted responsibility to external factors: “I’m not late because I mismanaged my time; there was too much traffic.” This refusal to own my part in situations only kept me stuck.
Deflection is a classic sign of poor emotional regulation. It’s a defense mechanism that protects one’s ego from potential shame or guilt.
But true growth happens when we’re ready to say, “I messed up. Let’s figure out how to fix it.” One small shift—taking accountability—can change the entire trajectory of a relationship or a personal goal. It’s not about beating yourself up; it’s about accepting that you hold the power to change your behaviors and reactions.
4. He experiences extreme emotional highs and lows
Many people call it being “overly dramatic,” but intense mood swings often point to an imbalance in emotional regulation skills.
One minute everything’s sunshine and rainbows, and the next minute, the world is ending. I’ve had days when I felt unstoppable in the morning, only to spiral into self-doubt by lunchtime.
While emotional shifts are normal, regularly hitting these highs and lows can be disruptive—and exhausting.
When a man’s emotions fluctuate so dramatically that it affects his relationships or daily function, it signals a need to learn how to self-soothe and reflect before reacting.
The crew at Very Well Mind underscores that emotional regulation is a set of skills that can be learned through consistent practice. Techniques like journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or taking a quick walk can help ground those skyrocketing emotions and bring them back into perspective.
5. He struggles to see things from another person’s perspective
Empathy isn’t just about being kind; it’s also a critical component of emotional regulation.
When we understand and respect how our words or actions might affect others, we’re more likely to pause and reconsider a hasty reaction.
I’ve touched on this idea before in an earlier post, but it bears repeating: a lack of empathy can manifest as cruel jokes, dismissive comments, or impatience with someone else’s struggles.
One way I learned to build empathy was by slowing down and genuinely listening, rather than waiting for my turn to speak.
If a guy often seems oblivious to other people’s feelings, that’s a big clue he might need to work on managing his own emotional responses. After all, emotional awareness isn’t just about recognizing our own triggers—it’s also about attuning ourselves to the emotional states of those around us.
6. He doesn’t handle constructive criticism well
When I got my first bad review as a writer, I was furious. I spent days stewing about how “unfair” it was.
Instead of examining whether there was any truth to the criticism, I convinced myself the person just didn’t understand my brilliance. Only later did I realize I was conflating my work with my worth, making it impossible to see criticism as an opportunity to improve.
For many men, being told they need to change something can feel like a personal attack. But feedback—especially constructive feedback—can be a gift.
Thought leaders at The Gottman Institute highlight that emotional regulation fosters healthier connections between partners, and part of that process is learning to receive feedback without losing composure.
If you notice an immediate shutdown or backlash at the first hint of critique, it’s a sign that more emotional awareness and regulation could be beneficial.
7. He regrets his actions after every conflict
I’ve woken up many mornings wishing I could hit “undo” on a heated argument. In those moments, my regrets were so heavy I knew I needed to do better next time.
If a man frequently looks back at his outbursts or choices and cringes, that’s a clear indicator he’s aware his emotional responses aren’t healthy.
The key is not to drown in guilt but to channel that regret into proactive change.
There’s a saying I love: “Every regret can become a lesson if we’re willing to learn from it.” In my experience, I started by pinpointing the exact moment in a conflict when my emotions took over.
Once I identified that tipping point, I could train myself to take a step back—maybe through a quick breathing exercise or simply pausing to ask, “Is this reaction really helping?” Over time, this practice can reshape how conflicts play out.
8. He can’t cope with stress without lashing out or numbing out
Stress is a given in life—deadlines, financial pressure, family issues. But if stress consistently leads to aggressive behaviors, substance misuse, or complete emotional shutdown, that’s a sign of shaky emotional regulation.
When I was juggling multiple client demands in my old brand strategy job, I’d occasionally “blow off steam” in unhealthy ways—like pounding one too many drinks on a Friday night.
While short-term coping might feel good in the moment, it doesn’t address the root problem.
The research team at Psychology Today points out that healthy emotional coping strategies often involve mindfulness, physical activity, or seeking professional help. For me, morning runs with my dogs became a critical stress outlet—something proactive instead of destructive.
Rounding it all up
Strong emotional regulation doesn’t mean you never get angry, sad, or frustrated. It means being able to recognize when emotions are rising and take steps to manage them in ways that support, rather than sabotage, your relationships and personal goals.
If any of these points feel uncomfortably familiar, here’s a challenge: pick one small, concrete action to practice this week.
It might be stepping away from the keyboard when an argumentative email pops into your inbox or counting to ten before responding to someone who pushes your buttons.
Learning to navigate emotions effectively isn’t a quick fix, but it’s one of the most worthwhile skills a man can develop—trust me, I’ve been through the highs and lows myself.
If you’re reading this and nodding along, consider it an invitation to explore strategies, seek support, and commit to consistent self-work.
