We all know grief is a universal human experience, yet it can feel uniquely isolating. When someone we care about is mourning, our instinct is to provide support and comfort.
But often, the words that come out of our mouths—despite our best intentions—end up doing more harm than good.
From my experience as a psychologist, I’ve seen firsthand how certain phrases can make a grieving person feel more alone, misunderstood, or even guilty for feeling the way they do.
So, if you genuinely want to show compassion, steer clear of these seven statements. Let’s dive in.
1. “Everything Happens for a Reason.”
It’s natural to grasp for something “positive” when trying to comfort someone, but saying “Everything happens for a reason” can land like a ton of bricks.
In the midst of grief, searching for a rationale behind a loved one’s death or a significant loss can feel invalidating and dismissive. Essentially, it can communicate that the loss is part of some greater cosmic plan and therefore the person’s pain is somehow trivial.
I once worked with a client who lost a dear friend in a sudden accident. When people told her “It’s all part of a bigger plan,” she felt both confused and guilty for not finding solace in that idea. She kept wondering: What possible reason could justify this tragedy?
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this statement, you know it can trigger anger or resentment rather than providing relief.
A more empathetic approach?
Acknowledge the pain without trying to put a tidy bow on it. Grief is messy, and sometimes we just need someone to sit with us in that mess rather than trying to sweep it away with platitudes.
2. “I Know Exactly How You Feel.”
Even if you’ve suffered a very similar loss—like losing a parent, a partner, or a beloved pet—you don’t truly know theirexact pain.
Everyone’s grief is shaped by their unique relationship with the person or thing they lost, not to mention their personal coping style, life experiences, and current circumstances. When people hear “I know exactly how you feel,” they may shut down because it sounds like their grief has just been lumped in with yours.
Carl Rogers, the father of client-centered therapy, famously emphasized the importance of understanding a person’s individual experience, noting that “Empathy is a special way of coming into contact with the living reality of another person.”
Telling someone you know exactly how they feel can inadvertently block that deep empathy. Instead, try: “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen and support you any way I can.” You’ll show genuine care by honoring the uniqueness of their emotions.
3. “They Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad.”
Have you ever heard this one?
At a glance, it seems comforting: presumably, a loved one wouldn’t want us mired in sorrow. The sentiment might be well-meaning, but it carries a hidden message—Your sadness is wrong or misplaced.
This can lead to a sense of guilt in the person who’s grieving. They might feel pressured to be cheerful or “move on” quickly, which is rarely possible and almost never helpful.
A close friend of mine struggled with this statement a few years ago after losing her father. People constantly told her, “He wouldn’t want to see you cry,” and she felt torn between honoring his memory and honoring her real-time emotions. She told me she needed time to be sad, to cry, and to process.
By being told repeatedly that she “shouldn’t” feel low, she started to question whether her grief was acceptable at all.
We need to give mourners permission to grieve. Letting them know, “It’s understandable to feel sad” acknowledges that their emotions are valid and part of the healing process.
4. “At Least They Lived a Long Life.”
Sometimes people try to minimize the loss by pointing out how long the deceased lived or how fulfilling their life was.
While longevity and fulfillment can be comforting reflections down the line, in the immediate shadow of loss, it doesn’t help much. The length of someone’s life doesn’t diminish the heartache of their absence.
I remember one of my clients, a mother of two, sharing that after her grandmother passed away at 92, everyone around her said, “Well, she was old, after all.” That was a true statement, but it skipped right over the pain and the many cherished moments she would no longer share with her grandma.
A better approach is to acknowledge, “I can see how much your grandmother meant to you, and she’ll be greatly missed.”
Brené Brown’s words often come to mind here: “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” Trying to highlight a bright side can feel like dismissing the loss. True comfort comes from validating the deep void the person is experiencing.
5. “At Least You Can Have Another Child / Find Someone Else.”
When the loss involves a miscarriage, the death of a child, or the end of a relationship, people sometimes say, “Well, at least you can still have another baby” or “You’ll find someone new.”
Even if this comes from a place of optimism, it can sound callous and dismissive of the very real pain of this loss. It implies that people are interchangeable, and that a future possibility erases today’s heartbreak.
Years ago, I supported a client through the painful loss of a child. She shared how devastating it was when even close relatives said, “You’re young—you can have more.” Those words stung because they suggested that her child was replaceable.
In truth, every relationship, every bond, every child is unique. The idea that having another child would negate the agony of losing one can feel deeply hurtful.
If you’re looking for something more supportive to say, try: “I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I best support you right now?” Offer a genuine listening ear rather than a solution that only time—and healing—might eventually bring.
6. “You Should Be Over It by Now.”
Grief has no expiration date. For some, the intense waves of sadness might subside after months; for others, the impact can linger for years in different shapes and forms.
Telling someone to “get over it” or hinting that their grieving process is taking too long can invalidate the complexity of loss. That approach also reinforces the (false) belief that healing follows a neat timeline.
As Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, observed, “In some ways, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.”
However, meaning isn’t always found in a matter of weeks or months. It can take significant time to integrate a loss into one’s life story. Instead of urging someone to hurry up, consider saying: “I’m here for you, no matter how long it takes.”
I once had a client who reached the one-year anniversary of her husband’s passing and felt pressured by well-wishers to “move on.” But she was still grappling with day-to-day life changes: cooking for one, attending events solo, and even paying the bills he used to handle.
Her life had irrevocably changed, and she needed space to adapt on her own schedule. People inadvertently made her feel abnormal for still hurting.
7. “Be Strong.”
Finally, let’s talk about “Be strong.”
On the surface, it might sound encouraging, but there’s an undercurrent here that can stifle genuine emotion. Telling someone to be strong can suggest that it’s not okay to cry, to share vulnerability, or to struggle openly.
I remember hearing this from a well-intentioned acquaintance when I was dealing with my own grief a few years ago. It only made me feel like I had to put on a brave face and bury my emotions for the sake of others.
But grieving is inherently not about looking tough; it’s about working through heartbreak in a way that’s honest and raw. True strength, in my view, often comes from allowing yourself to feel the full scope of the pain—only then can genuine healing begin.
If someone close to you is hurting, it’s far more supportive to say, “It’s okay to let your emotions out,” or “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on.” Vulnerability is not a weakness; sometimes, it’s the most courageous act.
The bottom line
Grief can be complex, confusing, and downright painful. If at least one of these statements has slipped out of your mouth in the past, don’t beat yourself up—our society doesn’t do a great job of teaching us how to navigate loss.
But there’s always room to learn and grow. As you might have read my post on understanding the power of truly empathetic conversations, you already know that being present and nonjudgmental is often the greatest gift we can give.
Here at Blog Herald, we recognize the importance of thoughtful communication, especially when someone’s heart is in pieces.
So, instead of offering quick-fix phrases or silver linings, try simply bearing witness to their emotions: listening, acknowledging, and respecting the depth of their loss. You don’t need the perfect quote or the ultimate piece of wisdom. You just need an open heart and a willingness to be there.
After all, grief is a journey that doesn’t follow a straight line, and no two people walk it quite the same way.
Show compassion by letting them know they’re not alone—even if you can’t fully understand their pain—and you’ll be providing far more comfort than any well-meaning but invalidating remark ever could.
