Ever find yourself wondering if a relationship is genuinely hitting rock bottom, or if it’s just a rough patch?
Over the years, I’ve counseled many couples who come to my office feeling utterly stuck.
And though every relationship has its own unique context, there are certain telltale behaviors that show up time and again in deeply unhappy partnerships.
It’s not always easy to spot these behaviors in the heat of the moment.
In fact, when I first started my practice, I underestimated how quickly minor communication issues could escalate into major emotional barriers.
But I’ve since learned that by identifying these patterns early, you can either work toward healing or make the tough call to walk away if things have gone beyond repair.
In this post, we’ll discuss seven of the most common behaviors that unhappy couples display, and what they often signal about the state of the relationship.
1. They constantly criticize or blame
Ongoing criticism is one of the quickest ways to destroy a sense of closeness and safety.
I’m not talking about constructive feedback, like letting your partner know calmly that the way they fold laundry drives you nuts. (We all have our quirks, right?)
I’m referring to harsh, personal attacks on one another’s character.
You’ll see this when partners say things like, “You always ruin everything,” or “You never do anything right.”
It might sound like a minor distinction, but criticizing someone’s personality or identity hits much harder than expressing disappointment about a single action.
And in many cases, frequent criticism leads to a deeper feeling of shame or unworthiness.
So, if you find that you or your partner are locked in a constant blame game, it might be a signal that something more serious is brewing.
Criticism can be valid, but chronic personal attacks are a sign the relationship is in distress.
2. They stonewall instead of resolving issues
Ever been in the middle of an argument and had your partner just shut down?
No expression, no response, no attempt to engage at all, like an emotional brick wall?
Stonewalling is a silent but harmful habit many unhappy couples fall into.
This often happens because the partner who’s stonewalling is overwhelmed or emotionally flooded.
Rather than communicating, they freeze or remove themselves from the conversation entirely, leaving the other person feeling unheard and more frustrated.
Over time, stonewalling can make the other person feel invisible or unimportant, which chips away at trust and intimacy.
The stonewaller is often trying to protect themselves from conflict, but what they end up protecting themselves from is real resolution.
3. They exhibit contempt or disrespect
Do you find yourself rolling your eyes when your partner speaks?
Do they throw sarcastic jabs or speak to you in a condescending tone?
Contempt is like toxic fuel in a relationship, it’s rooted in disgust and scorn, and it can be quite destructive.
When I talk about contempt, I’m referencing not just words but the snide facial expressions and mocking gestures that come with it.
Couples who display contempt are effectively saying, “I don’t respect you,” even if they don’t realize it.
And let’s face it, respect is one of the foundational blocks of a healthy bond.
As Dr. John Gottman has famously pointed out, contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce.
It’s especially dangerous because it attacks your partner’s sense of self in a deeply personal way.
Once contempt settles in, it’s awfully hard to shake, which is why addressing it as soon as possible is so crucial.
4. They avoid emotional or physical intimacy
Sometimes it’s not about fighting.
Sometimes it’s about distancing, choosing not to share emotions, not to check in with each other, and maybe even avoiding physical affection altogether.
While it’s normal for desires and comfort levels to ebb and flow, persistently avoiding connection can signal deeper dissatisfaction.
If one partner shies away from any form of closeness, whether it’s a meaningful conversation or a gentle hug, it often reflects a breakdown in trust or unresolved pain.
Many times, people will say they’re too tired or busy, but if you look closer, you might see they’re nursing resentments or fears they haven’t voiced yet.
Brené Brown, a researcher known for her work on vulnerability, has said, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
When you or your partner stop taking that risk, the relationship loses a vital component of closeness and can slide into a kind of roommate situation, coexisting without truly connecting.
5. They keep score
I’ve come across couples in my practice who keep track of every slight or misdeed, like a hidden ledger of who did what wrong.
“I did the dishes three times this week, so you owe me,” or “I said sorry for my outburst, but you never apologized for yours.”
If you’ve been keeping tally, you probably know how exhausting and resentful this cycle becomes.
When everything is measured and every past mistake is documented, the focus isn’t on growing together anymore, it’s on “winning.”
And if it feels like your partner is consistently trying to gain an upper hand, you eventually lose sight of the partnership aspect altogether.
6. They escalate conflicts quickly
In happy, stable relationships, disagreements tend to follow a certain rhythm.
One person shares a concern, the other listens, they both respond with reason, and maybe they raise their voices a bit, but they’re still aiming for resolution.
In very unhappy relationships, however, small triggers can turn into massive blowouts in a heartbeat.
It could start with something trivial, like forgetting to pick up milk on the way home.
Suddenly, it spirals into yelling, name-calling, or rehashing unresolved issues from three years ago.
If arguments frequently escalate to that level, it could mean there’s a lot of bottled-up resentment and unspoken frustration.
When couples reach this point, it’s usually because they feel unsafe expressing smaller grievances in a healthy way, so everything comes rushing out at once.
This consistent escalation can create a nearly constant state of stress, leading to anxiety, depression, or physical ailments, none of which are conducive to a supportive, loving home.
7. They neglect each other’s emotional needs
Neglect isn’t always loud.
Often, it’s the slow, quiet drifting apart when neither partner feels truly “seen” or cared for.
If one of you is silently battling anxiety or stress and the other doesn’t notice, or doesn’t seem to care, then resentment and emotional distance grow.
This is especially heartbreaking because it usually starts with smaller instances.
Maybe you forget to ask how their day went, or you tune them out when they start talking about a stressful situation at work.
Over time, a pattern of ignoring or brushing aside each other’s inner worlds creates a huge rift.
When couples fail to seek understanding of each other’s feelings, they stop nurturing the emotional “ecosystem” of their relationship.
And once that withers, everything else tends to fall apart.
Final thoughts
These behaviors can creep into a relationship gradually, so it’s crucial to notice them before they become the new normal.
The earlier you identify these warning signs, the greater your chance of turning things around.
Here at Blog Herald, we’re big on growth and transformation, and relationships are no exception.
Awareness is the first step toward meaningful change.
You can start with open, honest conversations, seek professional help, or even dive into self-reflection about how you might be contributing to the cycle.
Of course, if the situation has become toxic or unsafe, stepping away might be a healthier choice.
Above all, keep in mind that love should feel supportive and nourishing, not like a constant battle.
